Week of October 31 - November 4

RESPONSIBILITY, PART III

The virtue of responsibility makes for a happy and productive adult life. That’s why it’s one of the most important virtues a parent can foster in a child. Responsible people purposefully choose their attitudes, words and actions, and accept responsibility for the consequences of these choices.

Responsibility does not come easily. Becoming a responsible adult requires conscious effort and practice. Because responsibility is so important, we have devoted four articles on how parents can instill this virtue in their children.

There are 12 major concepts related to responsibility that parents must address when teaching their children to be responsible individuals. They are:

1. Being accountable
2. Exercising self-control
3. Planning and setting goals
4. Choosing positive attitudes
5. Doing one’s duty
6. Being self-reliant
7. Pursuing excellence
8. Being proactive
9. Being persistent
10. Being reflective
11. Setting a good example
12. Being morally autonomous

This is the third of the four articles. It focuses on concepts 9 through 11.

9. Being Persistent. Responsible people finish what they start. They know that most things worth achieving require hard work and that success does not always come from a first attempt. Parents must help their children by reinforcing that they can succeed (and success is important to teens) at anything if they work hard enough. Parents need to be prepared for complaining and excuse making when tasks become difficult, providing encouragement instead of giving in to complaints.

Parents should NOT force their children to stick with an activity the parents choose for their own personal reasons.

Real-life application: A naturally athletic girl tries out for a new sport and finds herself in the new position of being one of the least-talented players on the team. Instead of giving up because she can’t be one of the best, she spends extra time practicing the fundamentals of the sport until she can play with proficiency.

10. Being Reflective. Being reflective means using one’s head to make rational decisions. It requires thinking ahead and reflecting on the consequences of our choices even during emotional times. Teens often consider only the here and now or immediate future; long-range planning is not their strong suit. Parents need to remind teens that today’s choices will affect future plans, not only for themselves but also for others. It is important that teens learn to reflect on the ramifications of these choices before acting on them.

Real-life application: Parents can help their teens become more reflective by asking leading, non-confrontational questions. If a teen breaks curfew, her parent can ask, “When you decided to ignore your curfew, what did you think would happen when you came home?”

11. Setting a Good Example. Responsible people understand their behavior often influences the behavior of others, so they conduct themselves morally and ethically. Simply put, they set a good example and they lead by example. When the opportunity to do something good presents itself, they do it, even if it is as simple as opening the door for someone. They serve as role models. Children pay more attention to what their parents do than what they say.

Real-life application: The cashier at the grocery store mistakenly gives you more change than you deserve. You correct her mistake and give her back the extra money instead of pocketing it and thinking, “This is my lucky day.” Your children are watching you. They have learned from your example that honesty is the best policy.

In Responsibility, Part IV, we will focus on the last concept of teaching responsibility and the importance of consequences.

Taken from: www.parenting.org

RESPONSIBILITY, PART II

One of the most important character traits a parent can instill in his or her child is responsibility.

Responsibility is marked by how well we make choices in life and how we deal with the results. Responsible people purposefully choose their attitudes, words and actions, and accept responsibility for the consequences of these choices.

Responsibility is a complex virtue, requiring much time, patience and practice to acquire. Because responsibility is such a key element in leading a happy and productive adult life, we have devoted four articles on how parents can instill this virtue in their children.

There are 12 major concepts related to responsibility that parents must address when teaching their children to be responsible individuals. They are:

1. Being accountable
2. Exercising self-control
3. Planning and setting goals
4. Choosing positive attitudes
5. Doing one’s duty
6. Being self-reliant
7. Pursuing excellence
8. Being proactive
9. Being persistent
10. Being reflective
11. Setting a good example
12. Being morally autonomous

This is the second of the four articles. It focuses on the concepts 4 through 8.

4. Choosing Positive Attitudes. Responsible people accept control over their own emotions, and thus, their happiness. They choose positive attitudes like cheerfulness, enthusiasm and generosity. This is a difficult attribute to cultivate in teens because teenage insecurities often translate into sarcasm and anger, and because teens equate cynicism with maturity, often think they are right because they feel so strongly about things and tend to have a very narrow view of matters.

Parents may need to enlist the help of another adult their teen admires or trusts to deliver the message that everyone has the power to choose between positive and negative attitudes and to make positive and negative choices. The message can include these points:

• Attitudes often are products of feelings. Always acting on feelings alone is unhealthy and unwise.
• While initial emotional responses of anger, sadness and hopelessness may occur spontaneously, a person can change his or her perspective though reflection and willpower.
• How we react to an incident is determined by how we perceive facts and intentions. But our perceptions can often be based on erroneous assumptions produced by negative attitudes.
• Accept what you cannot change.
• Selfishness is self-destructive.
• Bad things do happen, but the happiest and most successful people in life learn to put tragedies, failures and hurt feelings behind them.

5. Doing One’s Duty. Responsible people follow through on their commitments. They keep their promises, even when it is not convenient or easy.

6. Being Self-Reliant. Responsible people manage their lives so they are not a burden to others. Parents should teach teens not to ask for assistance with tasks they (teens) are able to perform themselves.

7. Pursing Excellence. Responsible people strive for excellence, giving 100 percent of themselves to the task at hand. Responsible people also do the best they can with the resources at their disposal. A job well done boosts self-confidence and self-esteem. A parent’s role in a child’s pursuit of excellence is to praise worthy efforts and successes and to provide encouragement when things are not going well.

8. Being Proactive. Being proactive means taking the initiative to achieve self and community improvement. Responsible people try to change situations that need to be changed and to resolve social problems. Proactive people don’t just react to life; they seek to effect change in areas they can control. Parents must help teens identify their sphere of influence and teach them how to improve their own situation instead of expecting others to do it for them.

In Responsibility, Part III, we will focus on concepts 9 and 10 of teaching responsibility.

Taken from: www.parenting.org

"If we all did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." Thomas Edison

RESPONSIBILITY, PART I

Life is full of choices, and these choices have consequences, both good and bad. People of sound character are responsible. They purposefully choose their attitudes, words and actions, and accept responsibility for the consequences of these choices.

One of the most important character traits parents can teach their children is responsibility. Responsibility is a complex virtue, however. It takes a lot of time, patience and practice to acquire it. Because responsibility is such a key element in leading a happy and productive adult life, we will devote four articles to how parents can instill this virtue in their children.

There are 12 major concepts related to responsibility that parents must address when teaching their children how to be responsible individuals. They are:

1. Being accountable
2. Exercising self-control
3. Planning and setting goals
4. Choosing positive attitudes
5. Doing one’s duty
6. Being self-reliant
7. Pursuing excellence
8. Being proactive
9. Being persistent
10. Being reflective
11. Setting a good example
12. Being morally autonomous

This first article will address the first three concepts.

1. Being Accountable. Responsible people accept moral responsibility for their attitudes, words and actions. This requires individuals to reflect on their choices – to think beyond immediate gratification by considering how choices today will affect life in the future – and analyze situations that result from their choices. Responsible people do not cast themselves as the victim or claim that circumstances or other people “made them do it.” They see accountability as power because they know the choices they make today have a direct bearing on their future.

*Teens want more personal freedom, but with this freedom comes greater responsibility.

Real-life application: A teenage girl must decide if dressing provocatively to get immediate attention from boys is worth possible long-term damage to her reputation from being labeled “fast” or “easy.”

2. Exercising Self-Control. Self-control is the ability to manage powerful emotions and appetites in honor of reason and duty. Feelings in and of themselves are not good or bad; they are natural and can be very powerful at times. How we respond to our feelings determines if we possess self-control or not, if we are responsible individuals or reckless.

As parents, we must teach our teens to recognize the source of emotions and give them tools to handle these often powerful feelings in order to prevent physical or emotional harm to themselves or others.

*Taking charge of one’s life begins with the ability to deal with emotions and moods in constructive ways through the exercise of reasoning and free will – the power to choose.

Real-life application: A hot-headed star athlete can choose to keep his cool during a game when his opponents are trying to goad him into losing his temper and fouling out of the game. He sees that by ignoring their tactics, he gains control not only of his emotions but also the game because he does not let someone else yank his chain.

3. Planning and Setting Goals. Teens often resist planning. But making a plan exhibits responsibility. People who live their lives more purposefully, instead of just “going with the flow,” are more likely to eventually get what they want.

Parents need to teach their teens the importance of short-term planning (putting gas in the car so they won’t get stranded) and long-term planning (taking the right classes to graduate on time). Short-term planning teaches teens to make a mental checklist of what needs to be done for an upcoming event. Long-term planning involves setting goals to achieve an ultimate reward.

In Responsibility, Part II, we will focus on the next five concepts of teaching this important virtue.

Taken from: www.parenting.org

RESPECT

People of character are respectful. Respect between a child and a parent is a two-way street. While a central goal of parenting is to teach children to respect their parents, parents should always treat their children with the same respect they themselves demand.

Disrespectful behaviors, like yelling, demeaning and manipulating, damage the parent-child relationship. Conversely, respecting people’s thoughts and feelings builds strong relationships.

There are seven basic rules of respect:

1. Honor the individual worth and dignity of others. Every human being has value. People are not things to be used or manipulated for personal gain. To mistreat another human being is to damage our own self-worth. However, respect must be earned. Self-respect is equally important; parents need to teach children to earn respect, demand respect and avoid self-destructive behavior.
2. Treat others with courtesy. Basic politeness promotes positive human relationships. Teens need to know that civility will improve their chances of getting what they ultimately want. Parents should set a good example to ensure that good manners are passed on to the next generation.
3. Honor reasonable social standards and customs. It is respectful to honor the beliefs, traditions and customs of others.
4. Live by the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. When communicating with each others, parents and teens need to avoid signs of disrespect like yelling, using a nasty tone of voice and demonstrating defensive body language. Listening is vital. Both parents and teens need to be free to share their thoughts and feelings and feel like they’re being heard. To disagree is acceptable; to demean is not. Privacy is important to teens. Parents need to teach teens to determine whether they’re respecting others’ boundaries by asking a simple question: Am I intruding? Parents should respect their teen’s privacy, but they do have the authority to check their child’s cell phone, computer or room if they think their teen is in danger or is involved in immoral, illegal or dangerous activities.
5. Accept differences and judge on character and ability. Our children need to learn to value and honor all people, accepting and tolerating people’s different choices just as they would wish that others accept their own choices.
6. Respect the autonomy of others. A respectful parent offers opportunities for his or her child to have a meaningful say in decisions that affect the child.
7. Avoid actual and threatened violence. Parents should teach teens to resolve disagreements and manage anger without physical or verbal violence. Physical force and threats are not a respectful way to get what you want. This holds true for both parents and children alike. Conversation and negotiation are respectful ways to resolve conflict. Though respect-as-fear is prevalent in society, true respect has nothing to do with fear.

So how does a parent enforce these basic tenets of respect? By praising teens when they demonstrate respect. When a teen acts disrespectfully, parents must immediately point out their teen’s mistake and explain why his behavior is disrespectful. Parents must also model respect. How we act as parents carries as much, if not more, weight than what we say. Listen without criticizing and give your teen your full attention. Never gloat when you’re right and never make fun of your child. Model civility and the use of positive language. Respect your teens’ privacy and possessions and let them have an active part in decisions that affect them.

When teens feel they are being treated with respect, parents can ask for respect for themselves and others with more authority.

Taken from: www.parenting.org