Friday, April 27, 2012

WEEK OF APRIL 30 - MAY 4


Narcissistic and Entitled to Everything! Does Gen Y Have Too Much Self-Esteem?

No one looks the way I do. 
I have noticed that it's true.
 
No one walks the way I walk.
 
No one talks the way I talk.
 
No one plays the way I play.
 
No one says the things I say.
 
I am special.
 
I am me.

Gen Y - people born between 1978 and 1997 - grew up singing that nursery song. Today many parents and psychologists wonder if songs like that were not big mistakes.

In the 1980s world of child rearing, the catchword was "self-esteem." Unconditional love and being valued "just because you're you!" was the prevailing philosophy. In practice, it involved constantly praising children, not criticizing them under any circumstances, emphasizing feelings, and not recognizing one child's achievements as superior to another's. At the end of a season, every player "won" a trophy. Instead of just one "student of the month," schools named dozens. Teachers inflated grades from kindergarten through college: "C" became the new "F." No one ever had to repeat a grade because staying behind caused poor self-esteem.

The result of these child-rearing practices has been a measurable increase in narcissism and a generation that has a deeply embedded sense of entitlement, according to authorities like Dr. Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled and More Miserable Than Ever. Dr. Twenge of San Diego State University studied more than 16,400 students who took the Narcissistic Personality Inventory between 1982 and 2006. In 1982, only a third of the students scored above average on the test. Today that number is over 65%.
The new trend toward self-centeredness and self-love might be bad for society. Dr. Twenge warns that narcissists lack empathy, overreact to criticism, and favor themselves over others. They are incapable of cheering anyone else's success. Ultimately, they led miserable lives because they cannot form and maintain healthy relationships.

According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, corporations like Lands End and Bank of America are hiring "praise teams" to keep up with Gen Y's demand for constant positive reinforcement. Other generations believed that as long as no one fired them, their work must be okay. Gen Y needs constant praise in the form of emails, awards, celebration balloons and other such tangible recognition of their work or they become anxious.

The constant stream of praise has resulted in what psychologist Dr. Linda Sapadin calls "a runaway inflation of speech." No girl is pretty: she's drop dead gorgeous. That guy is a genius (not merely bright). Dr. Sapadin says the word "nice" is a put-down.

Gen Y's need for affirmations often accompanies an intense sense of entitlement. A therapist with the Aspen Education Group describes it as "I want it now! Now! I have to have it right now!" A Gen Y with a sense of entitlement will also refuse to take responsibility when he makes a mistake. For example, if he gets a speeding ticket, he expects his parents to pay for the ticket and increased insurance premiums and to keep on driving as if nothing happened.

Refusing to stand up to the demands of Gen Y is causing financial problems for many parents. Ian Pierpoint, an executive with market research company Synovate, coined the phrase "gold-collar kids," who insist on expensive brand names like Versace or Dolce and Gabbana. The problem is that many gold-collar kids have blue-collar parents who go into credit card debt to meet their children's demands (many of whom still live at home well into their twenties).

Because Gen Y parents have always treated their children as friends and equals, by the teen years they have learned to use bad behaviors to get what they want. As Dr. Susan Jennings says, "If the kid gets what she wants, she's all sweetness." If not, she'll tantrum, sulk, and otherwise torture her parents until she gets her way.

Therapists who work with troubled teens often talk about their sense of entitlement as a major hurdle in the struggle to help them. Teens feel entitled to their life-styles, no matter how self-destructive. If a parent reared her child with the attitude "I don't want to interrupt his happiness for even one moment," the teen will have a hard time establishing the discipline and willpower necessary to work through addictions and behaviors such as alcoholism, substance abuse, promiscuous sex, mismanagement of anger, compulsive shopping, and so forth.

The advice from experts is for parents to "toughen up" by following some general guidelines:
  • Put limits on spending by giving your teen an allowance. When it's gone, there's no more until next time.
  • Let your teen face the natural consequences of his behavior. If he bangs up your car, let him pay for it.
  • Teach your child to apologize to others, to understand their point of view, and otherwise demonstrate "emotional intelligence."
  • Watch how you use praise. The late prominent educator John Holt warned parents that praising a child is a massage to parental egos: building up the child becomes a form of building up yourself. Give specific praise for a specific piece of work or action. For example, tell the child, "You did a great job on that picture," and not "You're a great artist." Don't use praise to manipulate as in "You're so brilliant, you could be a doctor."
  • Let children earn self-esteem from working hard and achieving in a real way.
The bad news is that most Gen Y parents will be unable do these things.
"You have to be willing to have your kids not like you," Dr. Jennings said. "Today's parents aren't willing to do that."

Saturday, April 21, 2012

WEEK OF APRIL 23 - 27


“I Want It Now!” How to Challenge a False Sense of Entitlement in Kids


Almost as soon as your child begins to talk, you’ll start to hear him ask for things. In fact, when an infant cries, he’s asking for food or to be made more comfortable. By the time he reaches the age of four or five, his constant refrain becomes: “Can I have this, Mom? Can I have that?" The unending requests for new toys or candy and an “I want it now” attitude may follow you every time you go to the store. Parents want to give to their kids for many reasons. It's partly instinctual—back in the Stone Age, “giving to your child” might have meant providing food, shelter and protection. Those urges are still there. Unfortunately, if you give in to every little want and need your child expresses, you are really feeding and nurturing a sense of false entitlement—which I believe can lead to problems later on.

The attitude of a child with a false sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give to me.”

I think it’s important to keep in mind that parents and kids get some powerful messages in our society. One of the most prevalent is, “The more you give your child, the better parent you are.” Children are also led to believe they're entitled to receive. Commercials, TV shows, movies, and their friends at school all tell kids, “This is the new thing. This is what everybody's getting. If you don’t have it, you won’t be cool.” So it’s easy for you as a parent to feel obligated to give to your child—and pretty soon, your child will grow to expect it. This can lead to parents giving much more than their kids need—and sometimes, more than their family can really afford.

Children also get a false sense of entitlement by being overly praised for things, and rewarded for tasks that they should be doing as a matter of course. There’s nothing wrong with rewarding achievement and excellence, but it becomes a problem when you reward mediocre efforts.

I’ve also worked with many parents who have the following fantasy: they imagine their child talking to their friends, saying, “My parents are great. They got me these new sneakers.” Or, “My dad’s the best—he bought me this bike.” Maybe your child is saying that, and maybe he’s not. Regardless, this thought often makes parents feel proud and good about themselves, and it motivates them to spend more than is good or necessary. There are those parents who want to be their child's friend—and consequently, they will often buy their child things because they’re afraid they’ll lose the friendship. This pattern may continue until the child reaches young adulthood. By that time, he firmly believes that his parents “owe” him whatever he wants. So the confluence of instinct and social pressure—and the need to be liked by their kids—can often make parents overindulge their children.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying it’s not a good thing to give to your children. But I do believe that the way you give to them can either help them develop a sense of ownership by earning things, or nurture a sense of false entitlement because they’re usually getting what they want, when they want it. And when kids grow up with a false sense of entitlement, you'll see them thinking they're entitled to expensive toys, electronic gadgets, trips and cars without having to earn them. They will do poorly in school and still want that car when they turn 18—and expect to get it. They’ll even tell their parents there's something wrong with them if they don't give them what they want, regardless of the family’s financial situation. The attitude of a child with a false sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give to me.”
So how do you challenge that false sense of entitlement in kids, and why is it so important to do so? I believe it’s critical to challenge them because once your child grows up and goes out into the real world, he will have to work for what he wants, just like everyone else. So as a parent, it’s important that you teach your child the value of hard work and earning things. He needs to really see that integral connection between making an effort and achieving success. Conversely, when things are handed to your child, the message he’s getting is, “You don’t need to do anything—everything will be given to you in life just because you’re you.”

If you want to start challenging this pattern in your child, I recommend the following techniques.

Challenging the False Sense of Entitlement in Kids

Ask Yourself, “What Do I Want My Child to Learn?”
Whenever you want to get a message across to your children, I think it’s important to think through what you really want to teach them. Ask yourself, “What do I want my children to learn about money and work to achieve success in life?” And then come up with a procedure that will teach them about finances. Some concepts which I think are important to teach from a young age are:
  • Money doesn't come easily.
  • People work hard to earn money; it’s part of life.
  • If you want something, you need to work to earn it.
  • You are not entitled to things you haven’t earned.
Break these concepts down for your child. You can say, “You can’t make a video game yourself. But when you’re old enough, you can work at Wendy's for a week and get enough money to buy a video game somebody else made.” You can take it one step further by asking, “And why did they make that video game? So they could earn enough money to eat at Wendy's.” Use the teaching role to help your child start connecting the dots. Think about what you want your child to learn and what you want him to take away from the conversation, because that is going to set the tone for the way he thinks about what he earns—and what you give him—from now on.

Set Some Limits on Giving to Your Kids
I think it’s important to put limits on what you give your children. Don’t feel as if you need to give them every little thing they ask for, even if “all the other kids have one.” I think it’s also a good idea to talk to your kids and let them know that you don’t have an infinite supply of money at your fingertips. Tell them from an early age that you and/or your spouse work to make money to support your family. Try to explain that you trade your time for money in order to take care of your household.
When your child asks for things, I think it’s perfectly fine to say, “You’re welcome to buy that with your birthday money,” or “Why don’t you put that on your Christmas list?” Or, “Why don’t you save up your allowance money and buy it?” Saying “no” to your child does not make you a bad or uncaring parent—it just makes you a practical one who wants to teach your child to understand money in a more realistic way.

Tell Your Child the New Rules
Let’s say that up until now you've been giving your child whatever he wants without expecting him to work for it. If you want to give your kids money or things, I think it’s important to come up with a system where you can deliver the goods to them in such a way that they feel like they’ve earned them. In my opinion, paying for extra work around the house is better than giving an allowance, because it gives you more flexibility as you reward them.
If you want to make some changes, I think you should sit down and have a frank discussion with your child.

Younger Kids: For younger children and pre-teens I think you can say something like, “Listen, I want you to learn how to earn some of the things you want by doing extra work around the house. I don’t mean by doing your regular chores, like setting the table or doing the dishes. So for instance, you could mow the lawn, shovel the walk when it snows, or clean my car when it’s dirty. Instead of giving you an allowance, I’m going to pay you to do these things. We’re going to start this Saturday. If you want to earn money, you’ll have to see me Saturday morning to find out what you can do.” Then, determine how much you want to pay him for these jobs and make sure it’s within your budget.

Adolescents: When you talk with adolescents, you can expect a serious reaction to your words, especially if they’ve come to expect to get things without having to earn them. After all, they’re probably very happy with the way things are right now, and they may balk at the idea of having to work for what you give them. The way you prepare for that is by saying to your child, “I have something that I need to talk to you about that's really affecting our finances. You're going to have to keep an open mind and be mature during this conversation. So why don't we get together at four o'clock. This is actually a great technique for you to use with your child. I used to say to kids in my office, “Listen, do you want me to talk to you like a young adult or a little kid?” Naturally, they'd always pick young adult. And then I’d keep my word and talk to them utilizing facts, not feelings. That means I would speak respectfully, frankly, and persuasively. In my opinion, when we talk to teenagers and young adults, we have to be as persuasive as we can be. So when you speak to your teen, try to put things in his best interests: “I want to help you earn some cash because I know you really want to buy that new video game. Here’s how you can make some extra money around the house.” If your child refuses to do odd jobs around the house, the next time he asks for things, you can simply say, “You know how you can earn that new DS. When you’re ready to clean out the garage, I can pay you and you can start saving up.”

Have Your Child Work to Earn Money
If you have the financial capability and you believe in the concept of paying kids to do work around the house, I personally think it’s better to give your child money for doing odd jobs rather than give him a weekly allowance. This way, your child will learn how to manage his finances, and he will also make the connection between work and payment. So let’s say your child gets $10 a week for mowing the lawn. (By the way, he shouldn’t receive this money until the lawn is done.) Then if he wants a video game that costs $50, he has to save for it—that’s how you develop a sense of earned entitlement. Later, a job at Wendy's making $6 an hour will look really good to your child. He'll take that job for 12 hours a week part-time, because he’ll understand that it will bring him $70 a week. He’ll be able to buy a new video game every week if he wants to, and he'll be entitled to do so because he earned it.
If Your Child Doesn’t Comply, Pay Their Siblings to Do the Work
I think it’s important for your child to understand when you’re giving him a gift. To put it simply, he needs to realize that he’s not simply entitled to whatever you give him. How do you do this? This one is a piece of cake. You just say clearly, “I wanted to give you something extra.” Or “Here's a gift from your mother and me.” Be sure to differentiate this from the money you give him for allowance, or the money he might earn from getting on the Dean’s list at school.
Remember, the danger is not having a sense of entitlement; the danger is having a false sense of entitlement. People who have this mindset often hold a negative view of hard work—they put it down and ridicule it. They think they deserve things they haven't earned, and they can develop contempt for people who work to earn things.
I believe that a false sense of entitlement affects every strata of society today. Kids who grow up this way don't want the jobs that are available because they have the belief that they're entitled to something better without having to make an effort. So that false sense of entitlement prohibits them from getting the work skills and the social skills they need to start at the bottom and work their way up.
One of my first jobs involved carrying bolts of cloth in a dress factory and loading trucks. I was 16 years old and I made $1.25 an hour. I didn’t think working hard to earn things was unusual because I had watched my father work all my life. He grew up during The Great Depression, and he always said, “If you want something, you have to work for it.”
Here’s the bottom line: When kids have a false sense of entitlement, they don’t see the world in real terms. When money and material goods have been handed to them their whole lives, the danger is that they won’t have the idea that they should work hard to achieve their goals. Their view of the world will be, “If I want it, someone will give it to me”—but as we all know, that’s just not the way the world functions. Once you leave your parents’ house, it’s up to you to make an effort to achieve some success in life. Sadly, you will often see older children living with their parents into adulthood, because that’s where things are easiest for them. But make no bones about it, that skewed view of the world is going to affect them in a negative way their whole lives.
The good news is that you can start teaching your child now about what it means to work hard to achieve goals in life—before it’s too late.


Friday, April 13, 2012

WEEK OF APRIL 16 - 20


Teen Bedroom Extreme Makeover: Move that TV!
Author: 
 Kathie McGee
Home makeovers are all the rage these days. Now there’s a simple, absolutely FREE way parents can make over a teen’s bedroom and get a healthier teen in the process. This quick and easy makeover method can lead your teen to: 
·         Eat more fruits and vegetables
·         Be more physically active 
·         Eat meals with the family more often 
·         Earn a higher GPA
Along with producing a healthier child, this makeover could create some needed space in a usually cluttered teen bedroom and help reduce your electric bill. 
What is this fantastic new research-based, doctor-approved teen bedroom makeover tip? Remove the TV from your teen’s bedroom!
According to research published in the April 2008 issue of Pediatrics magazine, teen girls with a TV in their bedroom not only watch more TV than their peers who don’t have bedroom TVs – five hours more per week – but also spend less time being physically active, eat fewer vegetables, drink more sweetened beverages and eat fewer meals with their families.
The study found that teen boys with bedroom TVs fared no better. 
Compared to their “TV-deprived” peers, boys with bedroom TVs watch four more hours of TV per week, eat less fruit, eat fewer meals with their families and have lower GPAs.
Convinced to pull the plug yet? 
The study also found that 16% of teens with bedroom TVs watch more than five hours a day. Teens who watch this much TV might be “heavy” viewers in more ways than one, because other studies have shown a link between teens having bedroom TVs and being overweight. 
All of this research is backed up by the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics to not put TVs in children’s bedrooms. 
For the parents of the 68% of 8- to 18-year-olds who already have a TV in their bedroom, here are some tips to help you and your teen unplug:
Talk with your teen, not at him or her. Calmly explain why it would be good idea to remove the TV. Discuss the research mentioned earlier and explain that you want to take positive steps to help your child be healthy.
Help your teen find healthy entertainment alternatives. Be on the lookout for good media that can provide opportunities for you and your teen to laugh, cry, think, question, learn and appreciate. Enjoy them together as a family whenever possible. Encourage and model participation in various activities – outdoor recreation, music lessons, sports, reading, volunteering, drawing, painting and gardening. 
Be a good role model. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Bedroom TVs can have a negative impact on adults, too. Parents are certainly entitled to privileges their children might not have. But this may be one you want to rethink. Whether you remove your TV or limit your bedroom viewing, you could benefit from improved sleep, improved health and a better relationship with your child.
Kudos to you parents who’ve refused to put a TV in your child’s room. Hold your ground. You now have several more good reasons to keep that TV out. And your child will be happier and healthier without it. 
 D.J. Barr-Anderson, P. van den Berg, D. Neumark-Sztainer, & M. Story (2008). Characteristics associated with older adolescents who have a television in their bedrooms. Pediatrics, 121(4), 718-724.
A.M. Adachi-Meja, M.R. Longacre, J.J. Gibson, M.L. Beach, L.T. Titus-Ernstoff, & M.A. Dalton (2007). Children with a TV in their bedroom at higher risk for being overweight. International Journal of Obesity (Lond)., 31(4), 644-651.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

WEEK OF APRIL 9 - 13


Empathy: Teaching your Teenager How to Care About Others

The ability to recognize others as human beings with feelings just like you is called empathy. It is a quality that underlies love, caring and compassion. Teaching your teenager how to care about others and set them up to develop strong social relationships.
Lying on my couch sick as a dog, I remember watching in dismay as my teen walked straight past me without so much as an “Are you okay, Mom?” or “Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”. It made me wonder if empathy is a skill that can be taught and learned. Teens are notorious for self-centered behavior. How do parents make them more aware of the needs of others?

What Is Empathy?

Empathy can be defined as an ability to discern one’s own feelings from that of another person; a sense of self-awareness. In addition to being able to put oneself in another person’s shoes and see things from the other person’s perspective, one should also be able to regulate his or her own emotional response.
At this point, you might think that these abilities seem like normal adult social skills. However, even adults can have trouble with these abilities. For instance, some people might refrain from helping others who are in need, not because they lack empathy, but because they may not know how to cope with their own emotional reactions to the other’s person’s plight.
So back to the question about teens and empathy, can it be taught? I am inclined to answer “Yes”. Whether empathy is a skill that can be learned or whether the capacity for it is innate as parents, we can help it to flourish. Additionally, there are varying degrees of empathy, and with practice, we can develop stronger empathic skills. For teenagers, being able to develop this empathic skill is a crucial step in their development because it enhances their social skills as well as their ability to care for other people.
This skill is an important one to foster because studies have shown the lack of empathy as a possible factor in the development of antisocial behaviors such as bullying and cruelty to animals. When the bully is unable to recognize and care about the plight of the victim, he or she is unable to experience guilt and therefore, sees no reason to change and is apt to continue with his or her behavior. Now that we have determined the importance of empathy, what are the best ways to teach empathy to teens so that they can become more compassionate human beings?

Ways To Teach Teens About Empathy

1.    Develop a secure attachment with your teen: When a child’s own emotional needs are addressed and met, they are more apt to show empathy and help others who are in distress. As a parent, you can strive to develop a secure relationship with your child; help them know that they can count on you for both emotional and physical support. Research1 shows that children who have parents that help them cope with negative emotions in a sympathetic, solution-oriented way are more likely to demonstrate concern for other kids.
2.    Remember that your child is not “Mini-you”: Treat your child as an individual with a mind of his or her own. Discuss with him or her about emotional and mental states and help them understand how feelings, desires and emotions can influence behavior. You can teach him or her how to recognize and label feelings by modeling the verbal expression of your own feelings as well as those that you have observed in others. For example, when communicating with your teen, you can use “I” statements like “I felt angry when the cashier was rude to me at the grocery store.” This gives them the language to express themselves responsibly. Additionally, you can use reflective listening to help them label feelings in others by asking them questions like “You seem a little upset today, did something happen at school?” This helps children recognize their feelings as well as the importance of expressing them.
3.    Model empathic behavior and induce sympathetic feelings: As parents, we can seize everyday opportunities to point out situations that call for empathy. We can generate sympathetic responses in our kids. For instance, while watching a television program like "Glee", in which the kids who are considered “nerds” often have slushies thrown at their faces, you can use that to talk to your child about how that person who was being bullied must feel. Or, if your child comes home and shares with you that a new kid in school was being made fun of, you can model caring by saying “He must be feeling so alone and sad, maybe we can invite him over one day?” When we do this, we are taking things one step further because not only are we labeling feelings, we are also helping kids recognize opportunities for caring for other peoples’ emotional needs, thus helping them brainstorm different ways to help.
4.    Walk a mile in someone’s shoes: When teens identify or feel that another person is similar to them, they are more likely to feel empathy for that individual. So one way to teach teens to develop their empathic skills would be to help them discover what they have in common with other individuals. Moreover, in this age of “cyber-ism” where the line between “real” and the “imaginary” is blurred and seldom are there direct consequences for their actions, the more we can humanize the victim's distress, the better our teen will be able to respond with empathy.
These are just a few suggestions on how to teach empathy to teens. Teaching your teen empathy is like turning their “mirrors” into “windows”. A mirror symbolizes self-centeredness, where the teens see only themselves and care only for their own feelings. Windows symbolize empathy, where the teen is able to look beyond their own needs and put themselves in another person’s position. In addition to teaching them to strengthen their empathic skills, we also have to provide them with opportunities for giving. In school, teens are required to do a certain amount of volunteer work. This is good because it gives them a chance to help others who are less fortunate. As parents, we can help our teens identify places (e.g., a homeless shelter or hospice) where they can get the chance to work directly with those in need, enabling them to start identifying with those people and further strengthening their empathic development.

References

1.    1Kestenbaum, R., Farber, EA & Sroufe, LA (1989). Individual differences in empathy among preschoolers: Relation to attachment history. In N. Eisenberg
2.    Family Values: How to Teach Kids Empathy http://www.beliefnet.com
3.    Bennett, Deidre, "Everyday Ways To Teach Empathy,"http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/715

Taken from: