APRIL 8 - 12

Teens, Alcohol and Binge Drinking: Why Kids Are Drinking Hard Alcohol at a Younger Age by Elisabeth Wilkins, Empowering Parents Editor

It’s Saturday night, and kids all over North America are hanging out at their friends’ houses, watching movies, going to parties. And children as young as 11 are taking their first drink of alcohol—the average age when boys start drinking. For girls, that age is now 13. More and more kids are drinking hard liquor, and an alarming number of those teens and pre-teens are binge drinking, which is defined as consuming 5 or more drinks of any alcohol in one setting for boys, and 4 or more drinks for girls.

“When I ask them if they drink to get drunk, they say, ‘Duh, that’s why we do it,’" says Dick Schaefer, an addiction counselor who has worked with chemically dependent teens for nearly thirty years. He is also the author of Choices and Consequences: What to Do When a Teenager Uses Alcohol/Drugs. “Getting drunk is the thing to do, and they associate it with fun.” Traditionally, in the upcoming season of graduation, prom and other kid rites of passage, the amount of alcohol young people drink soars. What's important, says Schaefer, is to keep the lines of communication open before an incident occurs—and know how to deal with your child if you do catch them drinking.

"They’re not sipping alcohol—they’re gulping it down like soda.”—Dick Schaefer

The fact is, kids are hitting the bottle in greater numbers these days, enough to cause the Surgeon General to issue a report last year warning parents about alcohol consumption among minors. According to the study, there are 11 million underage drinkers in the U.S., and 7.2 million of those teens and pre-teens are binge drinking. The reasons for the surge among teens and pre-teens in recent years are many: Kids are gravitating towards the newer, flavored hard liquors the alcohol industry is producing. And “They’re not sipping—they’re gulping it down like soda,” says Schaefer. “The kids I see tell me they drink every weekend, at least four times a month. And they get drunk each time.” He considers alcohol to be the number one risk for teens and pre-teens when it comes to substance abuse. The Surgeon General calls it “The drug of choice for teens in America."

Besides highway accidents and the increasing number of tragic fatalities caused by kids drinking to toxic levels, the dangers alcohol poses are many: recent studies have shown that binge drinking can lead to brain damage, obesity, memory loss, and impairment of other brain functions. The statistics are staggering: children who get drunk for the first time under the age of 15 are five times more likely to have alcohol-related problems later on in life. And if alcoholism is in your family, your child is four times more likely to become an alcoholic. It’s been estimated that more than three million teenagers are alcoholics in this country, and millions more are classified as having a serious drinking problem.

In the last five years, some troubling new trends have emerged: There have been an increasing number of younger kids who are referred to the court as first time users—or kids who have been caught in the act of underage drinking. “Now we’re getting 12 and 13 year olds referred into the court system. And I’ve seen kids who are 12 going to the ER as a result of over-drinking,” says Schaefer. In addition, more girls are being referred to the courts than ever before.

Misuse, Abuse and Addiction: Know the Difference
As the director of the Touch Love Addiction Treatment Center in Fargo, North Dakota, Schaefer also works with the court system in his area to help kids who have been arrested for consuming alcohol. Frequently, treatment  involves minors attending classes with their parents. He classifies their drinking at the following levels:

Misuse: Any time a minor drinks. (Except for religious purposes or meals at home with parental approval.)

Abuse: Any time a minor gets drunk or stoned, any time they have drugs on them, engage in binge drinking or have paraphernalia, and any time they get behind the wheel while intoxicated. As a parent, if you walk into your kid’s room and find a bottle of alcohol, marijuana or paraphernalia, you should consider them to be at the abuse level. “Kids at the misuse level won’t bring it home, because they can take it or leave it and they don’t want to get in trouble,” says Schaefer. “At the abuse level, they need the chemical high, so they’ll take the chance. Once you equate having fun with getting high, that’s abuse.”

Potential dependency: The primary relationship for addicts is the relationship with alcohol or drugs. This is when the relationship with the substance becomes more important than any other relationship. This is when a child will choose the chemical high over time with family or friends. “Alcoholics and drug addicts are very lonely people,” says Schaefer. “You can’t get close to someone while they’re high. I tell the kids in my classes, ‘You’re lonely, and you’re going to be lonely until you get straight.’”

Giving Consequences: 4 Types of Contracts 

In his work as an addiction counselor, Schaefer developed a system of contracts parents can give their children in order to keep them alcohol and drug-free. Each new contract is adopted if the prior one has been broken.

The Rules: What can parents do to set consequences in the home? Start out with rules. “The rule in our house is no chemical use. Your curfew is 12:00 midnight on the weekends.” This is a verbal agreement with your child. List the logical consequences for breaking the rules. “We caught you drinking. You will have to forfeit the car keys for 1 month.” Negotiate with your teen and agree to the consequences ahead of time. This takes the heat out of the moment.

The Simple Contract: This is a rule written down with specific consequences, to be implemented if the verbal agreement is broken. The Simple Contract should be written down and signed at the misuse level. At the very least, your child should agree to three things: no chemical use, no violence, and a curfew. Tell your teen that if they violate this contract, they will be sent to a chemical dependence evaluation.

The Turf Contract: If the Simple Contract is broken, the next type of contract you can implement is the Turf Contract. This is a written agreement that includes all the points of the Simple Contract and outlines the behavior required for the teen to earn privileges at home, like use of the car or cell phone. In addition to stopping any alcohol or drug use, the behavior might include school attendance and performance, keeping a curfew, or doing chores at home. The consequence you can give for breaking this contract is the choice of chemical dependence treatment in either an in-patient or out-patient setting. Schaefer advises, “Always give your child a choice—never put a kid in a corner without a way out.”

The Bottom-Line Contract: This is to be implemented if the Turf Contract is violated. The Bottom-Line Contract is a written agreement that outlines specific behaviors required for your child to retain the privileges of living at home or staying in school. It includes all the elements of the Simple and Turf Contracts. Consequences for breaking this contract by doing drugs or alcohol: Give the child the choice of two reputable and available inpatient treatment centers. “You’re saying, ‘You’re out of control, and we’re going to agree to get you help,'" Schaefer explains. 

If You Suspect Your Child Has a Substance Abuse Problem: What You Can Do Now
If you suspect your child might be drinking or taking drugs, talk to your child’s school. Substance abuse almost always shows up in attendance, GPA, and truancy. “If kids are getting drunk, they’re not doing their work,” says Schaefer. What happens in school is not confidential, and teachers are required to record observable behaviors of their students. Schools have checklists for teachers that parents can ask to see. (One of these is called the “Student Assisted Programs Checklist,” but names may vary from state to state.) The list includes questions about truancy, the students’ attitudes and behaviors, and also alcohol and drug-related questions. "As a parent, you have the right to know what is being recorded about your child," says Schaefer. While parents do not have a right to hear what kids tell school counselors or psychologists—except in the case of suicidal or homicidal behaviors or vandalism—parents do have a right to see any checklist the school has on their child.

You need to have some communication with your child about drinking and substance abuse. “It should be just as easy to talk to them about drinking and marijuana as it is to talk about sex…and that’s the problem,” says Schaefer. “We think we’re so open but we’re not. Talk about the drinking scene, talk to your kids about your concerns. Keep the lines of communication open.”

The good news is that not all kids are drinking. About 60 percent of kids in the U.S. and Canada drink, but 40 percent do not. Arm yourself with that information before you talk to your child, who might be under the impression that all his friends are doing it. “That’s the important message that I try to get across,” says Schaefer. “In my classes I say, ‘You guys are among the 60 percent, you broke the law.’ And that’s good to tell kids. We’ve got to break this idea that ‘everybody drinks’ because it’s just not true.”

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Teens-Alcohol-and-Binge-Drinking.php#ixzz2PcVDTO50

WEEK OF APRIL 1 - 5

Grandparents and Parents Disagreeing? 11 Tips for Both of You by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC

There’s a wonderful, special role that grandparents get to play within the family. Part of that role says that they have an extra bit of leeway with the grandkids—they might take them for ice cream or let them stay up a bit later when they visit, for example. Ideally, grandparents make life easier for the parents, and ideally, parents honor them and make them feel wanted. Problems can arise when the grandparents interfere, intrude, or undercut what the parents are saying—or when parents forget to take the feelings of the grandparents into consideration.

Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome, and if it’s coming from one’s own parents or in-laws, it will most likely be heard as criticism.

Here are 11 tips for both  parents and grandparents that can help clear up roles and responsibilities.  Following this advice will help keep your family functioning well—not only in the now, but for generations to follow.

Common Conflicts between Parents and Grandparents and How to Handle Them

1. Assume the best. If you're a parent whose feeling like the grandparents have been stepping on your toes, start by trying to assume that they have the best intentions. Like all of us, they might make mistakes or be unaware of boundaries they’re crossing. Perhaps they feel unsure of what you want or don’t want from them. Let them know how they can be helpful to you. Help them feel included, important and needed.

2. Don’t criticize. The number one rule of thumb for grandparents is, above all, don’t criticize. No one likes to feel judged or blamed, most of us become defensive and angry when criticized, and then we shut down. Think of it this way—who wants to be near someone who is always judging them? Instead of criticism, ask how you can be helpful. Focusing on the positive will do wonders for your relationship.

3. When a boundary has been crossed. Let grandparents know when they have stepped over a line that you’re not comfortable with, such as giving you unsolicited parenting advice. You can say, “I appreciate your expertise. I will definitely ask you if I need help.” Or “I know you may see it differently, but I’d appreciate you following the way I do it on this one.”

Give them a role so they feel they have a way to contribute. Invite them to your parenting classes or pediatrician if they’re having a hard time understanding how parenting and medical advice has changed. That way, they can ask questions and learn good ways to support you. This can solve a problem rather than lead to animosity between generations.

If a grandparent says something to the grandkids like, “Your parents don’t know what they’re doing,” or “I would never do it this way,” or to the parents, “C’mon, give them a break, you’re too strict with them,” they’re stepping over a boundary. If they’re openly saying to the parent, “I think you should do it differently,” or “This is how I would do it,” without being asked, they are also showing a lack of respect for your rules and ideas. That’s when you have to make sure, as a parent, that you are clearly stating your boundaries.

A phrase or slogan you could say to a grandparent when they’re undermining you might be, “I appreciate your concern or your worry. I’m comfortable with the way I’m doing it.” And the slogan you can say to yourself is, “This is about them, not about me.”

4. Unless asked, don’t tell. Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome, and if it’s coming from one’s own parents or in-laws, it will most likely be heard as criticism. If you respect that boundary, you will probably be asked for your opinion, where you will be free to express your advice and wisdom—you will then have more of a chance to have some influence.

If you have a big concern that you feel can’t or shouldn’t be ignored, ask permission, speak to the proper person (it’s probably best to speak to your child) and don’t do it in front of the grandchildren. Use your tact and timing. Above all, never side with one parent or the other. Stay neutral and be careful not to talk badly about the other parent through gossip, commiserating or complaining about one to the other, no matter how tempting.

5. Don’t get stuck in the middle. Don’t let your grandkids put you in the middle when they complain to you about their parents. They might tell you that their parents won’t buy them what they want or how they won’t let them have a sleep over. Just respond with empathy, but don’t take sides or down talk the parents. This will only lead to trouble.

6. Support your mate: Support your mate when it comes to parenting. You might have to tell your own parents to back off a bit and that they are intruding. While it’s important to get this point across, be sure to never make them feel like a burden. Communicate boundaries, but find ways to make grandparents also feel respected, honored and wanted.

Let’s say your husband doesn’t want your parents to overstay their welcome when they visit. While this is his issue, he also has to support you in having good contact with your parents. Both of you can decide what the boundaries are for you as a couple. Clear up your issues together first, make sure you’re not working this out in front of the grandparents or making them uncomfortable. Then communicate what you need or expect.

7. Define yourself and your role. Be clear, honest and thoughtful about what you will and won’t do as a grandparent. Some grandparents feel they have already done the job of raising kids and don’t want to be called to babysit or be at every event. Others long for the invitation. Know what you are willing to do and not do and make this very clear. Communicating honestly will prevent difficult feelings down the road. If you live close by, are you willing to be called to pick up or drop off kids, babysit, called at the last minute, watch sports events? How often? Being clear about your role is better for everyone involved.

8. Unresolved issues. Parents, if the role that you’ve played all your life in your family is no longer working, change it. Don’t spill your unresolved issues onto the next generation; work out the differences that are still affecting you. Recognize that it might be your own insecurity as a parent causing you to hear helpful advice or suggestions from the grandparents as criticism. If necessary, guide them to better ways of making suggestions that won’t leave you feeling undermined or criticized.

9. Stay in your own box. Grandparents, make sure that by being helpful you aren’t being intrusive. Being a grandparent is such a joy, and it’s your chance to love your grandchildren and be the wise sage, the guide, and the teacher. Your goal is to be loving and supportive, not critical or overly judgmental. This will be best for you and for your children. Not only that, but you will be the joyful presence they will want to have around.

Be sure to fill your life with your many interests and goals beyond just being a grandparent. When you do this, you are taking responsibility for making your life full and complete so your kids or grandkids won't feel they must do that for you. 

Try and let go of expectations of how you want things to go or how you think things should go. Rather, take joy in how things are going. Don’t let expectations get in the way of enjoying and  appreciating what is. If you think your daughter-in-law should be inviting you over  more, rather than getting hung up on that, enjoy the events you go to. Always  keep the communication open in order to work out differences.

10. Trust your kids to parent their kids. Even if you don’t agree with what the parents are doing (as long as there are no health or safety concerns), trust them. Remember that you are not the parent, you are the grandparent. Getting in the middle of how your child and his or her mate are raising their kids will only cause problems. Keep in mind that the world has changed, and what worked years ago for you may not work very well now. If it helps, take some parenting classes or speak to a pediatrician to get some firsthand information. Keep in mind that as a grandparent, even if you don’t agree, you have to go along with the rules. With medical or safety issues in particular, you need to defer to the parent. You can be curious, ask questions and talk about the issue in a respectful way. But your role is not to parent the child anymore—it’s to be the grandparent. Know where you end and they begin. Respect the boundaries and roles. Love the grandkids unconditionally and be helpful to the parents rather than make things harder for them. And be compassionate with yourself when you mess up. No one’s perfect—not even Grandma!

11. Work to make it work. Most importantly, work to make this work. Parents need their parents, grandparents need their children and grandkids. This relationship is enriching for all and doesn’t last forever. Whether you live close or far away, make sure you find ways to make everyone a part of each other’s lives.

Taken from: http://www.empoweringparents.com

WEEK OF MARCH 18 - 22

5 AREAS TO LET YOUR CHILD FACE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES
by Sara Bean, M.Ed.

Everyone says you should let your child face natural consequences, but what exactly does this mean? Many parents struggle with this concept because they don’t fully understand what constitutes a "natural" consequence. And sometimes parents have difficulty relinquishing control of consequences because they feel they always have to get their child to obey, even if it means getting into a huge blowout.

Natural consequences allow you to take the stance of, “This isn’t my problem. You’re the one who made the choice. What are you going to do differently next time?”

I’ve talked to many parents who have structure and consequences in place for their child to motivate them to do their homework. Many refuse to accept that there is little else you can do to make your child do his homework if he doesn’t care about the consequences. There comes a point, though, where you have to let go and let your child feel the natural consequences of poor grades, such as failing, getting spoken to by the teacher, or even summer school. Believe me, I’m not advocating an uninvolved approach here—far from it. I’ll explain more about this later on.

Natural Consequences: Why Are They Important?

Natural consequences can best be described as the logical outcome of a decision your child makes. These consequences sometimes come from outside forces such as other adult influences such as teachers, but may also come from you setting limits on how much you will do for your child. One of the most notable benefits of letting your child face the natural consequences is you don’t have to come up with them yourself; rather, you’re allowing the chips to “fall where they may.” They also help your child to learn about what happens when he makes various choices on his own. It shows him that rules are here for a reason and going against them is unpleasant. Natural consequences allow you to take the stance of, “This isn’t my problem. You’re the one who made the choice. What are you going to do differently next time?”

Areas Where Natural Consequences Are Effective

1. Poor decisions at school: I’ve worked with many parents whose kids get into trouble at school for the way they acted, but instead of letting their child face the music, they try to bail their kid out. Parents, remember this: your child’s version of the story is not always the true version of what has happened. Your child will sometimes rearrange the facts to justify his poor choices—and omit information about his own behavior. When your child makes a poor choice at school, such as a lewd comment in the cafeteria or pushing a peer in the hallway, the information you get about the situation is probably just the tip of the iceberg. There is much more that goes on every day that teachers see and hear that you don’t know because most of the time it’s harmless and there is no need to tell you. And teachers know that all kids make mistakes and accept it as part of growing up. When your child is given a consequence at school, there’s more often than not a very good reason for it. It’s important that you let your child face these natural consequences such as missing recess, going to detention, or attending school on Saturday. If you try to get your child out of trouble at school, you undermine the school’s authority and your child gets the message that he doesn’t have to listen to his teachers, and behavior will likely worsen.

2. Personal space at home: In most cases, it’s effective to let your child be in control of her own space and her own belongings. If you tell your child that you will only wash the clothes she puts in the laundry each week, but she doesn’t put any in the hamper, the natural consequence is that you won’t wash them. You aren’t doing anything extra here or going out of your way to do something your child can do herself; you are simply washing what there is to wash. Another possibility here is that maybe she’ll have to do her own laundry. Another example: The natural consequence of a dirty room is that your child won’t be able to find things or she’ll step on something that hurts her foot. If your teen refuses to wear a coat in the winter, the natural consequence will be that she is cold. If your child brings his favorite new toy to school (when you told him not to) and it gets lost or stolen, that’s the natural consequence. If he had listened to you, he would still have those cool new Legos.

3. Household chores: The most common way for families to handle chores is to provide a small allowance. It works best to break the allowance down into a payment for each chore. When children don’t do the chores, they don’t get paid. It’s just like in the real world—if you and I don’t do our work, we don’t get paid either,and then we don’t have the money to buy the things we want or do the extra fun things we want to do. This can work for any child in grade school. With younger kids, you could do a token system or create a single behavior chart that will allow them to earn a reward every day or two, such as playing a game with Mom or watching a movie with Dad. Another system I love that works well with kids who leaves their things all over the place is the “Saturday Box.” Every night after bed, you pick up whatever your child left lying around the house and put it in the Saturday Box. And, as the name implies, she won’t get it back until Saturday. If one of those items happens to be her handheld game device for example, then you have a bonus natural consequence: she won’t get to play until Saturday. And that’s on her, not you, as long as you told her about the Saturday Box ahead of time.

4. Homework: Homework and school projects are another area where your child really needs to take responsibility for himself and earn his grades. The natural consequences are plentiful—he may get lectured by the teacher, he may have to stay in from recess to finish it, he may not get to participate in school-sponsored activities that have grade restrictions, and, if it’s very serious, he might even have to repeat the grade or go to summer school. I know this sounds harsh, but think of it this way: You aren’t going to follow your child around to his job when he grows up to make sure he does everything his boss wants him to do, right? That’s why it’s best for your child to learn now what happens when you don’t meet your responsibilities. (This is not to say that you ignore homework altogether—I will talk about when to step in and how to do it in just a few moments.)

5. Behavior in the community: We say this all the time here at Empowering Parents: no matter how much you would like to, you can’t control your child’s behavior outside your home. There may come a day when your child does something rude or obnoxious at a friend’s house; the natural consequence might be that he isn’t allowed over there for a while. Or, your teen might get caught speeding or walking around at night after the city curfew, actions whichalso have their own natural consequences. When misbehavior outside your home poses a safety risk, you certainly do want to impose some consequences of your own at home, of course, but that speeding ticket is a natural consequence for your child’s choice to speedwhile driving the car.

When Should You Give Your Child Consequences?

A good starting place here is this question: Is this a serious safety concern, or is my child’s poor decision in this situation likely to have long-term negative or unhealthy consequences? If the answer is “yes,” then you are going to want to set some clear standards and hold your child accountable in some way. For example, if your child’s grades are failing, you can establish a daily structure where he has no access to electronics or favorite toys from after school until the work is done. You could also try to add additional incentives for your child to follow this structure at least 3 or 4 days per week. This would allow him to earn a little something extra on the weekend, like extra time playing video games or a trip to the mall with you. 

After you’ve tried consequences and rewards, understand that the rest is in your child’s hands and he’ll choose whether to risk the natural consequences again or not.

Additionally, you must step in if there is a safety is a concern. If your child has been smoking weed or experimenting with alcohol, the car can be off limits for a while. If your child refuses to wear a helmet, the bike is locked up. If your child has shoplifted, he might lose the privilege of walking to the store on his own for a while. These are just a few of many possible examples.

With every child, it’s helpful for you to talk with him or her about their decisions and the outcomes of those decisions. Younger children will need you to offer them choices, while mid-elementary aged kids and up can make choices more independently, but discussion and coaching with all kids is helpful. When you talk, you can discuss your child’s reason for making a decision, what the outcome was, and what he could do differently next time. This will help him maximize the learning that comes from mistakes and give him the skills to avoid unpleasant consequences in the future—natural or otherwise.

The Real World Experience Kids Gain by Facing Consequences

While it’s your responsibility to coach your child and point out the consequences of his choices, your child learns best when given the opportunity to identify his choices, consider each choice, choose, and then experience the outcome. Even the best-behaved kids will make poor choices now and again. The hard truth is that decision-making is a skill your child needs to learn so he can function as an adult. Natural consequences are one of the best teachers (and aids) a parent can have in coaching their child about life in the real world learning to let your child experience these lessons is part of your job as a parent.

Taken from: http://www.empoweringparents.com

MARCH 11 - 15

Parental Coping Skills: How to Use Humor to Defuse Fights with Your Child by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW

As a parent, when all else fails, sometimes all you can do is laugh. But did you also know that finding the humor in a situation is actually a helpful coping skill that, when used correctly, can be very effective? For starters, laughter helps give you some objectivity and allows you to find common ground with your child, even during an interaction that might have been tense and angry moments before. Simply put, it’s hard to be mad and laugh at the same time. As you've probably noticed in your own life, the ability to find the humor in a situation can instantly dissolve a fight or help us relate to one another in a new way.

Laughter should always be about the situation, and not about the person. If you laugh at your child that can be shaming— and will probably cause his anger to escalate.

Remember, how we look at things affects how we choose to react or respond to a situation. The ability to view the situation from a lighter perspective, when it's appropriate, can help keep you calm and help you respond from a more thoughtful place, rather than from an emotional one.

It’s important to note that one of the very first things we do in life is laugh, before we speak or even walk. There’s a reason people say, “Laughter is good for the soul,” and “Laughter is the best medicine”—there really is that physical benefit, because it relieves stress and benefits your circulation and respiratory system, to name just a few things. Not only that, but as Bill Cosby says, “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

You may be sitting there saying, “You don’t know my kid—there’s nothing funny about his behavior.” We’ve worked with oppositional and defiant children and teens for years, and Kim is the mother of an adult child with ODD. Believe me, we know where you’re coming from! We’ll be addressing how to use a sense of humor with ODD kids later on in the article.

7 Ways to Use Humor Effectively as a Parent

Remember, it’s about the situation, not the person. The number one rule about using humor with your child is that the laughter should always be about the situation, and not about the person. If you laugh at your child, that can be shaming — and will probably cause his anger to escalate. Here’s an example from Kim’s life: When her ODD son was about 11 years old, he was mad about something and went to kick a cabinet door in the kitchen. In doing so, he slipped and fell on the floor, not hurting himself. They both started laughing at the absurdity of the situation, and he completely forgot what he was angry about in the first place. In that moment, Kim was able to look at him and say,“Okay, c’mon, that was funny. I love you, but that was funny.”

As a parent, the question to ask yourself with humor is, are you joining with your child—is it shared humor? Or are you laughing at your child? Laughing at someone’s pain, hopes, fears or beliefs isn’t funny, but laughing together during a silly moment can do wonders to bridge a gap or defuse a fight.

Above all, you don’t want to hurt your child’s feelings—that’s not the goal here. You don’t want to laugh at something that’s important to him or her. And of course, it’s never good to laugh when your kid has been hurt physically or emotionally.

Learn to laugh at yourself. As a parent, it’s good to laugh at yourself once in a while. This is also something that we can model for our kids. It’s so important to show them how to refrain from taking themselves so seriously all the time, and that it’s okay to laugh when you make a mistake. You can even chuckle, shrug and say, “I can’t believe I was so steamed about that customer who cut in line at the bank today. I should’ve just let it go. I guess I was just in a bad mood or something.” By doing this, you’re literally showing your child how to “laugh it off.”

A question that can help your child. A great question to ask when things are getting tense is, “Wow, why are we arguing about something so small?” This pulls both of you out of the argument, lightens the mood, and gives you some objectivity and perspective. Let’s say you want to see one movie but your child would rather go to another, and you start to argue. You can calm things down by saying, “Okay, this is silly, huh? You pick the movie this time, and I’ll pick the next one.” That way, you are modeling to your child how to change the mood and put things into perspective.

Focus on your child’s strengths. One parent we knew had a son who would argue and argue, no matter what was at stake. He always had to have the last word, and his mom said it was exhausting. One day when he was explaining yet again why he shouldn’t have to do his chores, she thought to herself, “Man, someday he’s going to make a really good lawyer. I can just see him up there arguing in front of a judge. And the judge is going to say, ‘Oh my Lord, enough already!’” The mom didn’t share this with her son in that moment—he would have gotten defensive and angry—but it helped her put his behavior into perspective and have a moment of private amusement. 

For Parents of Defiant or Oppositional Kids: For parents of really defiant, oppositional kids, it may feel like there’s nothing to laugh at. Life can get so difficult with these kids – it can become very intense and exhausting. But even with ODD kids, there’s actually a lot that you can find to laugh about. Again, you don’t want to start laughing at your child—you probably already know that if you laugh at an ODD kid, he’ll usually escalate. You can laugh to yourself, though, when the situation gets ridiculous.

Here’s a good example. One parent we worked with had a 16-year-old boy with ODD. She had to call the police because he'd become violent and broken some things in the house. While talking to the officers on the front porch, the boy actually said, "I want to get emancipated and live on my own, but my mom won't give me a ride down to the courthouse so I can fill out the paperwork." (He didn't have a driver's license and hadn't yet taken driver's ed.) The mom walked away and chuckled to herself privately.

The point is, sometimes it’s good to just walk away. You may need to go in your own room and laugh quietly to yourself, like this mom did. When Kim was raising her ODD son, she became adept at stepping back and taking herself out of the equation and looking at everything from an outside perspective. She maintains that finding the humor in the situation "saved me on many, many occasions."

Will we laugh about this later? Another great question to ask yourself when you’re upset about your child’s behavior is, “Will this matter in a few months or years?” If the answer is “no,” you can probably let it go after you address the situation with your child. And, while this may not be a laughing matter right now, recognize that it might be funny later on. It’s good if you can say to yourself, “Someday, we’re going to look back on this and laugh.”

We also want to state here that just because you find some humor in the situation doesn’t mean you’re minimizing it. It doesn’t mean you’re saying “This is funny so there aren’t going to be any consequences.” You’re still following through as a parent, but you’re also keeping your head above water by allowing humor to give you some perspective.

Use laughter to connect with other parents. If you can find other parents to connect with over your kids’ behavior, it can be so helpful. It normalizes things, releases tension to laugh together, and helps you relate to someone else and find that common ground. When you can empathize with each other and find the humor in your own situation, it lightens the load, even when you’re going through a rough period with your child. In the movie Steel Magnolias, Dolly Parton’s character says it so well: “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”

Taken from: http://www.empoweringparents.com

Monday, March 4, 2013

Parenting Responsibilities: 10 Things You Are (and Aren’t) Responsible for as a Parent by Sara Bean, M.Ed.

These days, we’re bombarded with mixed messages about how to parent “the right way.” It’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives, and other parents and start to worry that we’re doing something wrong. Part of the reason this is happening is because adults, just like kids, are over-stimulated. We’re more wired and connected, which means we’re receiving more outside input than ever before. We have easy access to advice (good and bad) on the web, to information about how other parents are doing things, and to each other through social networking sites. This means we’re also more actively comparing ourselves to others—and getting more judgment and criticism from others as a result. We’re on an informational and emotional overload, which is causing many, many parents to feel overwhelmed and confused.

Your children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is just no logical way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home.

On our Parental Support Line, my advice to callers was to trust your instincts as a parent—you know your child best, and in the end you’re the one making the decisions about your child’s future. In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman says you have to run your family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your “family business” and as CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent as objectively as possible. Forget how guilty you feel, forget that echo of your sister’s advice in the back of your head—you need to do what is best for your business. You can ask for advice, but in the end, you know your family best. 

One of the most important ways to clear through all the clutter of advice, guilt and comparisons to others is to understand what you are and aren’t responsible for when it comes to raising your child.

What you are not responsible for:

1.    Making sure your kids are always happy. Don’t get me wrong—it’s good for your kids to be happy overall. But that means there will be plenty of times, especially when you’re parenting responsibly, that your kids will be furious with you when you set limits or give them a consequence. That’s part of your job description as the executive officer—not to make decisions based on what your kids will like, tolerate, or be okay with, but to make the decisions that are best for them and your family business, then follow through.

2.    Getting the approval of others. Rationally, you do not need other adults in your life to tell you that you are doing the right thing. Parenting is not a popularity contest in your family or in your community. Sure, it feels great when other adults, such as your child’s teachers, tell you your child is doing something well, but it’s not necessary in order for you to run your family business well.

3.    Controlling your children. Your children are not puppets and you are not a puppeteer. There is just no logical way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home. Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in self-interest. It’s important to remind yourself that if your child is not doing her homework, for example, despite your best efforts to motivate her and hold her accountable, that’s her problem and the poor grade she earns is hers alone. The consequence she will get from you is that you will make sure she sets aside time every evening to study, you will be in touch with her teachers more, and you will monitor her homework more thoroughly until she brings her grade up. We can’t control our kids, but we can influence them by the limits we set and the consequences we give. As James Lehman says, “You can lead a horse to water, and you can’t make them drink—but you can make them thirsty.”

4.    Doing for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves. Many, many times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are capable of doing on their own. Your grade schooler might not make his bed perfectly the first time, but practice (and doing it imperfectly several times) is what he needs in order to get to the point where he can do it on his own. I’m not saying to stop preparing breakfast for your child once she’s old enough to pour her own cereal, or to never do anything to help your kids out in a pinch. What I am saying is to let your kids struggle sometimes and try your best to balance the responsibility. Typing a child’s paper for him because you type faster and it’s getting close to bedtime is not striking a balance.

5.    You do not have to be Superman, Wonder Woman, Mike Brady, or June Cleaver. These are all fictional characters that seem to do it all and do it perfectly, right? You’re not one of them, nor should you strive to be. Rather than focusing on addressing every behavior issue or adhering to a perfect schedule each day, try to hit the important targets and realize that you might have to let some smaller things go each day. We call this picking your battles.

What you are responsible for:

1.    Making tough decisions that are not popular ones. If your child doesn’t get mad at you at least once in a while, you’re not doing your job. Along with this, remember that you are not required to give lengthy explanations of your decisions. “It’s not safe” can be plenty of explanation when your teen asks why he can’t jump off the roof and onto the trampoline. “It’s your responsibility” is enough justification for telling your child it’s homework time. You don’t need to get into all the possible “what-ifs” and “if-thens.”

2.    Teaching your child to function independently. One of the effective parenting roles we talk about frequently on EP is the Trainer/Coach role. It is your job to teach your child age-appropriate skills in order to allow them to become more and more independent. There comes a time when your child needs to learn how to emotionally soothe himself, tie his shoes, write his name, and cope when someone teases him. Over time the skills he needs get more and more advanced—typing a paper, saying no to drugs, driving a car, and filling out a job application, for example.

3.    Holding them accountable. At the very least, this means setting some limits with your children when they are behaving inappropriately. For example, when your child is putting off their homework you might turn off the TV and say, “Watching TV isn’t getting your homework done. Once your homework is done you can turn the TV back on.” This could also be as simple as firmly saying, “We don’t talk that way in this house” to your child and walking away. Or, of course, it can also mean providing some effective consequences for something like having missing homework assignments, such as weekend activities being placed on hold until the work is completed.

4.    Going along for the ride. On the rollercoaster, that is. We all know but often struggle to accept that life is full of ups and downs—and sometimes it gets turned upside down. There will be times when your child is doing well and times when he or she is really struggling. That is not a reflection on you, it just is. Don’t blame yourself when this happens. Focus on finding positive ways to cope, look for something new to try to help your child effectively, or get some local support.

5.    Do your best. That’s really all you can do sometimes. It’s a perpetual balancing act—striving to find that balance between doing too much and doing too little, or giving consequences that are not too harsh but not too soft, either. Parenting can feel like a circus sometimes and there can be several balancing acts going on at one time. That’s when you have to go back to picking your battles and realizing you are not, nor will you ever be, June Cleaver or Superman.

Above all else, remember that your child is unique and you know him better than anyone else on the planet. You will always get input, no matter how obvious or subtle, from the world around you as to how you should parent your child. You, however, are the expert on your child and get to make your own decisions about how to parent her in a way that teaches her to be independent and accountable while also being loving and respectful of your child and her needs. When you find yourself personalizing, remember the tips here to help you be more objective and remember what your role as a parent really is.

Taken from: parenting.org

FEBRUARY 25 - MARCH 1

How Do You Motivate a Teen?
Yes, It Is Possible! 

By Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott co-authors of Positive Discipline for Teenagers

When parents ask, “How do I motivate my teen?” they usually mean, “How do I get my teen to do what I want? How do I get her to have some balance in her life? How do I get him off the computer, get outside, or do just about anything except sitting around doing nothing?”

Encouragement is the key to motivation. Every parenting tool we are sharing in this Positive Discipline for Teeanagers book is designed to encourage and motivate teens. In this article we’ll cover Six surefire Teen Motivators: compliments, humor, let’s make a deal/collateral, motivation through involvement, joint problem-solving and follow-through.

Compliments

People do better when they feel better. There’s nothing like getting a compliment for something you feel good about or being affirmed for who you are to improve motivation. This is true for everyone, but especially for teens, who often hear endless criticism, nagging, and complaining about their poor performance. If you’re used to using praise as a motivator, you may have a tough time finding something praiseworthy with your teen. That’s why we suggest encouragement because it works even when your kids are in the dumps and making mistakes.

One place to make sure everyone gets a compliment or appreciation is the family meeting. If you have weekly meetings and start each meeting with something positive, your teens might want to be at the meeting for that alone. A fifteen-year-old boy said his favorite time of the week was the appreciation/compliments he got at the family meeting.

During the week, look for ways to let your kids know how unique they are, what you appreciate about them, how adorable they were as little kids. Tell them stories about what they used to do when they were younger. Ask them if there’s something they wish people would say about them or like about them or notice about them, and then make sure you tell them exactly what they want to hear. They will like hearing it, even if they told you what they wanted.

Humor

Teenagers enjoy a sense of humor and respond to it much better than to lectures and nagging. The following situations illustrate how parents use humor to invite cooperation and to lighten things up.

When a teenage girl forgot to set the table, her mother served the dinner directly onto the table. Everyone laughed at the absurdity of the situation. The table was set on time from then on.

Peter was a father of three teens who used betting and guessing games to motivate the children and add humor to a situation. When Peter noticed the chores weren't getting done as agreed, he'd say, "Someone forgot to do something they agreed to. I'll give a dollar to the first person who guesses what it is." The teens ran around the house trying to find out who the culprit was so they could win a dollar.

Another time Peter said, "I'll bet two dollars you can't finish your yard work before the football game starts." He was effective using bets and games because they were infrequent and unexpected. Had Peter tried using bets as rewards and bribes, his children would have felt less respected because he would have inferred the only reason his teens helped the family was for the money.

Let’s Make A Deal and Using Collateral

“I’ll make you a deal. If you walk the dog for me on weekdays, I’ll do a special favor for you on weekends.”

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll pick you and your friends up from the movie if you can find another parent to take you there.”

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll match whatever you save for that new sweater (guitar, game, etc.)"

Collateral works really well with teens. If they want to borrow something of yours, they need to give you collateral which you will return when they return the item. Good collateral might be a favorite piece of clothing, an iPod, an iPad, a cell phone, etc. It needs to be an item that has value to your teen.

Motivation Through Involvement

Dana shared the following at a parenting class: “My daughter, Sage, is doing exceptionally well in school. She is getting the highest score on most tests, and she is not feeling challenged. At the last Parent Teacher Conference she asked for more challenging work from her teacher. Other members of the group wanted to know what Dana did to motivate Sage to do so well.”

Dana then shared the following: “I have learned that what works well with Sage is explaining to her the benefit of doing well.  I use every opportunity I can to point them out to her.  When she learns something new, I take it to the next level with more information and then point out to her that is what is so cool about learning, that you learn one new thing and it opens up a whole new world.” 

Joint Problem Solving Works with Teens

Four Steps for Joint Problem Solving

1. Teen shares his or her issues and goals.
2. Parent shares his or her issues and goals.
3. If goals of teen and parent are far apart, brainstorm to find options.
4. Teen and parent pick an option they can both live with and try it out for a short time.

Follow-Through

The teen motivators we have discussed so far, are fairly quick and easy. Follow-through is more complicated and requires more guidance on your part, but it is worth the effort because it is a surefire method that really helps teens keep their agreements. Follow-through is an excellent alternative to authoritarian methods or permissiveness. With follow-through, you can meet the needs of the situation while maintaining dignity and respect for all concerned. Follow-through is also a way to help teens learn the life skills they need in order to feel good about themselves while learning to be contributing members of society.

Follow-through is a respectful, four-step approach to parenting teens that teaches cooperation, life skills, and responsibility in spite of resistance. It works whether you are trying to move your teen away from the computer, join the family, or keep up responsibilities to themselves and the family. The key is that follow-through involves you, because you are the only one who does the follow-through. The result is that your teen also follows through, but rarely without your participation. Think of this as one of your main co-pilot duties.

The Four Steps for Effective Follow-Through

1. Have a friendly discussion with your teen to gather information about what is happening regarding the problem. (Listen first and then share your thoughts.)
2. Brainstorm solutions with your teen. (Use your humor and throw in some exaggerations.) Choose one that both you and your teen can agree to. Finding a solution you both like may take some negotiating, because your favorite solution may be different from your teen's favorite.
3. Agree on a date and time deadline.
4. Understand teens well enough to know that the deadline probably won’t be met and simply follow through on the agreement by kindly and firmly holding your teen accountable.

Before we provide examples of effective follow-through, it is important to understand the traps that defeat follow-through.

Four Traps That Defeat Follow-Through

1. Believing that teens think the way you think and have the same priorities you have.
2. Getting into judgments and criticism instead of sticking to the issue.
3. Not getting agreements in advance that include a specific time deadline.
4. Not maintaining dignity and respect for yourself and your teen

In our workshops, to help parents learn the art of follow-through and to show them that it really does work, we often ask for a volunteer to role-play a teen who has not kept an agreement to do a task, such as mowing the lawn. We then point to the Four Steps for Effective Follow-Through and ask the volunteer to pretend we have already gone through them as a parent and a teen. To set up the role-play, we ask the teen to sit in a chair and pretend he or she is playing a video game. The deadline has arrived, but the task is not done. We then role-play the adult who follows-through by using the following Four Hints for Effective Follow-Through.

Four Hints for Effective Follow-Through

1. Keep comments simple, concise, and friendly. ("I notice you didn't do your task. Would you please do that now?")
2. In response to objections, ask, "What was our agreement?"
3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. (Point to your watch after every argument. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again.) It helps to understand the concept of "less is more." The less you say the more effective you will be. The more you say, the more ammunition you give your kids for an argument—which they will win every time.
4. When your teen concedes (sometimes with great annoyance), say, "Thank you for keeping our agreement."

One thing we ask of the volunteer role-playing the teen is to be in the present moment. By this we mean the volunteer should respond to what is being done now rather than responding in ways that a teen would react to disrespectful methods. When the volunteer does this, it is amazing how quickly the "teen" comes to agreement (after a little resistance).

Kind and Firm Parenting Skills To Remember

1. You can motivate your teens with encouragement which is very different from trying to get your teens to do what you want.
2. Humor, collateral, let’s make a deal, and involvement are positive motivation tools.
3. There is one surefire way to get your kids to keep their agreements, and it's called follow-through. It may be a lot of work for you in the beginning, but it will be worth every minute of the time you spend to train both you and your teen to use better habits.
4. Read the four steps, the four traps, and the four hints for successful follow- through again and again, because they are very different from how you would normally respond as a parent—and as a human.
5. You must be there at the first deadline to set up the follow-through. It won't work in the long run without you there in the beginning.
6. If you whine or complain that using follow-through is too much work, track how much time you spend reminding and nagging your teen instead. Notice the effect that nagging has on you and on your teen. Keep a checklist of how often the task you are nagging about actually gets done. We call this a reality check.
7. Follow-through will help you use fewer words and your kids will hear you better.
8. Don't hesitate to prepare in advance and maybe even practice with a friend. You can always listen to the "Empowering Teenagers and Yourself in the Process" audiotapes for a live demonstration. It helps! (They can be found on our web site at www.positivediscipline.com )
9. We do not recommend making contracts with your teens. If you need to write information down as a reminder for both of you, that is respectful and effective. Setting up a contract means you are treating your teenager like a client or an adversary. If you do sign a contract, don't be surprised by your teen's attitudes.

Taken from: http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/teenmotivation.html