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Demanding
Children and Teens: Is Entitlement Just a Stage?
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Your 10-year-old son begs you to buy him the newest video game. He
cries, “All my friends have it. Why can’t you be like all the other parents?
They buy their kids the stuff they want!” Or, your 16-year-old daughter is
annoyed that she has to drive the old beat up Chevy to school. “I don’t want to
be seen in this piece of junk! Have you seen what kind of cars the other kids
drive!?”
If you’re like most parents, your pulse probably rises as you
listen to your kids’ demands and witness their attitudes of entitlement. You
might even be wondering what went wrong. It's easy to get down on
yourself and think, “How did I raise a child who is so self involved?
Where did she get the idea that I am on this earth to just serve her
needs?!"
The truth is, self-absorption is not easy to live
with. Children, particularly teens, deeply believe that they are entitled
to the things they want and need – and that you should provide it
for them on demand. They rarely recognize that their insistence that they get
what they want and their entitled ways impact others. And let's face
it, teens and tweens can sometimes be arrogant with their
belief that they are special. Many act defiant, demanding and down-right rude
if they don't get their way. They will plead, threaten, manipulate
and can drive you crazy with the relentlessness of their demands and their
righteous belief that they deserve whatever it is that they want.
Don’t panic. You are not to
blame.
Believe it or not, your child is not the only one. His or her
sense of entitlement is actually a normal and necessary stage of
development on their journey toward adulthood. Your job as a parent will be to
steer them out of their self-centeredness and toward self control.
Understand that kids do not yet have the power or resources to
influence their world, but they believe that getting their desires satisfied is
crucial to their survival. Their sense of entitlement helps them “survive” by
going after what they think they need. Your child’s job is to demand
things and communicate the urgency in obtaining them. There's even
something to admire about the passion that your child expresses. Your task
is to guide them and help them to find balance between their desires
and their self restraint – not an easy thing for us or for them! As
frustrating and annoying as it is to live
with your adolescent's self absorption, knowing that it's a
normal part of their development will make it easier for you to deal with their
urgent demands and attitudes without your strong feelings of anger, fear or
guilt.
Oops, I Did It Again...
Don't beat yourself up if you give in to your child's demands.
Sometimes we are simply worn down by them and we say "okay."
Sometimes we say yes because we feel badly for them, or because we feel guilty.
Sometimes we give in for reasons we don't even understand in the moment. It's a
good idea, therefore, to keep an eye on your own tendencies and behaviors
so that you don’t inadvertently contribute to your child's sense
of entitlement.
Ask yourself these questions to help you observe your tendencies
and habits:
·
Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” to what you want to say
“no” to? Do you say yes because you want your child to like you, or
do you want to avoid conflict?
·
Do you ever find yourself living through your kids? Perhaps you
buy your daughter that expensive dress because she looks so good or get her the
expensive stuff that you wished you had. But do you then label her
spoiled?
·
Do you put too few demands on your kids – is your hidden
message that school work, doing well, achieving, being on top trumps good
character?
Our own needs can slip in to our parenting if we don’t keep a
careful eye on ourselves. That's why it's important to continually do
our own self-inventory. At the same time, we need to help our kids
manage their desires and learn self-restraint, limits, manners and respect of
their own and others boundaries.
Here are some tips to help you guide them away from
self-centeredness while helping kids to maintain their passions in life.
1.
Listen first: Allow
your kids to express their desires and demands and try to just
listen. Calm your own inner voice down by remembering that they have a
right to their feelings. Don’t be threatened; these are just feelings.
Because your kids want something doesn't mean they have to have it.
Nor does it mean that they are ungrateful, lousy kids or that you have been
lousy parents. Instead of blurting out comments like, “You only think of
yourself, “ or “You know we don’t have the money, so why are you asking,” “You
are so spoiled." or “What’s wrong with you?” try comments more like :
“I understand how much you want that. I know it means a lot to you. We are willing to give you x dollars toward it – the rest you can either save up for take from your allowance.” Or, “I know that you really want this new video game. Perhaps we can get it for you on your birthday, but if you want it sooner, then maybe you can try to get an extra tutoring job or mow the lawn for Dad and make some extra money.” This way, you're putting the responsibility on the child rather than saying NO all the time or saying YES all the time.
“I understand how much you want that. I know it means a lot to you. We are willing to give you x dollars toward it – the rest you can either save up for take from your allowance.” Or, “I know that you really want this new video game. Perhaps we can get it for you on your birthday, but if you want it sooner, then maybe you can try to get an extra tutoring job or mow the lawn for Dad and make some extra money.” This way, you're putting the responsibility on the child rather than saying NO all the time or saying YES all the time.
2.
Don't let them think
they're the center of the universe: Notice if your
conversations are overly child-centered. “Do you need anything for your science
project? What would you like for dinner tonight?” Try to balance these
conversations by including yourself more. “I had a long day at
work and I'm looking forward to some relaxation time tonight; what’s on
your agenda this evening?” Try to not make your child the center of
the universe – they are not. Don’t make them believe your purpose on earth is
to provide for them by jumping quickly to their every request.
3.
Remember to teach your kids
to think about you and others: Teach them to always ask
if others would like something if they're getting up from the table.
Ask them for help when you have a dinner party or a project to
complete. Expect them to do jobs and chores around the house. Remind
them to say thank you. Make sure they call their grandparent to see how he is
doing or if there is anything he needs. Teach them to ask about your day. Make
sure they do something to help out in their school or community. Show them
they're not the only ones that matter. Respect yourself so that they learn to
respect you.
4.
Don't over-empathize with
pleading: Every child and particularly teens want, want, want. Remember
to not over-empathize with their pleading, begging and crying. Empathize but
don’t over-empathize, because if you do, you might automatically give in to
their every wish. The danger of indulging them is that you risk resenting them
– they, then are at risk of being resented, undermined, ungrateful and
unsatisfied.
5.
Talk about advertising and
media messages: Living in a society that prizes material things
above all else is a force we must counteract. Watch TV together or look
through magazines and discuss ways advertisers attempt to manipulate. Enforce
the old fashioned values of success and perseverance, which come from
developing a good character versus success that comes from being the best or
having the most. Make sure you to live by these values, as well.
Defiant Kids Who Threaten
and Misbehave to Get What They Want
When it comes to more defiant kids, the same applies: you just
have to hold on stronger and not let the intimidating, threatening behavior
cause you to give in to the "gimmes." Let's say your child is being
rude, disrespectful, aggressive or defiant when he does not get what he wants.
His birthday or Christmas is coming up, and you are probably tempted to
withhold his gifts since he’s been treating everyone in the family poorly. This
is understandable, but it’s not be the most effective way to handle things in
the long term.
Instead, hold him accountable to better behavior. Deal with
the unacceptable way he is taking out his frustration on everyone when he’s not
getting what he wants. Let him know it’s unacceptable to act out that way and
hand him consequences when you are both calm. Perhaps he loses cell phone
privileges for a short time until you see better behavior. Perhaps he loses his
social privileges and stays home so you can have a problem-solving conversation
with him about better ways to handle his emotions. No matter what, make sure
you teach your child successful ways to manage himself when he’s faced with
disappointments and limits.
If your defiant child uses threats to get what he wants, be sure
to not let this behavior work. Stay in charge of yourself and don't be
controlled by the intimidation. If he’s a young child, remove him from the
situation if he’s ruining your holiday or yelling in public. If he's an older
child, ask him to leave the house if he is acting out during holiday
festivities. He will need to pay for any damages if he destroys property. If he
refuses, you can take the money he owes for the damaged property and deduct
from a holiday gift. (Let him know ahead of time if this is what you have
in mind.)
Children need to be “all about themselves” in order to
successfully separate from us and create their own identity. Their need to
believe that they are important and amazing is not a bad thing as long as
it has its limits. Remember this is a stage of development. No need to
"futurize," and worry that they'll never change. Being an
understanding parent and setting firm boundaries will help assure that
your child will blossom into an adult who likes herself, and knows how to
get her needs met in the world while thinking, caring and giving to others.
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