WEEK OF OCTOBER 8 - 12

What Type of Parent Are You?

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.
-- MAD Magazine

If there were a rule book for parents that dictated exactly how to proceed during every phase of a child's development, raising emotionally healthy, well-adjusted and responsible kids would be a snap. There is no rule book, of course. Most of us (although we may be loath to admit it) are winging it when it comes to bringing up our children. Even the most conscientious parent struggles with how to best monitor, correct or guide a child's behavior.

During adolescence, a parent's personal struggles are arguably at their peak. Is it better to give your teen total freedom or to scrutinize her every move? Should you let him make his own decisions or tell him what to do? Is it wise to be an intractable authority figure or act like a buddy? You might be tempted to apply the same parenting method your own parents used on you when you were growing up, but that may be better suited to a simpler time than to twenty-first-century kids. The fact is there isn't just one "best way" to raise kids. Effective parenting varies as much as individual children - what worked for Kid No. 1 might blow right over Kid No. 2.

Research indicates, however, that parenting styles fall into three categories:

Permissive parents place few limits on their children's freedom. These parents are often afraid of losing their children's love if restrictions are imposed, so they fail to provide even basic guidelines. Permissive parents say they don't want to stifle their children's creativity, so rather than correcting inappropriate behavior these parents ignore it. They feel a "do your own thing" approach encourages children to discover for themselves the consequences of their actions.

The problem with permissive parenting is that children fail to learn about boundaries or limits. They lack respect for the rights of others and usually have difficulty adjusting when anyone outside the family (at school or work, for example) imposes rules on their behavior. And although permissive parents feel it's in their children's best interest to learn to grow and develop on their own, children raised in this style often think their parents are simply indifferent. Without clear limits, children get confused, feel insecure and can make poor choices.

Authoritarian parents place a high value on obedience. Their rules for their children are clear and unbending. Authoritarian parents expect children to obey without question, and misbehavior is punished. But although children raised by authoritarian parents may appear well behaved, they often become rebellious, usually as teenagers. Interestingly, because this parenting style has been followed by so many parents for so many generations, "teenage rebellion" is considered normal. Teenagers, however, do not have to rebel to become independent. Rebellion often results from strictly enforced rules and punishments.

Other problems can result from authoritarian parenting: Children may lack self-discipline because they have only learned to obey orders, not creatively solve their own problems. Unfortunately, these children may feel their parents' love is conditional upon their obeying the rules. They lack a sense of security and self-confidence. And children raised to follow the directions of an "authority" may also easily follow undesirable peers.

Democratic/mentoring parents establish basic guidelines and give reasons for the limits they impose, while communicating unconditional love and affection for their children. They allow children to make choices while helping them see the consequences of those choices. Democratic/mentoring parents are leaders who set standards for their children's behavior, rather than dictators who demand obedience. They gently but firmly enforce limits and allow children to gradually accept more and more responsibility. If you had to choose one style of parenting, the democratic/mentoring style is generally accepted as the method that best helps children develop security, responsibility and self-confidence.

But parenting is not a solitary activity; it's interactive. A large part of your effectiveness as a parent depends on how well you communicate with your child, especially during the teenage years, and your ability to be flexible while still sending a consistent message. For example, being flexible yet consistent might mean you're willing to extend a curfew for a special occasion, but the rule that your teen will not accept a ride with anyone who's been drinking has not changed.

Teens wouldn't be teens if they didn't push their limits, regardless of your parenting style. Just remember that the most effective parents have certain qualities in common: They provide a balance of love and limits, they stay consistent, their love for their children is constant and unconditional, and they listen - really listen -- to their kids. And that type of parenting never goes out of style.

Taken from: http://www.4-tough-solutions.com/parents.html

WEEK OF OCTOBER 1 - 5

Tips thought leaders use to raise their kids

By Eloise King

The leading thinkers today take a look at the parenting debate and speak on how to raise inspired children.

The years kids spend at school are about so much more than maths, English and science. The jostle of school yard play and politics means they come up against challenges that are social, emotional, psychological and physical in nature as well.

The problem, however, is that statistics tell us an increasing number of school-aged children are obese, depressed, abuse drugs or alcohol, have behavioural problems such as ADHD and even, tragically, commit suicide.

To protect her own son from becoming yet another sad statistic, international award winning researcher and university teacher Dr Rosina McAlpine has corralled some of the world's leading thinkers to produce a book titled Raising Inspired Children.

"Parents want the best for their children, but the fast and demanding pace of life has left them poor and stressed" Dr McAlpine says. "They don't have the time to research the latest findings in child development unless they come up against a problem and need expert help to manage it."

Here, we look at some of what those leading minds have contributed to the parenting debate.

Supporting emotional intelligence in children

Dr Joe Dispenza is a neuroscientist, chiropractor, lecturer and author who's continuing education has been in neurology; neuro-plasticity; brain function and chemistry; cellular biology; memory formation; and ageing and longevity.

Research shows us that our emotional disposition – bored, happy, sad, balanced, excited – affects how we interpret the world, and also how we act or behave in it. Studies from the University of Pennsylvania show when depressed people are shown two pictures in rapid succession – one funeral, one feast – people remember the sad coffin scene significantly more often than the happy feast. "This study clearly shows that people perceive reality based on how they feel," Dr Dispenza. "This is why it is important for us to help our kids cultivate positive emotions such as happiness, strength and freedom, as often as possible."

Emotional predispositions are the result of the interplay between our genetics (nature) and the environment we grow up in (nurture).

Increasing our kids emotional intelligence gives them greater control over how they react to their environment and the tools to lead a happier life.

What is emotional intelligence?

Dr Dispenza says there are five distinct but interrelated aspects to emotional intelligence. They are: knowing one's emotions (self awareness), managing emotions (the ability to shake off negative emotions and introduce positive ones), recognising emotions in others (empathy and being aware of another's needs), handling relationships (effective interactions) and motivating oneself.

Two techniques for teaching emotional awareness to kids

1.    Parental observation: Instead of jumping in to fix a situation when his children are highly emotional (such as mid- tantrum or argument) Dr Dispenza would either a) say in a calm and non-judgemental voice 'you seem angry' to help them become aware of the emotion, or b) observe them in a calm and loving way without commenting. "Being watched, without judgment, until they are aware that I am watching them is often enough of an interruption for them to stop and observe their own emotions and behaviour," he says.

2.    Emotional awareness game: Dr Dispenza plays fun games designed to teach his kids about their emotions while driving together in the car. He says: "Ok, let's play a game that involves us all feeling happy for the next five minutes, so everyone stay in the state of joy and happiness by thinking about what makes you happy and then really feel it… notice how it makes you feel inside… you may feel like smiling, you may feel light… you may even feel like you are bursting with excitement because you are so happy… make that feeling grow so you are even more happy… keep feeling happiness and joy"  When the five minutes is up, he says: "Now, memorise that feeling of happiness and joy, because that is who you really are." To help his kids know what happiness, understand that they can turn it on, and develop it as a habit. This game can be repeated with feelings of strength, courage, freedom or playfulness.

Parenting Psychologically Healthy Kids

Dr Michael Hall has a doctorate in cognitive-behavioural sciences and is a leader in neuro semantics, psychology and neuro linguistic programming (NLP). He has written more than 40 books, including many best-sellers.  

Dr Michael Hall says the key factor in fostering psychological wellbeing in your child is to understand the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem.

"Self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably even though they are entirely different aspects of the self," Dr Hall says. "Self esteem refers to a person's innate value, worth, dignity, honour and lovability.  Self confidence, on the other hand, is conditional on their talents, dispositions, achievements."

Dr Hall believes all humans have innate worth and value. "It is an unconditional quality, based on no conditions, it is never questioned, it is recognised as a gift to all humans and means that everyone is born a somebody," he says. The aim or challenge for parents is therefore to help their child experience this self-esteem in their understanding of themselves.

Acknowledge your self worth first

It's hard to raise a child who feels innately worthy if you don't understand your own worth first. Dr Hall recommends thinking about something that you perceive to have innate worth.

"It may be standing in awe of a beautiful sunrise or sunset; acknowledging the mystery of life as you hold a newborn child; or sensing the immensity of the universe as you stand on top of a mountain and look up at the milky way," he says. "Once you've acknowledged or accepted the innate worth in something simply for what it is, apply that to the awesome sacredness to who you are." Dr Hall calls this self-esteeming.  

Once you have self-esteemed yourself, apply the same feelings of awe to your child. Say to yourself: 'My child doesn't have to prove anything or achieve anything to be a fully valuable person.' Let your child know that's how you feel. Then, encourage your child to self-esteem themselves with the words: 'I am special and lovable as I am and I don't have to do anything to be loved'. 

Dr Hall says: "The more they practice self-esteeming the better they will get at loving and valuing themselves for who they are."

Examples of phrases to help boost kids' self-esteem

1.    "Whether you succeed in the exam/game/event today or not, you are an absolutely valuable and lovable person and nothing can take that away from you. So, go out there and give it your best; have fun and we'll see what happens".

2.    "You shouldn't have done that. And you know what the consequences are – time-out in your bedroom. BUT, before you go I want you to know that I love you absolutely!"

Partnerships with children for happy home management

Dr Sum has experience as a RAAF officer, executive coach and business partner who specialises in leadership training.  She has developed the seven R's of parenting to help parents bring order and structure to family life.

Dr Sum believes the seven R's of parenting are:

1.    Role modelling: Children will do as you do, more than they will do what you say. Get clear about what your values and beliefs are and walk your talk to live an authentic life.

2.    Respect: Develop mutual respect between you and your child by asking yourself the following questions. In what ways do I respect my child? In what ways do I inspire my child to respect me?

3.    Rules: Rules set the boundaries and structure by which every family member agrees to behave. All rules require all family members to agree for them to work in creating a fun, safe and harmonious home environment.

4.    Routine: creates predictability and security for children which fosters independence and the development of healthy self esteem. Try creating a daily timetable for your child

5.    Review and reflect: create regular family time for sharing of personal and family problems, goals and challenges.

6.    Reorganise: make necessary adjustments required to improve the processes the family agrees aren't working.

7.    Response-ability: is taking the time to plan, schedule and follow through with the seven Rs so that every family member is valued.

Taken from: http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/parenting+pregnancy/parenthood/tips+thought+leaders+use+to+raise+their+kids,16441

WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 24 - 28

The Top 12 Virtues for Teens

“We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have [virtue] because we have acted rightly.”–Aristotle

Virtue is one of those words you and I don’t hear very often in the mainstream vocabulary. Virtue is basically conforming one’s life and conduct to moral or ethical principles. Moreover, virtue means moral excellence, uprightness and goodness.[1]Virtuous people are known for their conduct, character, and life of integrity. A virtuous person seeks after the highest moral qualities to live his or her life by. This is also true about “history makers.” Would you like to be a world changer? If so, what does it take to make a big impact in this world? The first step is to acquire virtue.

The Primary Virtue: Love
Overlooking the faults of others and building influence

“When love is our highest priority we foster respect in our relationships and honoring becomes a way of life.”
Cathy D. Polyak, 2^ndGrade Teacher – Las Vegas, Nevada

Virtue #2: Honesty
The ultimate character test

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom.”
Thomas Jefferson, Author of the Declaration of Independence,
American Founding Father, and the 3^rdPresident of the United States

3rd Virtue: Purity
Staying “green” in a polluted world

“Our culture desires intimacy without responsibility and pleasure without commitment.”
Kris Vallotton, Author of the book Purity

The 4th Virtue: Discipline
Staying on task – while achieving your goals

“Self-discipline is that which truly and essentially raises one man above another.”
Joseph Addison (1672–1719) Politician and Magazine Founder

The 5th Virtue: Money Management
Mastering money so it doesn’t master you

“Wealth may be an excellent thing, for it means power, and it means leisure, it means liberty.”
James Russell Lowell (1819 -1891) – American Poet, Editor and Diplomat

The 6th Virtue: Generosity
The sign of a satisfied heart

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”
Winston Churchill (1874-1965) Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

Virtue #7: Courage
Standing strong in the midst of fear and doubt

“Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.”
George S. Patton – Four Star General, World War II

The 8th Virtue: Perseverance
Refusing to quit – Expecting to win

“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”
Charles H. Spurgeon, famous 19^thCentury Baptist Preacher

Virtue # 9: Introspection
Finding self through silence and solitude

“Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.”
Lorraine Hansberry (1930-1965) – Author, A Raisin in the Sun

The 10th Virtue: Wisdom
Navigating successfully through life and social situations

“Wisdom is the principal thing. Therefore, get wisdom.”
King Solomon – The Wisest Man of All Time

The 11th Virtue: Foresight
Perceiving and interpreting the immediate future for sound decision-making

“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
Yogi Berra – Played for the New York Yankees & Hall of Fame Baseball Player

The 12th Virtue: Magnanimity
The King of all virtues: self-mastery

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948) – Leader of Freedom

Taken from: http://latinotownhall.com/2011/05/10/the-top-12-virtues-for-teens-2/

WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 17 - 21

10 Test-Taking Tips

Students frequently take test comprised of multiple-choice questions.
These tips can help improve student performance on this type of test.

1. Follow test directions exactly.
2. Read the WHOLE question before looking at the answer choices.
3. Answer the easy question first; don’t spend too much time on any one question.
When skipping a question, remember to SKIP THAT NUMBER on the answer
sheet.
4. Anticipate the answer when you read the question.
5. Read all the answer choices.
6. If your answer is one of the choices, bubble it in and move on.
7. If your answer is not one of the choices, cross out the answers you know are
wrong; this will narrow your choices and make it more likely that you will pick
the right one.
8. For reading comprehension sections: scan the questions before you read the
passage.
9. On standardized test, the number of correct answers, not the number of wrong
ones, usually determines the score. Ask if guessing will count against you, then
use the narrowing down methods noted above and don’t leave any questions
blank.
10. Be sure to bubble in answers properly. Multiple-choice tests are often graded by
computer; stray marks on the answer sheet will count against you. Bubble in your
choice completely while staying within the oval.

What Parents Can Do At Home

Provided for parents by SAY San Diego’s PASS Project
Funded by the Edna McConnell Clark Foundation

• Acknowledge test-taking anxiety as normal, but stay positive.
• Encourage your child to think positive thoughts like “I can do this!”
• Give compliments for effort: “I’m proud of how hard you have studied.”
• Go over the test-taking tips with your child.
• Adequate rest makes a difference! Make sure your child goes to bed at a reasonable
time; being active earlier in the day (not right before bed) can help kids get to sleep.
• Nutrition also influences how well children do on test; a good breakfast is
important, but a large meal right before the test can be distracting.
• Your child should wear comfortable clothing for long test-taking periods.
• Help your child learn how to relax. Some find it helps to take a few deep breaths
before starting the test; others like to imagine a peaceful place like the beach or
park.

Taken from: http://www.saysandiego.org/documents/Microsoft%20Word%20-%20Test-TakingTips.pdf

WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 10 - 14

How Kids Learn
to Follow Directions: 
13 Easy Ways to get Your Children to Listen -- and Mind

by Lisa Collier Cool, Working Mother June 1996

When I opened the door of my seven-year-old daughter’s room-20 minutes after I’d sent her upstairs to put on her leotard and tights-Rosalie was sitting on the floor in her underwear, happily playing with a Barbie doll. Though I tried to stay calm, my voice grew sharp with annoyance as I asked, "What are you doing? I told you to get ready for ballet!"

Few things are as frustrating and as infuriating, as having our children ignore our instructions. But how do we convince youngsters that it's important to follow directions—not just to please us or avoid punishments, but to make their own lives easier as well? (After all, a child's health and safety can depend on her ability to follow orders. And kids function better in school, sports and other group activities when they know how to carry out instructions.) Here's some expert guidance on getting your kids to do as they're told.

What to avoid

The methods parents typically use to get children to listen are often ineffective or actually encourage noncompliance, according to a new study by Edward Christophersen, PhD, professor of pediatrics at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri, and author of Beyond Discipline: Parenting That Lasts a Lifetime (Westport Publishers). He and other experts advise steering clear of some common mistakes.

	Don't say "don't." A negative instruction like "Don't let me come home and find that you still haven't done your homework!" is much more likely to be ignored than one that gives a positive alternative, such as "Please get started on your homework right after you eat your snack this afternoon." Emphasizing what your child is not to do has pitfalls, Chistophersen says. Kids under age frequently misunderstand negate directions—particularly if they are shouted—and may hear "Don't bring that wet dog into your room" as a command to "Bring the wet dog into your room." Older children may find that disregarding a "don't" can be more rewarding than obeying it: They get your attention that way.
	Reasoning gets little or no results. Explaining why certain actions are undesirable—"If you leave your toys lying around, you might trip over them and hurt yourself"—has no impact on children under age six, Christophersen finds. Your words simply go in one ear and out the other. "A young child doesn't relate to abstract future consequences, so he's not likely to be motivated by a warning like this. Since he isn't hurt right now, he doesn't feel there's anything to worry about." With an older child, a detailed list of reasons for every rule can spark a tedious debate or, at best, create short-lived compliance, he adds. You might get a 10-year-old to return a book to the library on time by explaining that if she doesn't, she'll have to pay the fine out of her allowance. However, she'll probably forget to return the next book she borrows because at this age, dipping into her piggy bank isn't nearly as painful as wasting precious playtime to walk to the library.
	The more you nag, the less kids listen. It's very easy for parents to slip into the "nagging and shouting syndrome," observes psychotherapist James Windell, MA, author of Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes (Macmillan Books). "When a child doesn't respond the first time she's told to do something, parents often repeat the request over and over until they finally lose their temper and start shouting. The message you give your child when you let her tune you out many times is that there's no need to pay attention to you until you're screaming."
	Avoid empty ultimatums or threats. Making impulsive threats when a child doesn't listen, such as "Do this right now, or I'm going to ground you!" is another common mistake parents make, Windell says. This can create a no-win situation, because kids resent being forced to give in. As a result, they often get angry and end up focusing on that anger instead of concentrating on what you asked them to do.

Tactics to try

With a few minor changes in the way you give directions, you can prevent communication problems as well as create an atmosphere that encourages cooperation. These attention-getting strategies will help you get your message through to your kids.

	Lay the right groundwork. The time to work on better communication with your child isn't when you're already knee-deep in conflict over something he's forgotten to do, but during the calm moments of the day, says Susan K. Golant, co-author ofGetting Through to Your Kids (Lowell House). "Show your child you're curious about what's going on with him, so he feels comfortable discussing any problems that may be making him less attentive than usual. You might want to set aside time each day to talk." What if your child is too young for such discussions? "Play activities are a good way to elicit a preschooler's feelings," adds Golant. "If your four-year-old is being balky, you could use dolls or puppets to act out the situation. She'll probably laugh when she sees the 'child' puppet dawdling instead of getting dressed or eating dinner. Then you can ask her why the puppet is doing that. Also try giving her the 'Mommy' puppet, so you can see how she perceives your behavior toward her. You may get some unexpected insights into how you interact with each other."
	Define your expectations. A key step to having your child hear you is to decide exactly what you'd like him to do, emphasizes Windell. "Many parents fail to tell their kids what they expect of them—but get angry anyway when their child doesn't do a particular task," he says. "Morn or Dad comes home from work, sees their kid has left dirty dishes and food out in the kitchen, then greets him with an outburst, such as 'What's wrong with you? Can't you even clean up your own mess?' Since the child was never given clear instructions to do this, he'll get angry about this unjust attack, and that leads to an unpleasant confrontation." A more productive approach would be to come up with a precise, positive guideline you want your child to follow. For instance, try saying "After your snack, I want you to put your dishes in the dishwasher and the food back in the fridge."
	Get her undivided attention. Before telling your child about an important rule or expectation, eliminate potential distractions. If she's playing, ask her to put down her toys for a minute, then move them out of her reach. Turn off the TV or radio, and sit down next to her. Make sure she is facing you before you speak—you may need to gently turn her shoulders toward you or touch her cheek to get her total attention. Next, look her right in the eyes, and use her name: "Sally, I need you to ask me before you go out into the yard."
	Let your child help make some of the rules. Everyone, kids and adults, wants to have a say in things that concern them. To help your child feel that he's not always being bossed around, request feedback from him if possible as you make a new rule or give him instructions to do something. For example, a 10-year-old might be told, "I notice that there are candy wrappers on your floor. What do you think would be a good rule to help you remember to throw them away in the future?" Giving a child a say gives him an impetus to follow the rule or direction—and he's less likely to claim you're unfair.
	Give choices—not commands. Whenever possible, let your kids decide how or when to follow your directions. With a five-year-old, you might say, "You need to put away your crayons. Do you want to do that now or in fifteen minutes?" Again, giving your child some say in what procedures she's to follow can often prevent power struggles.  Be careful, however, not to use words implying that not doing the task is one of the options, notes Windell. "If you say, 'Would you mind taking the garbage out?' your youngster probably won't realize this is meant as a rhetorical question. She's likely to argue with you, because in her mind, the answer is yes, she would mind taking the garbage out and would rather have somebody else do it. If you want to offer her a choice, make it clear that what she gets to decide is when to do the job, notwhether to do it."
	Make instructions easy to understand. Many parents give directions that are too broad and open to misinterpretation. Instead of just telling your nine-year-old to clean out his closet, break the task down into several steps, and stay with him until the job is completed. You might begin by saying, "Put the dirty clothes in the hamper." Next, tell him, "Put all the toys in this box." Then say, "Throw those crumpled papers in your wastebasket."
	Ask your child to repeat your request. Getting your youngster to recite rules and instructions out loud can prevent tearful protests of "I didn't know" or "I didn't understand" later on. Ask young, easily distracted kids to repeat your directions silently to themselves several times. Offer older kids a written checklist or, better still, have them write down the information themselves.
	Create positive and negative consequences. Offering a reward for following your directions, and a penalty for disregarding them, has two important advantages, Windell says. First, you'll provide motivation for your child to mind you when you tell her that if she finishes her homework by six, she'll have time to watch her favorite TV show. Then you'll reinforce the message by reminding her that if she doesn't, the TV will stay off all evening. "You'll also give your kid the freedom to decide how she wants to behave, instead of giving her the feeling she's being forced to do what you say," observes Windell.
	Acknowledge good behavior. Do you pay more attention to your kids when they shout or ignore you than when they quietly follow directions? "What most parents don't realize is that even so-called 'negative' attention can reinforce disobedience unless you make an effort to balance it by noticing and appreciating your kids when they're being good," says Christophersen. "Give them a brief hug or a kind word anytime you see they're doing something you approve of. You don't have to make a big deal of it—a quick pat on the back now and then can do more to get your kids to cooperate than an hour of reprimands." So stop scolding, and start setting loving limits that make everybody feel good about doing what you say, when you say it!

Taken from: http://www.pediatricservices.com/prof/prof-07.htm

WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 3 - 7

Kids and Excuses: Why Children Justify Their Behavior by Janet Lehman, MSW

“All day long, all I hear from my kids are things like, ‘It wasn’t my fault! He started it!’ and ‘She called me a name so I hit her.’ All the finger-pointing and blaming makes me want to scream. Why can’t they ever take responsibility for themselves?”

Why do kids make excuses? Here’s the truth: It’s really not as important to know why they do it as it is to know how to deal with their behavior. When you think about it, we all make excuses from time to time. You might know the speed limit, but when you’re pulled over by the police you may try to justify why you were speeding by telling the officer that you were late for work. This is the same thing children do when they say things like, “The teacher didn’t explain the assignment—that’s why I couldn’t do my homework.” And your child is not the only one—all kids try to wriggle out of consequences for their mistakes or for bad behavior. Kids see this happening everywhere—on TV, in the classroom, with their friends and sometimes from us!

Keep in mind that while your goal is to teach your child to take responsibility instead of blaming others, his goal is probably to get out of being punished.

Excuses, Excuses: How It Starts

Chronic excuse-making in kids may start out subtly. The trouble begins when blaming others works to get them out of consequences. This is when it can become a much bigger part of their personality, because they’re using it to solve their problems. Keep in mind that while your goal is to teach your child to take responsibility instead of blaming others, his goal is probably to get out of being punished.

Why is it so important to address excuse-making? As your child grows up and becomes an adult, the people in his life won’t accept excuses for his behavior. His high school and college teachers won’t accept them, his spouse won’t want to hear them all the time and his boss certainly won’t put up with it. The legal system doesn’t really care about excuses, either.

As a therapist who worked with tough adolescents in group homes for years, I heard every excuse you can imagine. Instead of getting sucked into an argument, we focused on getting the kids to take responsibility. Sometimes we would catch kids in the act of sneaking out at night, and they’d still try to tell us it wasn’t their fault! Our method of dealing with the situation was to:

·         Describe the situation objectively: “You were caught sneaking out after lights out.”

·         State the problem simply and clearly: “It’s against the rules and it’s a safety concern.”

·         Tell them what the consequences would be: “You won’t be allowed to go on the group outing to the mall tomorrow.”

As the adults in charge of these teens, we did not get into all the reasons why they had misbehaved—we just handled the situation in a businesslike way. This is a good thing to keep in mind as a parent, because all too often we can get sucked into the fighting and emotionalism of the moment and lose sight of the goal: to teach our kids to be more responsible. Here are eight things you can do when your child tries to blame others for his actions:

Catch your child in the excuse. One of the best things you can do is catch your child when he’s blaming someone—or something—for his actions, and then call him out. You can say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your friend for the fact that you came home past curfew without calling me.” Turn it around and let your child know that no matter what, in your eyes they are accountable for their own choices and behavior. Don’t let yourself get confused or drawn into an argument. Stick to the facts.

Focus on the real issue. What is the problem behavior? Is it that your son hits his siblings, or your daughter doesn’t do her schoolwork? Once you recognize the behavior, you can name it and then get your child to look at it. Again, avoid being sidetracked. Be clear about what you see and what happened. Don’t let them get away with changing the subject, because in the end it will only hurt your child who’s blaming everyone and everything for his bad behavior.

Keep it simple. Name the behavior that is the problem (for example, not doing assigned homework), name the choice they made (not asking for help), and then come up with one or two different things your child could do next time. (Ask for help from the teacher or talk friends in class.) Reinforce the plan—and keep it simple.

Do a re-enactment of the incident. Another thing you can say is, “Let’s pretend someone had a video camera and could watch what was going on. What would they have recorded just now?”

Your child: “My sister took my iPod, so I hit her.”

You:  “There were lots of other things you could have done other than hit her. What can you do differently next time so you don’t get in trouble?”

Your child: “I don’t know. I guess I could put my stuff on a higher shelf so she can’t get to it.”

If your child can’t come up with an idea, you might help them.

You: “You could also come and tell me about it and I’ll take care of it.”  

This works well with kids and gives you—and your child—a more objective way to look at the situation.

Be active. Your role as a parent is to set limits, teach and coach your child.  Part of that is to actively teach what is appropriate and what isn’t through role modeling. If we as parents happen to make excuses for our behavior and catch ourselves at it, it’s okay to go to our kids and say, “When I came home from work tonight I was really cranky. I could’ve handled it better—I didn’t need to scream. Sorry for being in such a bad mood. Next time I’ll take some time to relax before I walk through the door after a bad day.” So you’re modeling taking responsibility for the behavior, and you’re letting your family know how you will try to handle it in the future.

Be committed. Commit yourself to the process of challenging faulty thinking in your child—and keep at it. Just because you’re able to cut past the excuse to the behavior one time doesn’t mean the behavior is going to stop, or that your child won’t find another way to deflect or change the subject. You have to commit yourself to addressing the behavior, and be vigilant.

Stay calm and focused. When you talk to your kids, try to stay calm and focused. Yelling and screaming is not going to help. Sit with your child and look at what actually happened. Review the behavior. “You pushed your brother. There’s no excuse for abuse. How can you avoid this next time?” Doing a role play where your son plays the part of his brother and you play his part can be helpful. During this role play, you can practice what he can do next time this happens. That will give him an additional skill, and will help him not only own his behavior but will also give him a problem solving skill other than hitting.

Be sure to tie the consequence you give him to the behavior. If your child has knocked his brother down, the consequence is for that action. The fact is that your child chose to respond to that situation by using force. All the excuses in the world don’t change that. Maybe his little brother shouldn’t have been there, maybe he shouldn’t have grabbed his cell phone—but it doesn’t take away from the fact that he chose to knock him down.

Making amends: Once your child acknowledges his mistake, have him make amends if the situation warrants it. If your son hit his sister, he may need to write a note of apology or do a chore for her—but after that, move on. It’s a very difficult thing to learn to take responsibility for behavior but once you start, it gets easier. Realize that everyone makes excuses, but the most important piece is taking that responsibility and making amends.

Remind your child that she has choices. It’s empowering to know that we all have choices in life—and that goes for your kids, too. They’re making a choice to either follow the rules or not follow the rules; there is a moment in time when they choose misbehavior instead of the right behavior, or vice versa. If your teen daughter is with friends and realizes she is going to be late for curfew, she has the choice to text you and let you know—or to call and ask for a ride. Blaming her friends for her inability to get home on time is not a valid excuse. She’s not a victim or powerless to change the outcome of her actions each time she steps out of the house. The best part? The more your child takes ownership of her actions, the more empowered—and responsible—she will become.

TAKEN FROM: http://www.empoweringparents.com/kids-making-excuses.php?utm_medium=email&utm_source=email08282012NX&spMailingID=39638329&spUserID=MjE5MjU5NjAyNTYS1&spJobID=156060668&spReportId=MTU2MDYwNjY4S0