Rudeness and Disrespect: How Kids Try to "Defuse" It
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“I was just kidding! Can’t you take a joke?” If your child gives
you this excuse after he’s said or done something rude, it might leave you
feeling frustrated and unsure of how to handle the situation. Later, you might
question yourself when he says, “But I didn’t mean it that way.” In this
article, James Lehman explains why disrespect and inappropriate behavior are
really nothing to laugh at—no matter what the excuse.
“But
here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter to you why he does
it. That’s like saying, 'He lies because he’s afraid.' That doesn’t matter;
it’s an excuse.”
We all know that a sense of humor is vital. Kids learn humor from
their parents, their peers, their teachers, and from T.V. They absorb it and
take it all in and then they experiment. One of the things with which they
experiment is how they talk to their parents. When they’re feeling hostile,
lonely, depressed, or upset, one of the things they try to do is give a smart
answer or sarcastic joke. There’s so much of this type of behavior on T.V. One
guy says something and the other guy gives a rude response. It’s very much a
part of our culture. Kids learn to mimic that kind of communication from an
early age because they think it’s cool.
Kids also have peers around them using sarcastic and mean
language. They pick up on that because they’re afraid that they’re going to be
the next target. Often, children manage by using that humor themselves. It’s
similar to a child who’s afraid of being bullied—so he
becomes a bully himself. Much of this reaction and attitude is fear-based. I
personally think it’s good for parents to adopt a philosophy of, “This is our
home and this is the way we talk to each other. I don’t care what your friends
said at school. I don’t care what your brother said in the parking lot. I’m
telling you, in this home, this is how we talk to each other.” Lay that out for
your kids so they understand that there’s an “inside” and an “outside.” Kids
often don’t really comprehend the concept of there being an inside, which is
your home, and an outside, which is the world. I think you can explain this to
your child by saying, “When you’re inside, you have to follow certain rules and
expectations. That’s your responsibility. If not, there will be consequences.
If you’re outside, and you get yourself into trouble, then we’ll deal with that
when the time comes. But at home, this is the way you need to act.”
How to Respond to: “I Was
Just Kidding!”
When your child responds to your reprimand or someone being upset with “I was just kidding,” I think you should say, “What you’re saying is hurtful. I need you to stop.” If he doesn’t stop, give him a consequence. I think an effective one is to take away two hours of phone or computer time (or whatever it is your child values) and build up from there. You can set it up by saying, “If you’re able to talk in a nice way to people for the next two hours, you get your phone back.”
If your child lies and then says, “I was kidding,” you can say, “Well, you’re going
to get consequences for that lie. Don’t kid about the truth.”
Young Kids:
When your child is young, up until the age of six or so, you can just correct them when they’re joking in an inappropriate way. The kind of thing you would say to a young child is, “We don’t joke by saying hurtful things. And that was hurtful.” If your child says it again, you should go ahead and give him a consequence. If your younger child uses a curse word, I also teach parents to say, “That’s a hurtful word. Don’t say it.” That way, you’re setting those limits and training him from an early age.
Adolescents:
When kids are in early adolescence, they may develop a much more challenging way of talking to you. At that age, they’re testing adult authority and they’re pushing limits. One of the ways they push the limits is through speech. Simply put, they want to see what they can get away with. I think parents have to be very, very responsive to that. If you let your child get away with a hurtful remark once, even if they’re “joking,” watch out—it’s much harder to deal with once they turn it into a habit.
I think if your child says something inappropriate and then he
says he’s only kidding, you have to make it clear that it’s not going to fly.
You can say, “We don’t kid that way. If you say hurtful things when you’re
kidding, you’re going to be held responsible for them. There’s no excuse for verbal abuse.”
If you’re not sure if what your child is saying is hurtful, I
think you should ask him point blank, “What did you just say?” Speak very
seriously, so your child knows you’re listening. If his comment is not way
off-color or hurtful, you can say, “Oh, all right, that is funny.” But if
it is, I think you should say, “Listen, that’s a hurtful thing to say and it’s
not funny. You know what we said about joking in a mean way.” And then give him
a consequence.
Is this kind of behavior part of adolescence? Absolutely. So
is calling a parent by their first name instead of “Mom” and “Dad.” These
are all ways your child tests you and challenges your
authority. Personally, I think it’s important to be called “Mom” and “Dad”
because that’s your role as a parent. Think of it this way: your child doesn’t
know how to relate to Tommy and Betty—he knows how to relate to Mom and Dad.
Your title as a parent gives you authority and status. Kids will often try to
test the limits by taking away your title, but I think it’s a mistake to go
along with that.
“Joking” with Siblings and
Others
What if your child hurts siblings’ or other people’s feelings and
uses the “I was only joking” excuse? If you overhear your child being hurtful
to a sibling or friend, don’t jump in right away unless it’s abusive. Try to
see what the conversation is about—find out if the other child is doing the
same thing. If the other child is using the same kind of language and tone, I
think you have to leave it alone. Later on, you can comment and say, “I heard
you and Max playing earlier today and I don’t think the things you were saying
were very nice.”
If you find the hurtful joking is a one-way street, with one child
being mean or rude and the other taking it, then you should intervene. I think
you can pull your child aside, correct him and then say, “What can you say
differently instead of saying this?” Hopefully he’ll think of something.
If he can’t, suggest something to him. This is so important because it’s
exactly what we want—we want our kids to be appropriate the next time they feel
that way.
“You Take Everything Too
Seriously!”
When you start to crack down on the mean joking in your household, many kids will say something like, “We can’t have fun around here anymore because you take everything too seriously.” I think you should say, “You’re right, I take hurtfulness very seriously. I take disrespect very seriously—and they’re no joking matter.” I think you can continue with, “On the other hand, I’ve heard you come up with jokes that aren’t disrespectful or hurtful, too. I think they’re really funny. Those are the kind of jokes that I accept. But the other ones are hurtful and I really don’t see their place in our family.”
Talk to Your Child about
the Difference between Joking and Hurtful Language
I think it’s a good idea to talk to your child about the difference between joking and being hurtful—especially if you’re going to start calling them out on their language. Call them into the room and say, “That was a hurtful way to say what you said, and I don’t like it. Can you think of a different way to say it?”
Also, catch your child when they’re being good. If they make a
funny joke, say, “See, that was really funny and appropriate. I really
appreciate that.” Whenever you can, catch your child being good.
If you have a child who’s gotten a lot of attention and laughs for
being smart alecky and wisecracking in a hurtful way and you want to put a stop
to it, I also think you need to talk to them about what they’re doing. Sit down
with your child when things are going well—not when there’s a crisis or when
he’s angry. If your child is sitting in the living room, sit down next to him.
I would tell him that you’ve decided that you find certain things offensive and
you want to talk to him about it. And then you say, “The jokes that you make,
even though you say you’re only kidding, are really hurtful. And as of today,
you have to stop being hurtful and sarcastic to others. If you don’t, you’re
going to be held responsible for that.” Give your child room to discuss what
you’ve just told him by saying, “Do you have any questions? Would you like an
example? Do you understand what I mean?” Give examples. Write some things
down ahead of time.
I recommend that whenever you talk with your child, write down
what you want to say on an index card in simple sentences so you don’t get
distracted. If he’s resistant or explosive, you can say, “All right, well you
have no video game privileges until you’re ready to talk about this.” Use the
“Stop the Show” technique that I explain in the Total Transformation Program.
Don’t give your child an audience for his outburst—just give him a consequence
and leave the room.
I know some parents have children with
behavioral or social problems who have
learned to use humor to deflect or compensate for their lack of social or
problem-solving skills. I’ve met many kids like that, and I was that kind of
child myself. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter to you why he does it. That’s like
saying, “He steals because he doesn’t have anything.” Or, “He lies because he’s
afraid.” That doesn’t matter; it’s an excuse. Instead, we stop the behavior. We
challenge it, we teach our kids other things, and we eliminate it— with no
excuses.
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