Monday, December 16, 2013

WEEK OF DECEMBER 16 - 20

50 Fun Holiday Activities Your Teen Will Love

Christmas time is always a special fun time of year for the whole family. If you need ideas for some activities for your teen, youth group or entire family, here are 50 things teens I know will have fun doing this holiday season.

1.     Decorate Christmas cookies.
2.     Decorate their room.
4.     Make Christmas cards.
5.     Sing carols for a cause.
7.     Hunt for a Christmas tree.
8.     Trim a Christmas tree.
10. Make cinnamon ornaments.
13. Sell Christmas trees with a youth group.
14. Have a Christmas Specials and Movie marathon.
15. Send a Christmas card and letter to a soldier.
16. Journal this quick list: My Ten Favorite Christmas Specials.
17. Journal this quick list: My Ten Favorite Christmas Songs.
18. Journal this list: Top Five Gifts I've Received of all Time.
19. Think about and journal what Christmas means to you.
20. Make a Christmas wish list.
21. String popcorn for the tree or mantel.
22. Read a holiday story.
23. Say this tongue twister 5 times: Snow slows Santa's sled.
24. Write a poem about Christmas.
25. Write a poem about snow.
26. Make a music video using Christmas Carols.
27. Wrap your bedroom door like a present.
28. Make candy cane bath salts.
29. Organize a local coat drive.
30. Make Christmas wrapping paper.
31. Learn to make a traditional family Holiday dish or dessert.
32. Adopt a grandparent or visit a nursing home with a group of friends.
33. Take your younger sibling to see Santa.
34. Offer to babysit for a Christmas shopping night for a family with younger kids - for free.
35. Put your name in glitter on a Santa hat. Wear it.
42. Make a gingerbread house.
43. Make Candy Cane Fudge.
44. Track Santa online.
45. Make a holiday journal.
46. Make a CD of your favorite or new this year Christmas songs.
47. Write out Christmas cards for your friends.
48. Read the Christmas story in a Bible.
49. Learn something new about Christmas in a different culture.
50. Sit in the room with your Christmas tree with all the lights out but the tree lights. Enjoy your Christmas.


Monday, December 9, 2013

DECEMBER 9 - 13

Demanding Children and Teens: Is Entitlement Just a Stage?

Your 10-year-old son begs you to buy him the newest video game. He cries, “All my friends have it. Why can’t you be like all the other parents? They buy their kids the stuff they want!” Or, your 16-year-old daughter is annoyed that she has to drive the old beat up Chevy to school. “I don’t want to be seen in this piece of junk! Have you seen what kind of cars the other kids drive!?”

If you’re like most parents, your pulse probably rises as you listen to your kids’ demands and witness their attitudes of entitlement. You might even be wondering what went wrong. It's easy to get down on yourself and think, “How did I raise a child who is so self involved? Where did she get the idea that I am on this earth to just serve her needs?!"

The truth is, self-absorption is not easy to live with. Children, particularly teens, deeply believe that they are entitled to the things they want and need –  and that you should provide it for them on demand. They rarely recognize that their insistence that they get what they want and their entitled ways impact others. And let's face it, teens and tweens can sometimes be arrogant with their belief that they are special. Many act defiant, demanding and down-right rude if they don't get their way. They will plead, threaten, manipulate and can drive you crazy with the relentlessness of their demands and their righteous belief that they deserve whatever it is that they want.

Don’t panic. You are not to blame.

Believe it or not, your child is not the only one. His or her sense of entitlement is actually a normal and necessary stage of development on their journey toward adulthood. Your job as a parent will be to steer them out of their self-centeredness and toward self control.
Understand that kids do not yet have the power or resources to influence their world, but they believe that getting their desires satisfied is crucial to their survival. Their sense of entitlement helps them “survive” by going after what they think they need. Your child’s job is to demand things and communicate the urgency in obtaining them. There's even something to admire about the passion that your child expresses. Your task is to guide them and help them to find balance between their desires and their self restraint – not an easy thing for us or for them! As frustrating and annoying as it is to live with your adolescent's self absorption, knowing that it's a normal part of their development will make it easier for you to deal with their urgent demands and attitudes without your strong feelings of anger, fear or guilt.

Oops, I Did It Again...

Don't beat yourself up if you give in to your child's demands. Sometimes we are simply worn down by them and we say "okay." Sometimes we say yes because we feel badly for them, or because we feel guilty. Sometimes we give in for reasons we don't even understand in the moment. It's a good idea, therefore, to keep an eye on your own tendencies and  behaviors so that you don’t inadvertently contribute to your child's sense of  entitlement.
Ask yourself these questions to help you observe your tendencies and habits:
·         Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” to what you want to say “no” to? Do you say yes because you want your child to like you, or do you want to avoid conflict?
·         Do you ever find yourself living through your kids? Perhaps you buy your daughter that expensive dress because she looks so good or get her the expensive stuff that you wished you had. But do you then label her spoiled?
·         Do you put too few demands on your kids – is your hidden message that school work, doing well, achieving, being on top trumps good character?
Our own needs can slip in to our parenting if we don’t keep a careful eye on ourselves. That's why it's important to continually do our own self-inventory. At the same time, we need to help our kids manage their desires and learn self-restraint, limits, manners and respect of their own and others boundaries.
Here are some tips to help you guide them away from self-centeredness while helping kids to maintain their passions in life.
   
1.    Listen first: Allow your kids to express their desires and demands and try to just listen. Calm your own inner voice down by remembering that they have a right to their feelings. Don’t be threatened; these are just feelings. Because your kids want something doesn't mean they have to have it. Nor does it mean that they are ungrateful, lousy kids or that you have been lousy parents. Instead of blurting out comments like, “You only think of yourself, “ or “You know we don’t have the money, so why are you asking,” “You are so spoiled." or “What’s wrong with you?” try comments more like :

“I understand how much you want that. I know it means a lot to you.  We are willing to give you x dollars toward it – the rest you can either save up for take from your allowance.” Or, “I know that you really want this new video game. Perhaps we can get it for you on your birthday, but if you want it sooner, then maybe you can try to get an extra tutoring job or mow the lawn for Dad and make some extra money.” This way, you're putting the responsibility on the child rather than saying NO all the time or saying YES all the time.
2.    Don't let them think they're the center of the universe: Notice if your conversations are overly child-centered. “Do you need anything for your science project? What would you like for dinner tonight?” Try to balance these conversations by including yourself more. “I had a long day at work and I'm looking forward to some relaxation time tonight; what’s on your agenda this evening?” Try to not make your child the center of the universe – they are not. Don’t make them believe your purpose on earth is to provide for them by jumping quickly to their every request.
3.    Remember to teach your kids to think about you and others: Teach them to always ask if others would like something if they're getting up from the table. Ask them for help when you have a dinner party or a project to complete.  Expect them to do jobs and chores around the house. Remind them to say thank you. Make sure they call their grandparent to see how he is doing or if there is anything he needs. Teach them to ask about your day. Make sure they do something to help out in their school or community. Show them they're not the only ones that matter. Respect yourself so that they learn to respect you.
4.    Don't over-empathize with pleading: Every child and particularly teens want, want, want. Remember to not over-empathize with their pleading, begging and crying. Empathize but don’t over-empathize, because if you do, you might automatically give in to their every wish. The danger of indulging them is that you risk resenting them – they, then are at risk of being resented, undermined, ungrateful and unsatisfied.
5.    Talk about advertising and media messages: Living in a society that prizes material things above all else is a force we must counteract. Watch TV together or look through magazines and discuss ways advertisers attempt to manipulate. Enforce the old fashioned values of success and perseverance, which come from developing a good character versus success that comes from being the best or having the most. Make sure you to live by these values, as well.
Defiant Kids Who Threaten and Misbehave to Get What They Want

When it comes to more defiant kids, the same applies: you just have to hold on stronger and not let the intimidating, threatening behavior cause you to give in to the "gimmes." Let's say your child is being rude, disrespectful, aggressive or defiant when he does not get what he wants. His birthday or Christmas is coming up, and you are probably tempted to withhold his gifts since he’s been treating everyone in the family poorly. This is understandable, but it’s not be the most effective way to handle things in the long term.

Instead, hold him accountable to better behavior.  Deal with the unacceptable way he is taking out his frustration on everyone when he’s not getting what he wants. Let him know it’s unacceptable to act out that way and hand him consequences when you are both calm. Perhaps he loses cell phone privileges for a short time until you see better behavior. Perhaps he loses his social privileges and stays home so you can have a problem-solving conversation with him about better ways to handle his emotions. No matter what, make sure you teach your child successful ways to manage himself when he’s faced with disappointments and limits.

If your defiant child uses threats to get what he wants, be sure to not let this behavior work. Stay in charge of yourself and don't be controlled by the intimidation. If he’s a young child, remove him from the situation if he’s ruining your holiday or yelling in public. If he's an older child, ask him to leave the house if he is acting out during holiday festivities. He will need to pay for any damages if he destroys property. If he refuses, you can take the money he owes for the damaged property and deduct from a holiday gift. (Let him know ahead of time if this is what you have in mind.)

Children need to be “all about themselves” in order to successfully separate from us and create their own identity. Their need to believe that they are important and  amazing is not a bad thing as long as it has its limits. Remember this is a stage of development. No need to "futurize," and worry that they'll never change. Being an understanding parent and setting firm boundaries will help assure that your child will blossom into an  adult who likes herself, and knows how to get her needs met in the world while thinking, caring and giving to others.

Monday, December 2, 2013

DECEMBER 2 - 6

7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?
If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you're in your child's head, there's no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you'll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.
This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.
Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices. Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behavenot by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them. You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child. Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework? Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can't "program" your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.
Related: How to give consequences that will work.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying. Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn't feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child's grades slip, or you find that he's not getting his work in on time, you are automatically "invited in" to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn't have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids. Extremely defiant kids who don't seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child. Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

NOVEMBER 25 - 29

Tweens

12 Proven Ways to Keep your Kids Away from Drugs, Drinking and Sex

These 12 ways sound simple, but they're effective, so do your best to do the entire dozen to Keep your Kids Away from Drugs, Drinking and Sex
  1. Monitor what your children watch on TV.
  2. Monitor what they do on the Internet.
  3. Put restrictions on the music they buy and listen to.
  4. Know where your kids are after school and on weekends.  Know their friends and their friends' parents.
  5. Expect to be told the truth by your kids about where they really are going.
  6. Be "very aware" of your child's academic performance.
  7. Impose a curfew.
  8. Make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate the use of alcohol, marijuana, cigarettes, drugs and having sex .
  9. Eat dinner with your children several times per week.
  10. Turn off the TV during dinner.
  11. Assign regular chores.
  12. Have an adult present when your child returns from school or from being out with friends.
Based on research and findings of The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University.


© 2010 iMOM. All Rights Reserved. Family First, All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute with Mark Merrill are registered trademarks.

Friday, November 15, 2013

NOVEMBER 18 - 22

Six of the best: the traits your child needs to succeed

Skilled teachers and top schools help, but researchers are increasingly discovering that what pupils bring to the classroom matters as much – or more – than what the classroom can offer them.

What makes a child do well in school? When I ask parents that question, they always have lots of great answers: a high IQ, a terrific school, well-run lessons, skilled teachers, a creative curriculum, and high expectations.

Although all these things help, the real secret of great learning lies elsewhere – inside children themselves. Increasingly, researchers are discovering that what children bring to the classroom matters every bit – and in many ways more – than what the classroom can offer them.

Children with the attitude and disposition that encourage good learning will flourish even in a mediocre school, while those who come with a mindset that hampers learning won't be able to make much of even the best educational opportunities.

Numerous studies in the US and elsewhere show that test scores leap, often by more than 10 per cent, when children are encouraged to develop good attitudes towards themselves and their learning. As a result, schools around the world are starting to offer programmes to help their students develop key character strengths.

A recent "positive education" conference at Wellington College in Berkshire drew participants from America, Singapore and Australia to discuss how teachers can help students "grow" their inner cores.

But parents have been left out of this learning loop, and often don't realise that there is far more to securing a good education for their children than simply bagging a place at the best school in the neighbourhood – schools and teachers can only turn children into terrific learners if those children's parents are laying down the foundations at home that will encourage pupils to step up to the challenges of the classroom.

There is growing evidence that character traits such as resilience, persistence, optimism and courage actively contribute to improved academic grades. And there are six key qualities that parents can foster in their children that will help them do their very best in school. These are:

1. Joie de vivre
The ability to love and appreciate life might sound wishy-washy in the hard world of exam results, but love and security feed a host of qualities that great learners need. These include the ability to be open and receptive, to be willing and to feel connected.
Meanwhile, cultivating an attitude of appreciation means being able to enjoy the journey of learning, wonder at nature, relish a good story, feel good about achievements, and enjoy the companionship of the classroom. All of which, in turn, feed confidence, excitement and curiosity back into the learning loop.


2. Resilience
For years, resilience has been known to be essential for great learning. Martin Seligman, the US psychology professor who has studied this extensively, has shown that it helps children think more flexibly and realistically, be more creative and ward off depression and anxiety.
Resilient children give things a try. They understand that learning has plenty of setbacks and that they can overcome them. Resilient children talk to themselves differently from non- resilient ones, and don't turn mistakes into catastrophes ("I've failed my maths test, it's a disaster. I'll never get maths!"). Instead, they look at a wider, more positive picture ("Ugh, that was a horrible test, and I screwed up, but I didn't do enough work. Next time I'll do more revision, and it'll probably be a better paper as well").

3. Self-discipline
There are many famous pieces of research that show that children's ability to control their impulses appears to lead to better health, wealth and mental happiness in later life. In school, self-discipline is central.
Great learners need to listen, absorb and think. They need to keep going through difficult patches, stick at hard tasks, manage their time well and keep mental focus. Children who bounce about the classroom shouting the first answer that comes into their heads will never be great learners.
Of course, a joyless, overly controlled child will never be one either. Balance matters. All children need to develop a functioning "internal locus of control".

4. Honesty
Honesty matters for great learning because its opposites – deception and self-deception – hinder progress. Great learners don't say "I'm brilliant at science" but, "I'm OK on photosynthesis, but not sure I've nailed atomic structure yet." And this needs to start early.
The pre-schooler who speaks up and asks what a word means in a story, rather than pretending to know, is already on the way to being a skilful learner. Honesty allows children to build good links with teachers and mentors. It grows confidence, attracts goodwill, and gives children an infallible compass with which to steer their learning.

5. Courage
Learning anything – piano, physics, tennis – is about approaching the unknown, and stepping up to new challenges. Great learners are just as frightened of this as others, but can overcome their fear and find focus.
They are able to try, fail, and try again. They can also navigate school life skilfully. Children need moral courage to turn away from distractions and to be willing to be seen as "a geek" if they want to study, while developing courage also helps them to stand their ground through the temptations of the teenage years.

6. Kindness
Great learners are kind to themselves. They understand that learning is sometimes hard, and not always possible to get right, but keep a "good" voice going in their heads to encourage themselves on.
A kind disposition also draws other people to them and bolsters their learning through the help and support of others, as well as allowing them to work productively in teams and groups. A kind disposition also feeds listening and empathy, which in turn foster deeper, more complex learning.

All these character qualities are great for learning – and also for life. Research shows that they help people build more confidence, face challenges better, earn more money, have more satisfying careers, build stronger relationships, and keep depression and anxiety at bay. Yet, sadly, figures also show that increasing numbers of children are growing up with less ability to control their moods, direct their actions, or show empathy and self-mastery, while many mental health problems, including eating disorders and self-harm, are on the rise.
Our children badly need us to help them develop stronger, more flexible backbones, and all the qualities that contribute to a strong inner core can be actively fostered and encouraged by parents (parents and schools working together is even better). Just as muscles grow stronger with regular exercise, so character traits are strengthened by thoughtful encouragement and reinforcement.