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4 Things You Should Never Say to Your Teen
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Every parent gets mad and says things in the heat of
the moment that they regret—nobody’s perfect, and there is no such
thing as a perfect parent. At one time or another, most parents also
report feeling like their teen is not listening to them. You wonder why
what you’re saying doesn’t seem to have any effect—it goes “in one
ear and out the other,” and meanwhile, your child’s behavior
doesn’t improve.
When your child repeatedly ignores you, defies you or fights with
you over everything, you might even wonder if you’re doing things right, and if
somehow you’re failing at parenting.
"Focus on the behavior, not the person."
But as James Lehman said, “I don’t like to think about parenting
in terms of ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ It’s more helpful to talk about effective parenting versus ineffective parenting." The good
news is that parents can always learn how to be more effective.
In all of our articles in Empowering
Parents, and in our parenting programs and on the Parental Support line, we
operate on that same “effective parenting” principle. If you’re sitting there
thinking, “My kids don’t really seem to listen to me; they just tune me out,”
or if you’re even wondering if your parenting style is working very well at
all, start by asking yourself, “Is what I’m doing with my family effective? Is
the way I communicate working? And am I getting the results I want with my
kids?”
I also want to stress that if you recognize yourself in any of the
following scenarios, don’t worry. It’s never too late to change, and to start
finding more effective ways to help your family learn and grow.
1. “If you keep this up,
you’re never getting your license!”
This one can feel a little tricky. You know your child wants their
license (or some other big ticket item). You also really need them to comply
with the rules, or follow through on their responsibilities. The thing is, your
teen doesn’t seem to care about those things, so you counter with the biggest,
most powerful, most highly-desired reward – or threat –you can muster.
Here's where this can be ineffective, however:
·
Threatening a consequence in the heat of the moment is never an
effective strategy; it only serves to escalate conflict.
·
An angry threat shows that you’re losing your own temper. Of
course you are – parenting is hard. However, it’s important that you stay
focused on the task at hand, and take a break if you’re getting so frustrated
it’s hard to keep your cool. Role modeling calm behavior for your child is so
important; as the saying goes, kids learn more from your actions than they
do from your words. If you're feeling on the edge, tell your child, "I
need some time to think about this. Let's talk again when we're both calm."
·
Remember: in order to truly change behavior, your consequences
need to be attached to that specific behavior. This means breaking things down
into clear, manageable goals, matching your consequence or privilege to one
behavior, and giving your child a chance to succeed every day.
Bottom line: Withholding a
big ticket item is not effective – especially if the goal is far off. Plus,
threats don’t teach your child problem-solving skills.
2. “I forbid you to do
that!”
I understand the impulse here – you’re afraid your child is going
to get hurt, possibly in some big way that you can’t fix. And your fear causes
you to forbid them from doing whatever that thing is: go to the party, date
that person, attend the dance. The thing is, forbidding your child from doing
something is not effective. There are two things at play here. First, saying “I
forbid you!” does not create compliance. It doesn’t create compliance, it
creates secretive, subversive behavior, in which your child tries to get away
with what they want, regardless of your wishes. Secondly, it robs you of an
opportunity to help your child learn and grow.
So what can you do instead? Address your real concerns by saying
something like: “I’m not sure this party is a safe situation for you. Here’s
what I need to see from you before we can discuss whether or not you can go.
You need to let me know the names of the parents who will be there and who will
be responsible. You also need to get all your homework done and come in on
curfew every night this week.”
Can you see how that might give you a different outcome? You
haven’t given permission. You haven’t let your child go ahead and do something
you don’t like. If you decide you might take a chance and let your child attend
the party, (and that’s not a given), you’ve created an opportunity to help him
or her practice compliance – and demonstrate it to you – in order for you
to feel more confident in their ability to navigate risks safely.
Bottom line: “Forbidding” an activity actually increases the chances
your child will take unsafe risks. It’s often more effective to use the
opportunity to help them learn and grow.
3. “No one else will like
you if you do that!”
It’s an easy thing to say, isn’t it? You know your child wants to fit in.
You know your
child wants people to like them. You might even be honestly afraid your child
won’t be liked if they’re bossy or argumentative, or if they dye their hair
that color! But here’s the thing: as James Lehman tells us, “You can’t shame a child
into better behavior.” It just doesn’t work—for anyone. This is because shame
is about feelings of humiliation and worthlessness, and is likely to cause your
child to withdraw in embarrassment.
James and Janet Lehman stress that this isn’t about what’s right
or what’s wrong, it’s about what’s effective. And the
truth is, shaming is not an effective way to help someone change their
behavior.
Bottom line: You can’t shame your child into better behavior.
4. “You little
$%^&##@!!!”
Swearing, name-calling, or attacks on your child’s personality are
not effective techniques when dealing with your child’s behavior. It’s nearly
impossible to encourage responsible behavior in your child if you aren’t
willing to model it yourself. If you’re having a hard time controlling your own
emotions, walk away and disconnect. Get support. Good parents aren’t
necessarily born – we’re all a work in progress.
And remember, anything that targets your child personally is ineffective.
Focus on the behavior, not the person. You can be loving and accepting AND
be firm in your rules and expectations. Just because you’re being loving
and accepting does not mean you let your kid slide on behaviors.
And getting them to improve their behavior does not happen by attacking
them personally or by calling them names. Instead, focus on the behavior,
not the character of your child—and be sure to catch them being good
whenever you can.
Bottom line: Effective
parenting is calm, clear, and focused on the issue at hand.
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