The
3 Types of Parents Who Get Bullied By Their Own Children
...
and some expert advice on stopping the cycle.
Parents
often make excuses for their children’s outrageous behavior, whether it's a
preschooler’s tantrum or a teen’s sullen refusal to do what he or she has been
asked. Children who become unmanageable or verbally abusive to their
parents are, in fact, bullies,
although most parents don’t think of these behaviors in that way.
Maybe
they should.
Sean
Grover,
a New York psychotherapist, mustered the courage to call such children exactly
what they are—bullies—and figured out
how frustrated parents can take charge again and restore positive parent-child
relationships.
Here's
what he had to say:
Sean,
you have worked with children and parents for more than 20 years. What prompted
you to write, When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling
Bully—and Enjoy Being a Parent Again?
Grover: Years ago, when I started to feel I was being
bullied by my own child, I read every parenting book I could get my hands on. I found a lot of
generic advice that doesn’t fit all parents or quick solutions that didn't
last.
I
realized that parenting books rarely address a parent's unique history,
culture, and parenting style. When I stopped trying to fix or change my child,
and explored my own role in fostering her bullying behaviors, I found the answers I needed. Her
behaviors were a direct consequence of my own insecurities.
The
greatest impact on how we parent is our personal history. It amazed me how few
parenting books took that into account. Obviously, I can't provide therapy to all the parents who are being bullied by
kids. So in the book, I use worksheets, journaling, and
insight-oriented exercises to help parents understand their history and
discover how it affects their parenting choices.
When
we think of bullying, most of us couple the word with “school.” We worry about
our children being bullied in a school setting. How does a parent recognize
that they have a bully in the house?
Grover: The collision course between parents and children is
nothing new. All children go through test periods. Parents are always in
the position of making unpopular decisions and saying no to things kids
want to do.
When
a child tests a parent's authority and the parent sets a limit, the child
learns to control himself. Setting limits and boundaries is essential to a
child's healthy emotional development. When those limits and boundaries aren't
set clearly, you'll soon find yourself at a tipping point for bullying.
Testing
can be described as nagging and pestering. Bullying, on the other hand, is
aggressive, hostile, and mean. It involves verbal assaults, physical
aggression, putdowns, and unrelenting abuse. And it feels terrible.
The
bullies in the schoolyard are no different from the child bullying her parent
at home: Both will stop at nothing to get what they want. They lack empathy and are trapped in their own narcissism. They will
threaten, blackmail, and terrorize you until you give in. Until they are taught
limits and boundaries, the parent-child relationship is doomed.
The
question most parents ask when their child of any age rebels or become
difficult is: What happened to my sweet, affectionate,
obedient child? How does pushing the limits and seeking
independence cross the line to bullying?
Grover: Never let your kid disrespect you. Never let your
kid talk down to you. Establish a culture of mutual respect in your family.
Help your kid to express frustration constructively. Children have more
feelings than words, so they need strong leadership from their parents to learn how to express
themselves in words effectively and use frustration as fuel for
personal growth.
A
little bit of defiance is expected in children. It's how they learn to be assertive and establish a solid sense of self and identity. You don't want
your kid being too cooperative or too accommodating. He or she will become a
pushover or a target for bullies, and is more likely to suffer from anxiety or depression.
What
immediate steps can a parent take when immersed in a standoff with their child?
Grover: Bullying
is a symptom of an unbalanced inner life. When your kids act up, ask yourself:
What's really going on here? Are they tired? Are they hungry? Are they
frightened? Perhaps they are having social difficulties at school or suffering
from undiagnosed learning problems that create much psychic tension and
devastate self-esteem. Try to locate the source of their
anxiety, then address it directly.
In
heated moments, don't become reactive. Hit the pause button. Maintain your
leadership and never bully back. If you bully back you are
establishing a bullying culture in your family.
When
to comes to raising children, modeling is king. I've heard it said that
children absorb 10% of what you say and 90% of what you do. If
you're losing your patience, yelling, and threatening, you're going to
eventually be on the receiving end of that behavior from your kids. You
may not see it when they are young, but as they get bigger and feel more
powerful, it will resurface with a vengeance.
Why
do parents give in to bullying from a child?
Grover: The
true cause springs from parents' own histories—how they were parented,
their childhood experiences, and the modeling that
their parents provided. These are the true causes. Were they bullied as
children by their own parents? Did they grow up with an absent or neglectful
parent? Did they have a narcissistic parent? These are questions parents want
to explore.
I
also look at what's going on in parents' lives: Are they in an unhappy
relationship? Does their partner have a different parenting style? Are they
suffering parent burnout? It's hard to parent well under those
conditions.
Self-care
and child care go hand in hand. Often the best way to turn a bullying
situation around at home begins with taking better care of yourself.
Three
parenting styles are most likely to trigger bullying in children.
The
guilty parent. Something
has gone wrong—a divorce, an illness, a financial hardship—and
now the parent feels guilty. To ease their guilt they give their kids too much freedom
and not enough limits. This always backfires.
The
anxious parent. This
is a parent who is always worrying and expressing anxiety. Children experience
a parent’s anxiety as, "I don't believe in you," “I don't trust
you," or "you're not a capable person," and this triggers a lot
of anger and resentment toward the parent.
The
fix-everything parent. These parents can't stand to see their
children frustrated and constantly step in and solve problems for them. Such
parents have good intentions and are often heroic, but the outcome is
horrendous. The child remains dependent on the parents and
unconsciously resents them for it. They are never satisfied. In fact, the
more you give them, the less they appreciate you. Children have a natural drive
for independence that needs to be encouraged. The fix-everything parent
discourages it and therefore dwarfs the emotional development of their own
child. Children of fix-everything parents have a tendency to age but not
mature.
In
your book you provide a training ground for new skills and a road back to
sanity for parents bullied by their kids. What can parents do to counter
the bullying and reverse patterns that may already be set?
Grover: Parents
committed to working on themselves rarely fall victim to continued bullying. Mindfulness is not a word often associated
with parenting. Neither is self-mastery. But without either it's impossible to
have a healthy relationship with your child. Parenting will always be an
emotional and psychological workout.
After
exploring your personal history and exposing the fears and insecurities that
foster bullying in your child, make a concrete plan of action that begins with
assembling an anti-bullying support team. Too often, bullied parents are ashamed of the
situation. Breaking the silence and involving others for support is crucial.
Make
sure you and your partner are united. Conflicting parenting styles are
often at the heart of behavior problems at home.
Enlist
friends and family. Children respond positively to adults other than
their parents when these behaviors are confronted. Look for models and mentors
in adults that your children look up to.
Involve
school officials. Talk to guidance counselors and teachers. If your
kid is into sports, talk to the coach. Let them know you are
struggling and enlist their support.
Seek
professional help if the bullying continues. Look for
resources in your neighborhood that offer parents support or ask friends for a
referral.
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