WEEK OF AUGUST 27 - 31

10 Ways to Motivate Your Child to Do Better in School by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC

“My son is a smart kid, but he doesn’t work hard in school. Now the teacher said he’s in danger of getting F’s in most of his subjects.”

“My daughter just does enough to get by, instead of trying her best. When I talk to her about how important it is to get good grades in high school, she rolls her eyes and tells me she doesn’t care and that it’s boring. It’s enough to make me pull my hair out.”

The truth is, most kids are motivated, but not by what we think should motivate them.

Do you have a child who comes home with failing grades year after year—or straight C’s when you know he could get A’s? You assume, based on his abilities, that he should be more successful in school. It’s enough to drive you crazy—especially because you know how important it is for him to do well so he can get into college someday—or even just graduate. You’re worried sick about his future, so you nag and get on his case about his laziness, lack of motivation and irresponsibility. You just don’t get why he’s so uninterested in doing well, so you try everything you can think of to motivate him. But try as you might, the situation doesn’t get better—in fact, it gets worse.

As a parent, it’s difficult not to become invested in our child’s academic life because we know how important it is for their future. From our perspective, it makes no sense that our kids would put things like friends or electronics before their work. The truth is, most kids are motivated, but not by what we think should motivate them. Look at it this way: your child is probably highly motivated and not at all lazy when it comes to things that excite him, like video games, music, Facebook and what cool new jeans to buy. One thing for certain is that if you pressure your child in order to motivate him, it almost always makes things worse.

Understand that kids need to buy into the value of doing well. Think about it in terms of your own life—even as an adult, you may know it’s best to eat right, but actually following through is another story! In a way, your child must own the importance of doing well himself. Of course external factors may also get in the way (mental or physical illnesses, learning disabilities or behavioral disorders, family issues and substance abuse, to name a few.)  

For some people, all the stars are aligned at the right time—motivation, skill and attitude combine to create a successful outcome. But for most of us, it’s way trickier and a much more uneven path to motivation and success. When you think about it, not every kid asks teachers for help, does all their homework on time all the time, reviews the material they learned each night and puts aside all the other distractions to get down to their studies. The ones who do are typically the kids who have what is called “good executive functioning,” because the front part of their brain is more developed. This plays a significant role in school achievement. It helps the regulation of emotions, attention span, perseverance, and flexibility. For many, many kids their functioning often does not develop until much later in the adolescent years. This is particularly tough if you are a parent who was responsible at an early age, but you now have a child lagging behind. It’s hard to imagine that they’re not just lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated. Of course, if you start believing these things about your child, you will simply get annoyed, frustrated, angry, and reactive to their laziness—which will contribute to the power struggle and to their to their defiance. How can you avoid doing this? Read on to find out.

1. Keep a relationship with your kids that is open, respectful and positive. Stay on your kids’ team, don’t play against them. This will allow you to be most influential with them, which is your most important parenting tool. Punishing, preaching, threatening and manipulating will get you nowhere and will be detrimental to your relationship and to their ultimate motivation. Your feelings of anxiety, frustration and fear are normal and understandable. But reacting to your kids out of these emotions will be ineffective. Remember, your child is not behaving this way on purpose to make your life miserable or because they are lazy good-for-nothings. When you feel yourself getting worked up, try saying to yourself, “My child is just not there yet.” Remember, your job is to help them learn how to be responsible. If you get negative and make this a moral issue, then your child might become defiant, reacting to you instead of thinking through things himself.  

2. Incorporate the “when you” rule.  One of life’s lessons is that we get the goodies after we do the work. When you practice shooting hoops every day, you start making more baskets. You get paid after you work at your job. So start saying things like, “When you finish studying you are welcome to go to Gavin’s house.” Or “When your homework is completed, we can discuss watching that movie you wanted to see on Netflix.” Enforce this rule and stick to it. If your child does not yet have the ability to plan and initiate and persevere, by sticking to this rule, you are helping them learn how to do what their own brain is not yet equipped to do, which is to create the structure for him.

3. When you are invited in. If your child is not studying and his grades are dropping, you’re invited in whether he wants you or there or not. Again, you’re there to help set up a structure that he is not able to create for himself. The structure might include scheduled study times, having the computer out in a public place in your home, and saying, “No video games or TV until after homework is done.” You might decide that he must spend a certain amount of hours devoted to study time. During this time, no electronics or other distractions are allowed. You might make the rule that even if he finishes all his homework, he must complete study time by reviewing, reading, or editing. You might make the rule that he devotes an hour-and-a-half to quiet time, no electronics, and just doing his work. Understand that it’s not meant as punishment; rather, this is helping him develop a good work ethic and to focus on his school subjects. Some kids do better listening to music while they study, but no other electronics or multi-tasking is recommended.

4. Ask the teacher. If your child’s grades and work habits are not up to par, you can set up a plan by sitting down with him and his teachers. He might have to check with them to make sure he has everything before leaving school, and then check with you before going back to school to make sure all his work is in his bag. Once your child gets better at managing his time, completing his work and reviewing his subjects before tests, then it’s time for you to back off.

5. Identify a study spot. You may need to sit with your child while she’s doing her work or at least be nearby to help her stay on track. She may need a quiet location away from brothers and sisters or she may do better in a room near others. You can help her experiment. But once you find what works best, keep her in that location. You will not do her work for her, but you may need to review her work and ask her if a certain paragraph makes sense to her, for example.

6. Break it down. Decide together whether or not it will be helpful to your child for you to help him break down his assignments into small pieces and organize on a calendar what he should get done each day. You can get him a big wall calendar or a white board. You might also get extra help from his teacher or get a tutor for him if that’s in your budget.

7. Be kind but firm. Try your best to be a parent who is kind, helpful, consistent and firm versus punitive, over-functioning and controlling. For every negative interaction with your child, try to create ten positive ones. Try to put the focus on supporting and encouraging him instead of worrying and nagging. When you start to believe his grades are a reflection of you or your parenting and that you are responsible for his outcome, you will be on his case—and it will be harmful and ineffective.

8. Lack of motivation or anxiety? Recognize that so much of your child’s lack of motivation (or what looks like irresponsibility) might be his own anxiety or shame about academics and schoolwork. Most people have anxiety about doing certain things and avoid them like the plague. Kids may not be able to explain all of this to you because it’s not always on a conscious level for them. Here’s a typical scenario. Let’s say your child tells you he doesn’t have homework when he actually does.  This will stir up your anxiety. When you react to it by yelling or criticizing, your child will manage his anxiety by distancing from it—and from you—more. While a little anxiety can motivate, too much blocks your child’s ability to think and to have access to the part of the brain that helps him with motivation. Keep your emotions in check by recognizing that it’s your child’s anxiety at play rather than his laziness. Your job (and how you will be most helpful to him) is to not react to his anxiety or your own.

Recognize that sometimes your child’s feelings of shame, inferiority or anxiety can be misinterpreted as a lousy attitude, lack of motivation, and irresponsibility. Often the cover up for these vulnerable emotions can take the form of acting out, shutting down, avoidance, and defiance. Remember that what is happening now may look very different as your child matures and develops. In the meantime, in a positive relationship, lend him your brain by helping him with the structure and habits he can’t pull off on his own. And calm yourself by understanding the bigger picture of what is going on now.

9. Teach life balance. Remember to always keep the big picture in mind. Rather than go crazy over your child’s grades, help her to balance her life with friendships, other activities, volunteer work and family activities. Get involved with her school affairs when you can and take an interest in her school projects.

10. Don’t futurize. When we see our child seeming to have no interest in his life, it’s easy to start fast forwarding into the future. When he acts like he doesn’t care about anything except video games and his friends, we worry that he won’t be successful or even functional on his own. This ramps up our anxiety and our fear. But here’s the truth: none of us have a crystal ball or can really see into the future. Focusing on the negative things your child is doing will only bring the spotlight on them, and may set you both up for a power struggle. Instead, focus on your child’s positive traits and help him work on those in the present. Is he outgoing, helpful, or good with animals? Focus on all the things that go into a developed, successful person, not just academics and grades and help your child develop in social, creative, and emotional ways.

Parents are often so worried about their child falling behind that they end up in a power struggle with their kids over it, but nothing gets better. They go round and round, just fighting about the grades and the work. But if you as the parent can calm down and understand that this is not just a bad attitude and an unmotivated kid—and that you can’t force them to be motivated—then you can actually start meeting your child where he is and helping where he needs help. Remember, your goal is to stop the reactivity and solve the problem.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school.php#ixzz24TfwLUPY

Taken from: http://www.empoweringparents.com/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school.php?utm_medium=email&utm_source=email08212012NX&spMailingID=39599096&spUserID=MjE5MjU5NjAyNTYS1&spJobID=155262375&spReportId=MTU1MjYyMzc1S0

WEEK OF AUGUST 20 - 24

All play and no work make for spoiled and helpless children

The best-intentioned parents might be raising spoiled kids. Too often, experts say, parents are spoiling kids not just with toys and gadgets, but by failing to set limits, not requiring chores and smoothing all frustrations to keep kids happy. "Parents think they overindulge out of kindness, but they're training kids to be helpless and irresponsible," said Connie Dawson, co-author of the new book, How Much is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children. "It looks good and it feels good at the time, but over the long haul, overindulgence undermines a child's confidence and competence," she said. Two-thirds of parents say their children are spoiled, according to a 2001 Time/CNN survey. And it's worse than even a decade ago, 80 percent of those surveyed agreed. "Clearly, parents are more indulgent than the previous generation," said Dan Kindlon, author of Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age. "Sure, kids in the '50s were spoiled compared to their parents, but we've taken it up another step," he said. "A lot of parents now have gone off the deep end."

While parents uniformly agree that self-control and self-discipline are important for children to learn, only a third said they have successfully imparted these qualities, according to a 2002 survey by Public Agenda. Likewise, just over a third said they have taught children to be independent and do for themselves, despite the three-quarters who say those traits are "absolutely essential."

Parents who overindulge ultimately fail at the most important task of parenting: helping their child grow up. "Really, kids want to grow toward competence," said Dawson, a Kirkland, Wash.-based therapist. "What they need are adults to help them get there." Dawson and her co-authors studied adults who were overindulged as children and discovered three main ways of overindulging:

Giving too much. "With a constant barrage of too many and too much, children often experience a sense of scarcity because they fail to learn the vital skill of ascertaining what is enough."

Overnurturing. "There is no such thing as too much love. But true love does not hover or intrude or deprive a child of the opportunity to reach out, to learn new skills, to feel the thrill of achievement or to experience consequences."

Too little structure. "Soft structure is giving children too much freedom and license. Firm structure includes establishing and enforcing rules, creating firm boundaries, monitoring children's safety, teaching children skills for living and insisting they do chores." Whining and demanding might be the most obvious traits of overindulged kids, but as they grow up, they might:

• Lack life and self-care skills.
• Have an overblown sense of entitlement.
• Have trouble learning how to delay gratification.
• Expect to be a constant center of attention.
• Be reluctant to take personal responsibility.
• Have difficulty knowing what's normal or enough.
• Have an unrealistic sense of their strengths and weaknesses.

Kindlon's research, which included surveys of 1,078 parents and 654 teenagers, found teens who described themselves as "spoiled" were twice as likely to have used drugs. "Very spoiled" teens were at higher risk for behavioral problems such as underachieving at school, cheating on tests and skipping school. "Most people are not consciously setting their children up for failure as adults, but parents aren't recognizing the long-term consequences," said Elizabeth Crary, a Seattle parent educator and author of Dealing With Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don't Go Their Way and Pick Up Your Socks . . . and Other Skills Growing Children Need!. Consistently protecting children from any discomfort denies them the opportunity to develop skills for dealing with disappointment and frustration, she said. "It's less painful to learn those skills when kids are 3 or 5 than as young adults," she said.

Seattle residents Jacque Coe and her husband, Rusty, make a conscious effort not to overindulge their 20-month-old son Blake. "We have seen many others whose homes seem to be overrun with toys and gadgets," Coe said. "Instead, we try to go short on toys and long on personal experiences such as reading, walks, feeding birds and playing at the park." Likewise, she tries not to overprotect him. "Occasionally, there will be tugs of war over a toy, but I try to let him resolve it himself, as my stepping in isn't going to really serve him in the long run," she said. "Children who are overindulged sometimes lack the confidence other children develop in themselves through experiences which require them to work, think, or sacrifice."

Experts blame the current trend of overindulgence on guilt and fatigue from parents' long work hours, ubiquitous advertising campaigns targeted at kids, and baby boomers' reluctance to say "no." "Our kids are so precious to us," said Kindlon, a professor of psychology at Harvard University and father of two. "We use kids as antidepressants — and we don't want to jeopardize our prescription." Though they might tell themselves they are justified in pampering kids, overindulging parents opt for the easy path, experts say.

"Being too tired is the biggest obstacle to being a good parent," Kindlon said. "You can pick up their toys in five minutes or tell the kids to do it for 15 minutes. The first is easier for you, but is it the right thing for them?" It's often educators who end up calling "Whoa." Teachers increasingly report dealing with "overentitled children who feel they can break rules that apply to everyone else," Dawson said. "Educators tell me that in 90 percent of discipline cases, the parents are on the child's side against the school," Kindlon noted. "I can tell you it didn't use to be that way. Kids are not being held responsible at home." In many families, even basic kid chores are often waived. Three-quarters of 1,015 adults surveyed said children have fewer chores than their counterparts 10 or 15 years ago, according to the Time/CNN survey.

But experts say chores are essential for children, whether it's taking out the garbage or feeding a pet. "It doesn't matter so much what the child does," Crary said. "What's helpful is children feel they're contributing to the welfare of the family in some manner." A long-term study of 84 children by a University of Minnesota professor, released in 2002, found that preschoolers who participated in household tasks were more likely to grow up to be successful as young adults. Jurate Harrison, of Edmonds, Wash., expects her daughters Maura, 16, and Daina, 15, to do their own laundry, wash dinner dishes and sometimes cook meals. She also pays them each $15 a week to clean the house, with one vacuuming, dusting, mopping and scrubbing the upstairs, while the other tidies downstairs.

They use this income, in addition to $10 a week allowance, for friends' birthday presents, lunches and supplementary clothes and accessories. "It has been really good to watch them begin to understand the value of hard-earned money, as well as learning to clean a house," Harrison said. "And I get house-cleaning service with a smile."

One protective factor Kindlon found against dangerous teen behavior was whether teens were expected to keep their room clean. Though his research didn't delve into why, he suspects it's an indication that kids are supervised and expected to adhere to certain standards. Teens who performed community service also displayed fewer problems, Kindlon said. "Kids don't do chores because they're busy with homework and extracurricular activities, but what's overlooked is that all these activities are geared to help them — to get into a good college, to get a good job. Giving back to other people helps kids not take themselves so seriously." Baby boomers especially shun the authority figure role, but Kindlon's survey found teens who reported strict parents also said they had fun together. "It's not an either/or proposition," he said. "The kind of parents kids hate are the ones who let them get away with everything, especially if it's because their parents are never around."

Some suggested chores, by age:

Ages 2 and 3:

• Clear place at table after meals and put dishes on the counter.
• Put recycling items in their containers.
• Hang up coats on low hooks.
• Set the table (not necessarily in correct positions).

Ages 4 and 5:

• Feed pets (when reminded).
• Get the mail.
• Put dirty clothes in basket or hamper.
• Help fill the dishwasher.
• Make a peanut-butter sandwich.

Ages 6 and 7:

• Water plants and flowers.
• Wash dog.
• Pull weeds.
• Make beds.
• Put clothes away in drawers or closet.

 Ages 8 and 9:

• Clean sinks.
• Take out garbage and recycling.
• Sweep, mop or vacuum.
• Carry dirty clothes to laundry room.
• Cook simple foods with supervision, such as eggs and toast.

Ages 10 to 12:

• Do laundry, with assistance.
• Load and run dishwasher.
• Wash the family car.
• Change sheets on beds.
• Assist with younger siblings.

Older children can also continue those chores started at younger ages.

Sources: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries, by Robert J. MacKenzie and Pick Up Your Socks . . . and Other Skills Growing Children Need, by Elizabeth Crary http://www.sltrib.com/2004/Mar/03152004/monday/147924.asp

Taken from: http://www.cyc-net.org/today2004/today040319.html

WEEK OF AUGUST 13 - 17

Tips for starting secondary school - a survival kit

So you're off to secondary school for the first time! It's going to be a big change.

For loads of you the biggest change will be the size of your school - often there are hundreds more pupils at a secondary school than at a primary.

So what do you need to get you through the first few weeks?

All the stuff

As well as your uniform (if you have to wear one) you'll need pens, pencils, calculator, kit bag, rubber, pencil case, and loads of spare paper.

A decent backpack

You'll be carrying shed loads more books than at primary school. You'll probably have to move from classroom to classroom and often you won't have time to get to your locker.

Uniforms
Uniforms can sometimes feel restrictive but in most schools you can get away with customizing your uniform after the first few weeks.

Make sure it won't get you into trouble and once you're sure then loosen that tie or roll your skirt waistband over once or twice!

If you don't have a uniform don't feel pressured into being the trendiest thing on two legs. Your real friends will like you whatever you wear.

Learn your way around
Try and get a good mental map of the school in your head quite quickly. It'll make you feel more confident when you're trundling round the corridors.

Join some clubs or societies
If you like football or chess or art, join a club. After school activity clubs are a great way to make friends with people in your year and above.

If you get bullied TELL SOMEONE
You could hear loads about bullying in your new school and sometimes other kids can make you feel frightened that it is going to happen to you.

Don't let stories of bullying scare you. Nine times out of ten that's all they are, stories.

All schools now have a bullying policy so tell your parents or a teacher straight away if you feel you are being bullied.

Have fun
Secondary school is where all your options open up. You grow up there, especially if you stay on until sixth form, you won't leave until you are an adult.

School Dinners
You've already been at primary school so you know how 'interesting' school meals can be.

At secondary school you may have far less supervision at mealtimes. Eat a good balanced lunch which includes fruit and vegetables as well as carbohydrates and try not to spend all your dinner money on chips.

Taken from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/gloucestershire/kids/2002/08/back2school.shtml