10
Parenting Habits to Develop Before Your Child Becomes a Teen
I started parenting habits prior to the "dreaded teen
years" that I hope will carry my influence further and create a positive
relationship with my teens.
It was during my 13-year-old's
annual checkup that the doctor informed me that my parenting days are numbered.
"You no longer have the greatest influence over your teenager. In fact,
you come in fourth behind friends, teachers, and his doctor," he told me
glibly. While I mentally threw a tantrum over his blasé inditement on my role
as a parent, I considered whether I was willing to tuck my tail and move to the
back of the line.
Admittedly, as I've moved into
the role of parenting a teenager, the time that we spend together has been more
restricted. Of course, that limits my overall influence, but I'm completely
unwilling to watch from the back and hope for the best as my kids traverse
their most formative years. Fortunately, by a heap of dumb luck, I have built
some habits prior to the "dreaded teen years" that I hope will serve
to carry my influence just a bit further and create a positive relationship
with my teens.
1.
Eat dinner together.
So much of successful teen
parenting is about getting face time with them. So many other things vie for
their attention that parents have to be diligent about getting noticed. Setting a habit to have one meal
together every
day carves out a time for all of you to reconnect.
2.
Put away your phone at the table and when you drive.
I'll admit that this decision
was first driven by fear and guilt. In other words, I felt guilty for wanting
to surf Facebook while eating dinner, and I was fearful that if they saw me texting in the car, they would mimic that behavior.
Sometimes fear and guilt serve us well. This is a habit that has helped to set
a standard for how we interact with each other in the digital world. The times
at the table and in the car are the most concentrated conversation moments of
our day. I'm glad that we have all learned to put away the gadgets and use that
time to connect.
3.
Set aside time to talk about their day.
I'm sure you're starting to
notice a trend. When it comes to teens, the biggest challenge is grabbing their
attention. Before the busyness of high school hits, make sure you have a habit
of checking in with each other every day. Maybe it's through text or email, but
make it consistent. When your grown child calls you every Sunday, you'll thank
yourself for the effort.
4.
Make physical contact.
"Mother of Family
Therapy" psychotherapist Virginia Satir said that people "need four hugs a day
for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for
growth." Teenagers are definitely growing in so many ways, but they're not
often cuddly. As kids hit the preteen years, make an effort to find new ways to
keep the physical contact up. Maybe it's a quick scratch on the back or a
smoothing of the hair. It doesn't have to be prolonged, but it has to be
present.
5.
Interact with their technology.
Technology is constantly changing,
and consequently, blowing right past the parents of teenagers. It's almost
expected that parents will be in the dark about the
latest app. That is a dangerous place to be. By the time they hit the teen
years, kids should be used to you knowing about what's new in their tech world
and checking on how they're using it. While you're at it,put limits on
their technology use
and keep that up during the teen years.
6.
Spend time with their friends.
While it's said that you can't choose your kid's friends, you
can certainly know who they are. With such a high possibility of getting left
out of the loop, knowing who your kids are with and what they're doing is key.
Start this habit by being the parent with the best playdates, so your kids will
be used to having you around with their friends. And heed this warning sign: if
your kids are talking about people who you've never met and don't know anything
about, it's time to get acquainted.
7.
Understand their interests.
As soon as my kids start
talking about Creepers, TNT, or anything related to Minecraft, I
start wishing I had a dentist appointment to get me out of the conversation.
The things that interest my kids are often boring to me, but because it matters
to them, I pretend like it matters to me. Being willing to understand what
matters to them is a huge relationship builder that carries over into the teen
years.
8.
Find a hobby to share.
When my son turned 10, we
started running together and training for short races. It helped to burn off
his pre-teen hormones and jumpstart my 30-something metabolism, but it also
gave us another commonality and bonding point. Now, that he is a teenager, he
looks forward to our runs (mostly because he is faster than me), but also
because it's something special that defines our relationship.
9.
Tuck them into bed.
Conventional parenting wisdom
holds that the first three minutes after kids wake up and the last three
minutes before they go to bed are the best times to connect with them. The
magic behind bedtime conversations is simple: kids will do anything, even tell
you the details of their day, to stay up a little later. Prior to the teen
years, this is a great time to catch up with your kid, but it's a habit that
should definitely continue as they age. Turns out, teens are just as willing to
talk, and there's an even more serious reason why checking in at night should
be your habit. If kids are going to start making dangerous choices, the
evidence of those habits will be more obvious at night. We have checked in on
our kids at night to find that they've snuck their iPads to bed or they're
eating junk food after bedtime. More importantly, though, teens are so much
more likely to get in trouble, including sneaking out, when they feel like
their parents have gone "off-duty" for the night. Checking in reminds
them that you're always present.
10.
Let them fail (or succeed).
At the beginning of this
parenting gig, you were quite literally responsible for your child's survival.
Remember, the early years—what I like to call the "death watch"
period—when you got to the end of every day grateful that they hadn't ingested
bleach or fallen down the stairs? That kind of vigilance is a hard habit to
break. It's best for parents to start early to begin to train themselves to
give their kids space to try things on their own. That way, when it's time to
let them go for good, you have enough practice to actually be able to do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment