Discipline for Teens
Lifting up our teens
with affirmation, blameless love, and connectedness is critical for their
health. But like a table, a fourth leg is needed to keep things on an
equilibrium—the leg of parental guidance and enforced boundaries. If teens are
to stay safe and healthy, your love must be balanced by and actively
demonstrated through appropriate, loving discipline.
The
term discipline has several meanings, and the nuances are worth examining. The
dictionary’s first definition of the noun discipline is “training that develops
self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency.” Yet when most parents
hear the word discipline, they equate it with “punishment,” which is the fourth
meaning given by the dictionary.
Just
because your teens are nearing full physical maturation doesn’t mean your days
of parental discipline are over. Just the contrary. Teens still disobey, still
act untrustworthy, and still display woeful attitudes around the house on
occasion. Obviously, the old methods of discipline no longer work. You can’t
ask Johnny to stand in a corner or turn a rebellious teen over your knee for an
old-fashioned spanking. Those days are long gone, but good discipline is
absolutely necessary and helps teens learn to function in a highly healthy
fashion.
Maintaining
discipline will require occasional instances of punishment — and the more
creative, the better. Telling your teen he can’t see his friends ever again is
over the top, but a Friday night without TV or videos or computer games will
capture his attention. Extra chores around the house can send a message. And
don’t forget that teens who drive hate to lose the keys to the family car.
Right discipline defines protective boundaries and reminds your teen that there
will invariably be consequences for breaching those boundaries.
Discipline
your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them.
Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents.
(King Solomon — The Message)
Six Keys to Protecting Teens
through Discipline
Long
before I left my medical practice to work for Focus on the Family, I had read
every Dr. Dobson book on how to raise children and be a good parent. Dr. Dobson
articulated his classic principles so well I don’t think you have to go
anywhere else.
Barb
and I felt as though we were sitting at his feet whenever we read — and reread
— a chapter from Dare to
Discipline or The
Strong-Willed Child.
From
Dr. Dobson’s writings, we found six key principles, which I outlined in God’s Design for the Highly Healthy Child and
apply here to teens:
1.
Define the boundaries before they are enforced.
Teens have the right
to know what is and what is not acceptable behavior before they are held
responsible for breaking the rules. You can’t say “You have to be in by 11:00 p.m.”
and not tell your teens what the consequences are for being fifteen minutes
late, thirty minutes late, or one hour late. If you’re going to enforce curfew
by the minute, then say so. If you’re going to have a fifteen-minute grace
period before they’re officially late, then say so. Either way, let them know
in advance what the consequences are for breaking curfew.
2. Avoid making
impossible demands.
Sure,
all parents would love their kids to take AP courses, get high SAT scores, and
have 4.0 report cards. But few teens are capable of being whizzes in the
classroom. Even in this era of grade inflation, a straight-A report card is
still a rare event in school these days. By the same token, some dads want to
relive their glory days on the gridiron, so they place subtle pressure on their
sons to be All-League football players when in actuality they contribute to the
team in a backup role. Parents should set the bar, but it takes a thoughtful
parent to place the bar just high enough to push his or her teen to greater
heights without deflating the ego. Is your teen performing at a level that
makes sense for his or her gifts and abilities? If so,you’ve set the bar at the
right height.
3. Distinguish
between irresponsibility and willful defiance.
Teens
can act goofy sometimes or like little Machiavellians. There’s a difference
between irresponsibility, such as leaving the car windows down overnight when a
thunderstorm hits, and willful defiance, such as coming in after midnight when
he knew full well he should have been home an hour earlier. This is an area
where you can show grace — God’s grace — as you effectively discern what your
teen’s motives were for his or her acts of negligence or defiance.
4. When defiantly
challenged, respond with confident decisiveness.
Intuitively
you know the difference between irresponsibility and willful defiance, and when
your teen has thrown down the gauntlet, you must respond in kind. Dr. Dobson
suggests that when children “make it clear that they’re looking for a fight,
you would be wise not to disappoint them!”When nose-to-nose confrontations
happen, it’s extremely important to know ahead of time what you will do — and
then to respond confidently.
5. Reassure and
teach after the confrontation is over.
Remember
how you hugged your toddler after a spanking to let him know that everything
was going to be all right? You don’t spank teens, of course, but they still
need to hear your reassurance that you love them. You may need to remind them
of the ways they can avoid correction or punishment in the future. Teens never
outgrow their need for reassurance after times of discipline.
6. Let love be
your guide!
It
doesn’t do any good to get into a shouting match. Sure, your teens will do
things to make you angry, but you must keep your cool. During these few
remaining years they live under your roof, you have a powerful opportunity to
model adult ways of handling conflict, which will help them in the workplace
and in their relationships in the future.
Taken from: http://www.imom.com/discipline-for-teens/
