How Kids Learn
to Follow Directions:
13 Easy Ways to get Your Children to Listen -- and Mind
by Lisa Collier Cool, Working
Mother June 1996
When I opened the door of my
seven-year-old daughter’s room-20 minutes after I’d sent her upstairs to put on
her leotard and tights-Rosalie was sitting on the floor in her underwear,
happily playing with a Barbie doll. Though I tried to stay calm, my voice grew
sharp with annoyance as I asked, "What are you doing? I told you to get
ready for ballet!"
Few things are as frustrating
and as infuriating, as having our children ignore our instructions. But how do
we convince youngsters that it's important to follow directions—not just to
please us or avoid punishments, but to make their own lives easier as well?
(After all, a child's health and safety can depend on her ability to follow
orders. And kids function better in school, sports and other group activities
when they know how to carry out instructions.) Here's some expert guidance on
getting your kids to do as they're told.
What to avoid
The methods parents typically
use to get children to listen are often ineffective or actually encourage
noncompliance, according to a new study by Edward Christophersen, PhD,
professor of pediatrics at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri,
and author of Beyond
Discipline: Parenting That Lasts a Lifetime (Westport
Publishers). He and other experts advise steering clear of some common
mistakes.
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Don't say "don't." A negative instruction like
"Don't let me come home and find that you still haven't done your
homework!" is much more likely to be ignored than one that gives a
positive alternative, such as "Please get started on your homework right
after you eat your snack this afternoon." Emphasizing what your child is not to do has pitfalls, Chistophersen
says. Kids under age frequently misunderstand negate directions—particularly
if they are shouted—and may hear "Don't bring that wet dog into your
room" as a command to "Bring the wet dog into your room." Older
children may find that disregarding a "don't" can be more rewarding
than obeying it: They get your attention that way.
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Reasoning gets little or no
results. Explaining why
certain actions are undesirable—"If you leave your toys lying around,
you might trip over them and hurt yourself"—has no impact on children
under age six, Christophersen finds. Your words simply go in one ear and out
the other. "A young child doesn't relate to abstract future
consequences, so he's not likely to be motivated by a warning like this.
Since he isn't hurt right now, he doesn't feel there's anything to worry
about."
With an older child, a detailed list of reasons for every rule can spark a tedious debate or, at best, create short-lived compliance, he adds. You might get a 10-year-old to return a book to the library on time by explaining that if she doesn't, she'll have to pay the fine out of her allowance. However, she'll probably forget to return the next book she borrows because at this age, dipping into her piggy bank isn't nearly as painful as wasting precious playtime to walk to the library. |
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The more you nag, the less kids
listen. It's very easy
for parents to slip into the "nagging and shouting syndrome,"
observes psychotherapist James Windell, MA, author of Children Who Say No When You Want
Them to Say Yes (Macmillan
Books). "When a child doesn't respond the first time she's told to do
something, parents often repeat the request over and over until they finally
lose their temper and start shouting. The message you give your child when
you let her tune you out many times is that there's no need to pay attention
to you until you're screaming."
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Avoid empty ultimatums or threats. Making impulsive
threats when a child doesn't listen, such as "Do this right now, or I'm
going to ground you!" is another common mistake parents make, Windell
says. This can create a no-win situation, because kids resent being forced to
give in. As a result, they often get angry and end up focusing on that anger
instead of concentrating on what you asked them to do.
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Tactics to try
With a few minor changes in the
way you give directions, you can prevent communication problems as well as
create an atmosphere that encourages cooperation. These attention-getting
strategies will help you get your message through to your kids.
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Lay the right groundwork. The time to work
on better communication with your child isn't when you're already knee-deep
in conflict over something he's forgotten to do, but during the calm moments
of the day, says Susan K. Golant, co-author ofGetting Through to Your Kids (Lowell House). "Show your
child you're curious about what's going on with him, so he feels comfortable
discussing any problems that may be making him less attentive than usual. You
might want to set aside time each day to talk."
What if your child is too young for such discussions? "Play activities are a good way to elicit a preschooler's feelings," adds Golant. "If your four-year-old is being balky, you could use dolls or puppets to act out the situation. She'll probably laugh when she sees the 'child' puppet dawdling instead of getting dressed or eating dinner. Then you can ask her why the puppet is doing that. Also try giving her the 'Mommy' puppet, so you can see how she perceives your behavior toward her. You may get some unexpected insights into how you interact with each other." |
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Define your expectations. A key step to
having your child hear you is to decide exactly what you'd like him to do,
emphasizes Windell. "Many parents fail to tell their kids what they
expect of them—but get angry anyway when their child doesn't do a particular
task," he says. "Morn or Dad comes home from work, sees their kid has
left dirty dishes and food out in the kitchen, then greets him with an
outburst, such as 'What's wrong with you? Can't you even clean up your own
mess?' Since the child was never given clear instructions to do this, he'll
get angry about this unjust attack, and that leads to an unpleasant
confrontation."
A more productive approach would be to come up with a precise, positive guideline you want your child to follow. For instance, try saying "After your snack, I want you to put your dishes in the dishwasher and the food back in the fridge." |
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Get her undivided attention. Before telling
your child about an important rule or expectation, eliminate potential
distractions. If she's playing, ask her to put down her toys for a minute,
then move them out of her reach. Turn off the TV or radio, and sit down next
to her. Make sure she is facing you before you speak—you may need to gently
turn her shoulders toward you or touch her cheek to get her total attention.
Next, look her right in the eyes, and use her name: "Sally, I need you
to ask me before you go out into the yard."
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Let your child help make some of
the rules. Everyone, kids
and adults, wants to have a say in things that concern them. To help your
child feel that he's not always being bossed around, request feedback from
him if possible as you make a new rule or give him instructions to do
something. For example, a 10-year-old might be told, "I notice that
there are candy wrappers on your floor. What do you think would be a good
rule to help you remember to throw them away in the future?" Giving a
child a say gives him an impetus to follow the rule or direction—and he's
less likely to claim you're unfair.
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Give choices—not commands. Whenever
possible, let your kids decide how or when to follow your directions. With a
five-year-old, you might say, "You need to put away your crayons. Do you
want to do that now or in fifteen minutes?" Again, giving your child
some say in what procedures she's to follow can often prevent power struggles.
Be careful, however, not to use words implying that not doing the task is one of the options, notes Windell. "If you say, 'Would you mind taking the garbage out?' your youngster probably won't realize this is meant as a rhetorical question. She's likely to argue with you, because in her mind, the answer is yes, she would mind taking the garbage out and would rather have somebody else do it. If you want to offer her a choice, make it clear that what she gets to decide is when to do the job, notwhether to do it." |
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Make instructions easy to
understand. Many parents give
directions that are too broad and open to misinterpretation. Instead of just
telling your nine-year-old to clean out his closet, break the task down into
several steps, and stay with him until the job is completed. You might begin
by saying, "Put the dirty clothes in the hamper." Next, tell him,
"Put all the toys in this box." Then say, "Throw those
crumpled papers in your wastebasket."
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Ask your child to repeat your
request. Getting your
youngster to recite rules and instructions out loud can prevent tearful
protests of "I didn't know" or "I didn't understand"
later on. Ask young, easily distracted kids to repeat your directions
silently to themselves several times. Offer older kids a written checklist
or, better still, have them write down the information themselves.
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Create positive and negative
consequences. Offering a reward
for following your directions, and a penalty for disregarding them, has two
important advantages, Windell says. First, you'll provide motivation for your child to mind you when you
tell her that if she finishes her homework by six, she'll have time to watch
her favorite TV show. Then you'll reinforce the message by reminding her that
if she doesn't, the TV will stay off all evening. "You'll also give your
kid the freedom to decide how she wants to behave, instead of giving her the
feeling she's being forced to do what you say," observes Windell.
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Acknowledge good behavior. Do you pay more attention to your kids
when they shout or ignore you than when they quietly follow directions?
"What most parents don't realize is that even so-called 'negative'
attention can reinforce disobedience unless you make an
effort to balance it by noticing and appreciating your kids when they're
being good," says Christophersen. "Give them a brief hug or a kind
word anytime you see they're doing something you approve of. You don't have to make a big
deal of it—a quick pat on the back now and then can do more to get your kids
to cooperate than an hour of reprimands." So stop scolding, and start
setting loving limits that make everybody feel good
about doing what you say, when you say it!
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