Monday, December 8, 2014

DECEMBER 8 - 12

Teaching Empathy: Evidence-based tips for fostering empathy in children
© 2009 - 2014 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Teaching empathy? This might sound strange if you think of empathy as a talent--something we either have or lack.

But research also suggests that empathy is a complex phenomenon involving several component skills:

• A sense of self-awareness and the ability to distinguish one’s own feelings from the feelings of others.
• Taking another person’s perspective (or, alternatively, “putting oneself in another person’s shoes”).
• Being able to regulate one’s own emotional responses.

These skills might seem like standard-issue, grown-up social skills, and indeed they are.
However, even adults can have trouble with these abilities. For instance, some adults would shrink from offering a wounded person first aid, not because they are callous but because they have trouble coping with their own emotional reactions to the other person’s plight.
So I don’t think of empathy as something you either have or lack. There are degrees of empathy, and, with practice and an understanding of psychology, we can probably develop stronger empathic skills.

Here are some tips for teaching empathy--tips inspired by scientific research.

Teaching empathy tip #1: Address your child’s own needs, and teach him how to “bounce back” from distress

Studies suggest that kids are more likely to develop a strong sense of empathy when their own emotional needs are being met at home (Barnett 1987).
When kids have secure attachment relationships (so that they know they can count on their caregivers for emotional and physical support) they are more likely to show sympathy and offer help to other kids in distress (Waters et al 1979; Kestenbaum et al 1989).

Other research indicates that kids are more likely to show empathic concern for others if they have parents who help them cope with negative emotions in a sympathetic, problem-solving-oriented way. For references, see this article on the case for teaching empathy.


Teaching empathy tip #2: Be a “mind-minded” parent

Treat your child as an individual with a mind of her own, and talk to her about the ways that our feelings influence our behavior.

Observational studies reveal a link between parenting and “theory of mind”—i.e., what kids understand about the goals, desires, and beliefs of other people.
Parents who are “mind-minded” treat their offspring (no matter how young) as individuals with minds of their own. They also talk to their children about emotional and mental states, and discuss the ways that our beliefs, desires, and emotions motivate behavior. For more information about these studies—and an experiment illustrating the importance of “mental state talk”—see this article on mind-mindedness.

Teaching empathy tip #3: Seize everyday opportunities to model—and induce—sympathetic feelings for other people

By modeling empathic behavior--and pointing out situations that call for empathy—parents can generate sympathetic responses in their kids. For example, if you and your child see someone being victimized (in real life, on TV, or in a book), talk with your child about how that person must feel (Pizarro and Salovey 2002).

Teaching empathy tip #4: Help kids discover what they have in common with other people

Experiments suggest that kids are more likely to feel empathy for individuals who are familiar and/or similar to them (e.g., Zahn-Waxler et al 1984; Smith 1988). Kids may also find it easier to empathize with people who they’ve shared unpleasant experiences with (Murphy 1937).

So it’s probably helpful to make kids aware of the similarities they may share with other people. The more we can humanize the victims of distress or tragedy, the better kids will be able to respond with empathy.

Teaching empathy tip #5: Teach kids about the hot-cold empathy gap

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to appreciate the power of a food craving when you aren’t hungry? This is what researchers call the “hot-cold empathy gap,” and it appears to be a universal problem. When people are feeling cool and collected, they underestimate how compelling emotionally or physiologically “hot” states—like hunger—can be.

Conversely, people in the grip of “hot” states often underestimate how much their current perceptions are influenced by their situation.
The hot-cold empathy gap leads to mistakes in judgment and failures of empathy. But once we understand how the hot-cold empathy gap works, we can use it to teach empathy.

For example, we can use moments of discomfort as opportunities to induce empathy for others:

• Did your child get the brush-off from the school snob? You might start a conversation about the experiences of other victims…and note how these episodes can help us avoid acting like snobs ourselves.
• Coping with a miserable family car trip? Ask kids to imagine how their ancestors felt during arduous, dusty, treks in horse-powered carts and wagons.

We might also help kids teaching them about the hot-cold empathy gap.
For instance, kids may have unrealistic attitudes about their ability to control their urges and emotions—and keep making mistakes as a result.

Research on the empathy gap suggests that trying to resist temptation may be less effective than simply avoiding situations that give rise to temptation.

So some kids need to learn that self-control isn’t just about being strong. It’s also about being smart. If you need to get your homework done, keep distractions—like that cell phone—out of sight. If your peers are pressuring you act to uncharitably towards “uncool” kids, maybe you should spend your time with other, more pleasant, people.

Teaching empathy tip #6: Help kids explore other roles and perspectives

As noted in the introduction, empathy involves perspective-taking. What is the world like when experienced from another person’s point of view?
Stories—from books or television—are opportunities for kids to practice perspective-taking skills. What do the characters think, believe, want, or feel?

And how do we know it?

When families discuss these questions, kids may learn a lot about the way other people’s minds work (Dunn et al 2001). In one experimental study, 110 school kids (aged 7 years) were enrolled in a program of reading. Some students were randomly assigned to engage in conversations about the emotional content of the stories they read. Others were asked only to produce drawings about the stories. After two months, the kids in the conversation group showed greater advances in emotion comprehension, theory of mind, and empathy, and the positive outcomes "remained stable for 6 months" (Ornaghi et al 2014).
Other research suggests you don't even have to talk to boost your empathic skills, not if the material you read is sufficiently stimulating. When David Kidd and Emanuele Castano (2013) assigned young adults to read literary fiction -- novels that challenged readers to analyze the psychology of characters -- participants showed temporary improvements in their ability to "read" the minds of others.

And don’t dismiss the usefulness of role-playing games. In an elaborate role-playing trial, researchers asked young, healthy medical students to simulate the difficulties of old age. For example, students wore goggles covered with transparent tape to simulate the effects of cataracts, and heavy rubber gloves to experience poor motor control. After the experiment, the students showed greater empathy towards the elderly (Varkey et al 2006).

Teaching empathy tip #7: Show kids how to “make a face” while they try to imagine how someone else feels.

Suppose I tell you to make a sad face. It’s just play acting, right?
Not really.
Experiments show that simply “going through the motions” of making a facial expression can make us experience the associated emotion.
And it’s not “just our imagination” (whatever that phrase means). When researchers have asked people to imitate certain facial expressions, they have detected changes in brain activity that are characteristic of the corresponding emotions. People also experience changes in heart rate, skin conductance, body temperature (for a concise summary, see Decety and Jackson 2004).

So it seems likely that we can “boost” our empathic powers by imitating the facial expressions of people we want to empathize with.

Pretty cool, huh? And it’s not a new idea. As neuroscientists Jean Decety and Philip L. Jackson point out, this method was suggested by Edgar Allen Poe in his short story the Purloined Letter.

Teaching empathy tip #8: Help kids develop a sense of morality that depends on internal self-control, not on rewards or punishments

Kids are capable of being spontaneously helpful and sympathetic. But experimental studies have shown that kids become less likely to help others if they are given material rewards for doing so.

Other research has shown that kids are more likely to develop an internal sense of right and wrong if they are raised with authoritative , inductive discipline--an approach that emphasizes rational explanations and moral consequences, not arbitrary rules and heavy-handed punishments.
For instance, kids are more likely to internalize moral principles when their parents talk to them about how wrong-doing affects other people--inducing empathy and feelings of guilt (Hoffman and Saltzein 1967).

Teaching empathy tip #9: Teach (older) kids about mechanisms of moral disengagement

Research has demonstrated that average, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to harm others—even torture them—as long as they are provided with the right rationale.

In a famous series of experiments developed by Stanley Milgram of Yale University, subjects were told that they were participating in a “learning experiment” that required them to administer painful electric shocks to another person (Milgram 1963).

The “experiment” was a fake—dressed up with plausible props and an actor who pretended to be in pain after the study participants pressed a button. But the participants were fooled and—urged on by an authoritative man in a white lab coat—they dutifully administered shocks to the screaming “victim.” In fact, almost 65% of participants continued to press the button even after the “victim” had appeared to fall unconscious (Milgram 1963).

These people weren’t psychopaths. They were ordinary people exposed to social pressure from a plausible authority figure. With the right rationalizations, otherwise decent people can disengage their moral responses. And it’s not just an adult phenomenon. Kids can do it, too.
I think it’s a good idea for older kids to learn about Milgram’s research and about the kinds of rationalizations that people use to excuse callous or cruel behavior. For more information, check out this article on mechanisms of moral disengagement.

Teaching empathy tip #10: Inspire good feelings (and boost oxytocin levels) through pleasant social interactions and physical affection

An interesting experiment suggests that higher levels of oxytocin can help people better “decode” the emotional meanings of facial expressions. Researchers had 30 young adult males inhale oxytocin (the “cuddle” hormone) and then examine photographs of other people’s eyes. Compared to men given a placebo, the oxytocin men were better at interpreting the emotions of the people in the photographs (Domes et al 2006).

So perhaps kids will find it easier to understand the emotional signals of others if they are well-supplied with their own, naturally-produced oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when people experience pleasant touching (like hugs and massage). It’s also produced when people engage in pleasant social interactions (Uvnäs-Moberg 2003).


Monday, November 24, 2014

NOVEMBER 24 - 28

How Do You Motivate a Teen?
Yes, It Is Possible! 
Excerpt from the book 
Positive Discipline for Teenagers
By 
Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott 

When parents ask, “How do I motivate my teen?” they usually mean, “How do I get my teen to do what I want? How do I get her to have some balance in her life? How do I get him off the computer, get outside, or do just about anything except sitting around doing nothing?”

Encouragement is the key to motivation. Every parenting tool we are sharing in this Positive Discipline for Teeanagers book is designed to encourage and motivate teens. In this article we’ll cover Six surefire Teen Motivators: compliments, humor, let’s make a deal/collateral, motivation through involvement, joint problem-solving and follow-through.

Compliments

People do better when they feel better. There’s nothing like getting a compliment for something you feel good about or being affirmed for who you are to improve motivation. This is true for everyone, but especially for teens, who often hear endless criticism, nagging, and complaining about their poor performance. If you’re used to using praise as a motivator, you may have a tough time finding something praiseworthy with your teen. That’s why we suggest encouragement because it works even when your kids are in the dumps and making mistakes.

One place to make sure everyone gets a compliment or appreciation is the family meeting. If you have weekly meetings and start each meeting with something positive, your teens might want to be at the meeting for that alone. A fifteen-year-old boy said his favorite time of the week was the appreciation/compliments he got at the family meeting.
During the week, look for ways to let your kids know how unique they are, what you appreciate about them, how adorable they were as little kids. Tell them stories about what they used to do when they were younger. Ask them if there’s something they wish people would say about them or like about them or notice about them, and then make sure you tell them exactly what they want to hear. They will like hearing it, even if they told you what they wanted.

Humor

Teenagers enjoy a sense of humor and respond to it much better than to lectures and nagging. The following situations illustrate how parents use humor to invite cooperation and to lighten things up.
When a teenage girl forgot to set the table, her mother served the dinner directly onto the table. Everyone laughed at the absurdity of the situation. The table was set on time from then on.
Peter was a father of three teens who used betting and guessing games to motivate the children and add humor to a situation. When Peter noticed the chores weren't getting done as agreed, he'd say, "Someone forgot to do something they agreed to. I'll give a dollar to the first person who guesses what it is." The teens ran around the house trying to find out who the culprit was so they could win a dollar.
Another time Peter said, "I'll bet two dollars you can't finish your yard work before the football game starts." He was effective using bets and games because they were infrequent and unexpected. Had Peter tried using bets as rewards and bribes, his children would have felt less respected because he would have inferred the only reason his teens helped the family was for the money.

Let’s Make A Deal and Using Collateral

“I’ll make you a deal. If you walk the dog for me on weekdays, I’ll do a special favor for you on weekends.”
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll pick you and your friends up from the movie if you can find another parent to take you there.”
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll match whatever you save for that new sweater (guitar, game, etc.)"
Collateral works really well with teens. If they want to borrow something of yours, they need to give you collateral which you will return when they return the item. Good collateral might be a favorite piece of clothing, an iPod, an iPad, a cell phone, etc. It needs to be an item that has value to your teen.

Motivation Through Involvement

Dana shared the following at a parenting class: “My daughter, Sage, is doing exceptionally well in school. She is getting the highest score on most tests, and she is not feeling challenged. At the last Parent Teacher Conference she asked for more challenging work from her teacher. Other members of the group wanted to know what Dana did to motivate Sage to do so well.”
Dana then shared the following: “I have learned that what works well with Sage is explaining to her the benefit of doing well.  I use every opportunity I can to point them out to her.  When she learns something new, I take it to the next level with more information and then point out to her that is what is so cool about learning, that you learn one new thing and it opens up a whole new world.” 

Joint Problem Solving Works with Teens
Four Steps for Joint Problem Solving
  1. Teen shares his or her issues and goals.
  2. Parent shares his or her issues and goals.
  3. If goals of teen and parent are far apart, brainstorm to find options.
  4. Teen and parent pick an option they can both live with and try it out for a short time.
Follow-Through
The teen motivators we have discussed so far, are fairly quick and easy. Follow-through is more complicated and requires more guidance on your part, but it is worth the effort because it is a surefire method that really helps teens keep their agreements. Follow-through is an excellent alternative to authoritarian methods or permissiveness. With follow-through, you can meet the needs of the situation while maintaining dignity and respect for all concerned. Follow-through is also a way to help teens learn the life skills they need in order to feel good about themselves while learning to be contributing members of society.
Follow-through is a respectful, four-step approach to parenting teens that teaches cooperation, life skills, and responsibility in spite of resistance. It works whether you are trying to move your teen away from the computer, join the family, or keep up responsibilities to themselves and the family. The key is that follow-through involves you, because you are the only one who does the follow-through. The result is that your teen also follows through, but rarely without your participation. Think of this as one of your main co-pilot duties.

The Four Steps for Effective Follow-Through
  1. Have a friendly discussion with your teen to gather information about what is happening regarding the problem. (Listen first and then share your thoughts.)
  2. Brainstorm solutions with your teen. (Use your humor and throw in some exaggerations.) Choose one that both you and your teen can agree to. Finding a solution you both like may take some negotiating, because your favorite solution may be different from your teen's favorite.
  3. Agree on a date and time deadline.
  4. Understand teens well enough to know that the deadline probably won’t be met and simply follow through on the agreement by kindly and firmly holding your teen accountable.
Before we provide examples of effective follow-through, it is important to understand the traps that defeat follow-through.

Four Traps That Defeat Follow-Through
  1. Believing that teens think the way you think and have the same priorities you have.
  2. Getting into judgments and criticism instead of sticking to the issue.
  3. Not getting agreements in advance that include a specific time deadline.
  4. Not maintaining dignity and respect for yourself and your teen
In our workshops, to help parents learn the art of follow-through and to show them that it really does work, we often ask for a volunteer to role-play a teen who has not kept an agreement to do a task, such as mowing the lawn. We then point to the Four Steps for Effective Follow-Through and ask the volunteer to pretend we have already gone through them as a parent and a teen. To set up the role-play, we ask the teen to sit in a chair and pretend he or she is playing a video game. The deadline has arrived, but the task is not done. We then role-play the adult who follows-through by using the following Four Hints for Effective Follow-Through.

Four Hints for Effective Follow-Through
  1. Keep comments simple, concise, and friendly. ("I notice you didn't do your task. Would you please do that now?")
  2. In response to objections, ask, "What was our agreement?"
  3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. (Point to your watch after every argument. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again.) It helps to understand the concept of "less is more." The less you say the more effective you will be. The more you say, the more ammunition you give your kids for an argument—which they will win every time.
  4. When your teen concedes (sometimes with great annoyance), say, "Thank you for keeping our agreement."
One thing we ask of the volunteer role-playing the teen is to be in the present moment. By this we mean the volunteer should respond to what is being done now rather than responding in ways that a teen would react to disrespectful methods. When the volunteer does this, it is amazing how quickly the "teen" comes to agreement (after a little resistance).

Kind and Firm Parenting Skills To Remember
  1. You can motivate your teens with encouragement which is very different from trying to get your teens to do what you want.
  2. Humor, collateral, let’s make a deal, and involvement are positive motivation tools.
  3. There is one surefire way to get your kids to keep their agreements, and it's called follow-through. It may be a lot of work for you in the beginning, but it will be worth every minute of the time you spend to train both you and your teen to use better habits.
  4. Read the four steps, the four traps, and the four hints for successful follow- through again and again, because they are very different from how you would normally respond as a parent—and as a human.
  5. You must be there at the first deadline to set up the follow-through. It won't work in the long run without you there in the beginning.
  6. If you whine or complain that using follow-through is too much work, track how much time you spend reminding and nagging your teen instead. Notice the effect that nagging has on you and on your teen. Keep a checklist of how often the task you are nagging about actually gets done. We call this a reality check.
  7. Follow-through will help you use fewer words and your kids will hear you better.
  8. Don't hesitate to prepare in advance and maybe even practice with a friend. You can always listen to the "Empowering Teenagers and Yourself in the Process" audiotapes for a live demonstration. It helps! (They can be found on our web site at www.positivediscipline.com )
  9. We do not recommend making contracts with your teens. If you need to write information down as a reminder for both of you, that is respectful and effective. Setting up a contract means you are treating your teenager like a client or an adversary. If you do sign a contract, don't be surprised by your teen's attitudes.

Monday, November 17, 2014

NOVEMBER 17 - 21

Helpful Hints For Empowering Vs. Enabling
An Excerpt from Positive Discipline for Teenagers
by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

A friend asked me if Positive Discipline was a program to teach parents to manage their children. I said, "No, it is a program to help parents empower their children to manage themselves."
You may be vividly aware of how skilled most of us are in using enabling responses to our children, and how unskilled we are in using empowering responses. Parents who are used to controlling and rescuing may have a difficult time seeing the benefit of empowering statements.

Before we introduce the empowering actions and statements, we’ll go over enabling actions and statements—just in case you aren’t familiar with them. Our definition of enabling is, "Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices." Enabling responses include:
  1. DOING TOO MUCH FOR THEM: Doing things for kids that they could do for themselves, bailing them out after bawling them out. “I can’t believe you have procrastinated again. What will ever become of you? Okay, I’ll do it this time, but next time you’ll just have to suffer the consequences.”
  2. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH: Buying everything they want, cell phones, cars, insurance, clothes you can’t afford, CDs, junk food. “I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework after I bought you a car, a cell phone, clothes I can’t afford, and gave you a big allowance.”
  3. BRIBING AND/OR REWARDING: “You can have a new CD, allowance, cell phone, if you do your homework.”
  4. OVERPROTECTING:  What to wear, when to wear coats so they won’t get cold as if they are too stupid to know or to learn, picking their friends, extreme fear of danger. “Honey, I’ve got the car warming up in the garage so you won’t be cold.  Did you see the clothes I picked out for you?  I’ll wait till you’re ready to go, cuz I’d like to drive you to school so you won’t catch a cold.” 
  5. HOVERING: Doing their laundry, waking them up in the morning, making their lunches, driving them places when they could walk or ride a bike, excusing them from helping the family because they have homework. “I just don’t understand. I excused you from chores, I woke you up early, I drove you everywhere so you would have more time, I made your lunches. How could this be?”
  6. LYING FOR THEM:  Excuses to the teacher, writing notes when they just slept in, I won’t tell Dad/Mom. “Okay, I’ll write a note to the teacher that you were sick this morning, but you’ll need to be sure and catch up.”
  7. PUNISHING/CONTROLLING: Grounding, taking away privileges, creating your agenda for them. “Well then, you are grounded and you lose all your privileges, no car, no TV, no friends, until it is done.” 
  8. WHAT AND HOW LECTURES:  Telling them what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel, and what they should do about it. “Well, no wonder. I saw you wasting your time on MySpace and spending too much time texting your friends and sleeping in. You should feel ashamed of yourself. You’d better shape up or you’ll be shipping out to live on the streets like a bum.”
  9. HOW, WHAT, AND WHY CAN’T YOU LECTURES: “How many times have I told you to get your homework done early? Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Why can’t you be more responsible? What will become of you?”
  10. BLAMING AND SHAMING: “How could you ever do such a thing, how come you always forget and never get your homework done, I can’t believe you would be so lazy.”
  11. LIVING IN DENIAL: Thinking your child could never do such a thing--being oblivious to the cultural mores regarding sex and drugs, and believing things are dangerous without educating yourself. “Well, honey. I’m sure you don’t really need to do homework. It is a stupid thing for teachers to expect. You are smart enough to do just fine without it.”
  12. RESCUING/FIXING: Buying new things to replace what your child loses, hiring lawyers, staying up late to help with (or doing) last minute homework. “I’ll hurry and do it for you while you get dressed and eat your breakfast. Sorry I won’t be able to fix your bacon, eggs, and waffles. I’m sure you’ll do your homework tomorrow.”
Our definition of empowering is, "Turning control over to young people as soon as possible so they have power over their own lives."  All of the following Empowering Responses are possibilities that can be used in response to neglected homework as well as other challenges you may be experiencing:
  1. SHOW FAITH: "I have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when it's important to you, you'll know what to do."
  2. RESPECT PRIVACY: "I respect your privacy and want you to know I'm available if you want to discuss this with me."
  3. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS: "I'm not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, I'll hand the phone to you or tell her she'll need to discuss it with you. "A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential.
  4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING OR JUDGING: "I would like to hear what this means for you."
  5. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: "I'm willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but I'm not willing to get involved at the last minute." "If you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance."
  6. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT:  “I’m available to help with homework between 7:00 and 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects.”
  7. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS: “I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 8:00.”
  8. LET GO OF THEIR ISSUES: "I hope you'll go to college, but I'm not sure it's important to you."
  9. AGREEMENT NOT RULES: "Could we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with?"
  10. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: "I love you just the way you are and respect you to choose what is right for you."
  11. ASK FOR HELP: "I need your help. Can you explain to me why it isn't important to you to do your homework?"
  12. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the "I feel ______ because _______  and I wish" process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. "I feel upset when you don't do your homework because I value education so much and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life and I really wish you would do it.
  13. JOINT PROBLEM SOLVING: "What is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?"
  14. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: "I'm feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Let's put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when I'm not so emotional."
  15. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: "I notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework." "I notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done."
  16. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that poor grade. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”
If you are used to using short-range solutions of control and rescuing, you might not realize how powerful these empowering statements are.  Empowering statements and actions are important because they turn control over to your kids so they have power over their own lives. This power often leads to mistakes and failure. When you understand and trust that learning from mistakes and failure is an important part of a successful life process, you may find it easier to use the empowering statements.  If what you are currently doing isn’t working, take a leap of faith and work on using empowering statements with your kids.


Monday, November 10, 2014

NOVEMBER 10 - 14

Four Steps For Winning Cooperation
An excerpt from 
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen
  1. Express understanding for the child’s feelings. Be sure to check with him to see if you are right.
  2. Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone. It simply means you understand the child’s perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
  3. Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done in a sincere and friendly manner, you will have created a connection and the child will be ready to listen to you.
  4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the problem. If he doesn’t, offer some suggestions. After making a list of several solutions, choose one that feels helpful to both of you.
An attitude of friendliness, caring, and respect are essential to these steps. Your decision to create a connection will be enough to create positive feelings in you. After the first two steps, the child will be won over, too. He will now be ready to hear you when you use the third step (even if you may have expressed your feelings many times before without being heard.) The fourth step —(invite the child to focus on a solution) is likely to be effective now that you have created an atmosphere of respect.

Mrs. Martinez shared the following experience where she first created distance and hostility and then used the four steps for wining cooperation to correct her mistake and create closeness and trust.

Her daughter, Linda, came home from school complaining that her teacher had yelled at her in front of the whole class. Mrs. Martinez put her hands on her hips and asked Linda in an accusing voice, "Well, what did you do?" Linda dropped her eyes and angrily replied, "I didn’t do anything." Mrs. Martinez said, "Oh, come on, teachers don’t yell at students for nothing. What did you do?"

Linda flopped on the couch with a sullen look on her face and just glared at her mother. Mrs. Martinez continued in her accusing tone, "Well, what are you going to do to solve this problem?" Linda belligerently replied, "Nothing."

At this point Mrs. Martinez remembered the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation. She took a deep breath, changed her attitude, and commented in a friendly tone of voice, "I’ll bet you felt embarrassed to have the teacher yell at you in front of the others." (Step 1. Express understanding.)

Linda looked up at her mother with suspicious interest. Mrs. Martinez then shared, "I can remember once in the fourth grade that happened to me just because I got up to sharpen my pencil during a math test. I was so embarrassed and angry that my teacher would yell at me in front of the whole class." (Step 2. Show empathy without condoning—and share a similar experience.)

Linda was interested now. "Really?" she said, "All I did was ask to borrow a pencil. I certainly didn’t think it was fair for my teacher to yell at me for that."

Mrs. Martinez said, "Well, I can certainly understand how you must have felt. Can you think of anything you might do to avoid that kind of embarrassing situation in the future?" (Step 4. Invite child to focus on a solution. Step 3 was not necessary in this case.) Linda responded, "I suppose I could be sure I had more than one pencil, so I would not have to borrow."

Mrs. Martinez said, "That sounds like an excellent idea."

One of Mrs. Martinez’s goals was to help Linda behave in ways that would not invite her teacher’s anger and disapproval. Notice that the first time she invited Linda to think about what she could do to solve the problem; Linda was feeling too hostile to cooperate. Once her mother used encouragement to create a connection (through the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation), Linda felt closeness and trust instead of distance and hostility,and was willing to think of a solution. When her mother was able to see things from Linda’s point of view, Linda no longer felt the need to be defensive.

Mrs. Jones also used the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation when she learned that her six-year-old son, Jeff, had been stealing. She found a quiet time when no one else was around and asked Jeff to come sit on her lap—a great way to create connection. She then told Jeff she had heard about him stealing a pack of gum from the store. (Notice she didn’t "set him up" by asking him if he had done something when she already knew he had.) Next she shared a time when she was in the fifth grade and had stolen an eraser from a store; she knew she shouldn’t have done it, and it made her feel very guilty, so she decided it wasn’t worth it. Jeff said defensively, "But the store has so much gum." Mrs. Jones then led Jeff in a discussion exploring how much gum and other merchandise the store owner had to sell in order to pay his rent, pay employees, pay for inventory, and earn enough money to live on. Jeff admitted he had never thought of that. They also discussed how they wouldn’t like to have others take their things. Jeff confided he did not want to steal things anymore, and that he would pay for the gum he had stolen. Mrs. Jones offered to go with him for moral support.

Mrs. Jones was able to create a connection and win Jeff over by not accusing, blaming, or lecturing. Jeff did not have to feel he was a bad person for what he had done, and he was willing to explore socially responsible reasons for not doing it again. Also, he was able to participate in a solution that, although embarrassing for him, would be a very valuable life lesson for future behavior. He was able to do this because his mother created a feeling of support rather than attack and defensiveness.

The Feeling Behind What You Do Or Say Is More Important Than What You Do Or Say

What we do is never as important as how we do it. The feeling and attitude behind what we do will determine the how. An adult can ask, "What did you learn from this?" with a tone of voice that is blaming and shaming or with a tone of voice that shows empathy and interest. An adult can create an atmosphere that invites closeness and trust, or an atmosphere that creates distance and hostility. It is amazing how many adults believe they can have a positive influence on children after creating distance and hostility instead of a connection of closeness and trust. (Do they really believe this—or are they simply reacting without thinking?)

The feeling behind words is often most evident in our tone of voice. Adding humiliation violates the basic concept of mutual respect. It also changes what could be a logical consequence into punishment, which won’t achieve positive long-term effects. If a child spills milk on the floor, the logical solution would be for her to clean it up. It remains a logical solution so long as the adult engages the child through kind but firm words, such as "Whoops, what do you need to do about that?" (Notice how much more engaging it is to ask the child what she needs to do instead of telling her what she needs to do. Asking instead of telling is one of the most effective Positive Discipline methods you will learn and is discussed in more detail in Chapter Six.

Telling invites resistance and rebellion. Respectfully involving children invites them to feel capable and to use their power in contributing ways. A request becomes a punishment when adults don’t use a tone of voice that is kind and respectful or adds humiliation, such as, "How can you be so clumsy? Clean that up right now, and let me pour the milk from now on since you can’t seem to get it right."

Adlerian psychology provides a set of basic concepts that offer a wealth of knowledge to help us increase our understanding of children and of ourselves, but it is so much more than just theory. The basic concepts are lost without attitudes of encouragement, understanding, and respect. If these attitudes are not understood, the techniques will be reduced to disrespectful manipulation. We will be more effective with children if we always ask ourselves, "Is what I am doing empowering or discouraging?" Have I taken the time to create a connection before attempting correction?