Parenting Responsibilities: 10 Things You Are (and Aren’t)
Responsible for as a Parent
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These days, we’re bombarded with mixed messages about how to
parent “the right way.” It’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives,
and other parents and start to worry that we’re doing something wrong. Part of
the reason this is happening is because adults, just like kids, are
over-stimulated. We’re more wired and connected, which means we’re receiving
more outside input than ever before. We have easy access to advice (good and
bad) on the web, to information about how other parents are doing things, and
to each other through social networking sites. This means we’re also more
actively comparing ourselves to others—and getting more judgment and criticism
from others as a result. We’re on an informational and
emotional overload, which is causing many, many parents to feel
overwhelmed and confused.
Your
children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is just no logical
way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child
says, especially outside of your home.
On our Parental
Support Line, my advice to callers was to trust your instincts as a
parent—you know your child best, and in the end you’re the one making the
decisions about your child’s future. In the Total
Transformation Program, James Lehman says you have to run your
family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your “family
business” and as CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent
as objectively as possible. Forget how guilty you feel, forget that echo of
your sister’s advice in the back of your head—you need to do what is best for your business. You can ask for
advice, but in the end, you know your family best.
One of the most important ways
to clear through all the clutter of advice, guilt and comparisons to others is
to understand what you are and aren’t responsible for when it comes to raising
your child.
What you
are not responsible
for:
1.
Making sure your
kids are always happy. Don’t get me wrong—it’s good for your kids to be happy
overall. But that means there will be plenty of times, especially when you’re
parenting responsibly, that your kids will be furious with you when you set
limits or give them a consequence. That’s part of your job description as the
executive officer—not to make decisions based on what your kids will like,
tolerate, or be okay with, but to make the decisions that are best for them and
your family business, then follow through.
2.
Getting the
approval of others. Rationally, you do not need other adults in your life to
tell you that you are doing the right thing. Parenting is not a popularity
contest in your family or in your community. Sure, it feels great when other
adults, such as your child’s teachers, tell you your child is doing something
well, but it’s not necessary in order for you to run your family business well.
3.
Controlling your
children. Your children are not puppets and you are not a
puppeteer. There is just no logical way that you can control every move your
child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home.
Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in
self-interest. It’s important to remind yourself that if your child
is not doing her homework, for example, despite your best efforts to
motivate her and hold her accountable, that’s her problem and the poor grade she earns
is hers alone. The consequence she will get from you is that you will make sure
she sets aside time every evening to study, you will be in touch with her
teachers more, and you will monitor her homework more thoroughly until she
brings her grade up. We can’t control our kids, but we can influence them by
the limits we set and the consequences we give. As James Lehman says, “You can
lead a horse to water, and you can’t make them drink—but you can make them
thirsty.”
4. Doing for your
children what they are capable of doing for themselves. Many, many
times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are
capable of doing on their own. Your grade schooler might not make his bed
perfectly the first time, but practice (and doing it imperfectly several
times) is what he needs in order to get to the point where he can do it on
his own. I’m not saying to stop preparing breakfast for your child once she’s
old enough to pour her own cereal, or to never do anything to help your kids
out in a pinch. What I am saying is to let
your kids struggle sometimes and
try your best to balance the responsibility. Typing a child’s paper for him
because you type faster and it’s getting close to bedtime is not striking a
balance.
5.
You do not have
to be Superman, Wonder Woman, Mike Brady, or June Cleaver. These are all
fictional characters that seem to do it all and do it perfectly, right? You’re
not one of them, nor should you strive to be. Rather than focusing on
addressing every behavior issue or adhering to a perfect schedule each day, try
to hit the important targets and realize that you might have to let some
smaller things go each day. We call this picking your battles.
What you
are responsible for:
1. Making tough decisions that are not popular ones. If your child doesn’t get mad at you
at least once in a while, you’re not doing your job. Along with this, remember
that you are not required to give lengthy explanations of your decisions. “It’s
not safe” can be plenty of explanation when your teen asks why he can’t jump
off the roof and onto the trampoline. “It’s your responsibility” is enough
justification for telling your child it’s homework time. You don’t need to get
into all the possible “what-ifs” and “if-thens.”
2. Teaching your child to function independently. One of the effective parenting roles
we talk about frequently on EP is the Trainer/Coach
role. It is your job to teach your child age-appropriate skills in
order to allow them to become more and more independent. There comes a time
when your child needs to learn how to emotionally soothe himself, tie his
shoes, write his name, and cope when someone teases him. Over time the skills
he needs get more and more advanced—typing a paper, saying no to drugs, driving
a car, and filling out a job application, for example.
3. Holding them accountable. At the very least, this means setting
some limits with your children when they are behaving inappropriately. For
example, when your child is putting off their homework you might turn off the
TV and say, “Watching TV isn’t getting your homework done. Once your homework
is done you can turn the TV back on.” This could also be as simple as firmly
saying, “We don’t talk that way in this house” to your child and walking away.
Or, of course, it can also mean providing some effective consequences for
something like having missing homework assignments, such as weekend activities
being placed on hold until the work is completed.
4. Going along for
the ride. On the rollercoaster, that is. We all know but often
struggle to accept that life is full of ups and downs—and sometimes it gets
turned upside down. There will be times when your child is doing well and times
when he or she is really struggling. That is not a reflection on you, it just
is. Don’t blame yourself when this happens. Focus on finding positive ways to
cope, look for something new to try to help your child effectively, or get some
local support.
5. Do your best. That’s really all you can do sometimes. It’s a perpetual
balancing act—striving to find that balance between doing too much and doing
too little, or giving consequences that are not too harsh but not too soft,
either. Parenting can feel like a circus sometimes and there can be several
balancing acts going on at one time. That’s when you have to go back to picking
your battles and realizing you are not, nor will you ever be, June Cleaver or
Superman.
Above all else, remember that
your child is unique and you know him better than anyone else on the planet.
You will always get input, no matter how obvious or subtle, from the world
around you as to how you should parent your child. You, however, are the expert
on your child and get to make your own decisions about how to parent her in a
way that teaches her to be independent and accountable while also being loving
and respectful of your child and her needs. When you find yourself
personalizing, remember the tips here to help you be more objective and
remember what your role as a parent really is.
Taken from: parenting.org
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