WEEK OF NOVEMBER 4 - 8

How to Study Mathematics

Written by Paul Dawkins

Before I get into the tips for how to study math let me first say that everyone studies differently and there is no one right way to study for a math class. There are a lot of tips in this document and there is a pretty good chance that you will not agree with all of them or find that you can’t do all of them due to time constraints. There is nothing wrong with that. We all study differently and all that anyone can ask of us is that we do the best that we can. It is my intent with these tips to help you do the best that you can given the time that you’ve got to work with.

Now, I figure that there are two groups of people here reading this document, those that are happy with their grade, but are interested in what I’ve got to say and those that are not happy with their grade and want some ideas on how to improve. Here are a couple of quick comments for each of these groups.

If you have a study routine that you are happy with and you are getting the grade you want from your math class you may find this an interesting read. There is, of course, no reason to change your study habits if you’ve been successful with them in the past. However, you might benefit from a comparison of your study habits to the tips presented here.

If you are not happy with your grade in your math class and you are looking for ways to improve your grade there are a couple of general comments that I need to get out of the way before proceeding with the tips. Most people who are doing poorly in a math class fall into three main categories.

The first category consists of the largest group of students and these are students that just do not have good study habits and/or don’t really understand how to study for a math class. Students in this category should find these tips helpful and while you may not be able to follow all of them hopefully you will be able to follow enough of them to improve your study skills.

The next category is the people who spend hours each day studying and still don’t do well. Most of the people in this category suffer from inefficient study habits and hopefully this set of notes will help you to study more efficiently and not waste time.

The final category is those people who simply aren’t spending enough time studying. Students are in this category for a variety of reasons. Some students have job and/or family commitments that prevent them from spending the time needed to be successful in a math class. To be honest there isn’t a whole lot that I can do for you if that is your case other than hopefully you will become a more efficient in your studies after you are through reading this. The vast majority of the students in this category unfortunately, don’t realize that they are in this category. Many don’t realize how much time you need to spend on studying in order to be successful in a math class. Hopefully reading this document will help you to realize that you do need to study more. Many simply aren’t willing to make the time to study as there are other things in their lives that are more important to them. While that is a decision that you will have to make, realize that eventually you will have to take the time if you want to pass your math course.

Now, with all of that out of the way let’s get into the tips. I’ve tried to break down the hints and advice here into specific areas such as general study tips, doing homework,, studying for exams, etc. However, there are three broad, general areas that all of these tips will fall into.

Math is Not a Spectator Sport

You cannot learn mathematics by just going to class and watching the instructor lecture and work problems. In order to learn mathematics you must be actively involved in the learning process. You’ve got to attend class and pay attention while in class. You’ve got to take a good set of notes. You’ve got to work homework problems, even if the instructor doesn’t assign any. You’ve got to study on a regular schedule, not just the night before exams. In other words you need to be involved in the learning process.

The reality is that most people really need to work to pass a math class, and in general they need to work harder at math classes than they do with their other classes. If all that you’re willing to do is spend a couple of hours studying before each exam then you will find that passing most math classes will be very difficult.

If you aren’t willing to be actively involved in the process of learning mathematics, both inside and outside of the class room, then you will have trouble passing any math class.

Work to Understand the Principles

You can pass a history class by simply memorizing a set of dates, names and events. You will find, however, that in order to pass a math class you will need to do more than just memorize a set of formulas. While there is certainly a fair amount of memorization of formulas in a math class you need to do more. You need to understand how to USE the formulas and that is often far different from just memorizing them.

Some formulas have restrictions on them that you need to know in order to correctly use them. For instance, in order to use the quadratic formula you must have the quadratic in standard form first. You need to remember this or you will often get the wrong answer!

Other formulas are very general and require you to identify the parts in the problem that correspond to parts in the formula. If you don’t understand how the formula works and the principle behind it, it can often be very difficult to use the formula. For example, in a calculus course it’s not terribly difficult to memorize the formula for integration by parts for integrals. However, if you don’t understand how to actually use the formula and identify the appropriate parts of the integral you will find the memorized formula worthless.

Mathematics is Cumulative

You’ve always got to remember that mathematics courses are cumulative. Almost everything you do in a math class will depend on subjects that you’ve previously learned. This goes beyond just knowing the previous sections in your current class to needing to remember material from previous classes.

You will find a college algebra class to be very difficult without the knowledge that you learned in your high school algebra class. You can’t do a calculus class without first taking (and understanding) an Algebra and a Trigonometry class.

So, with these three main ideas in mind let’s proceed with some more specific tips to studying for a math class. Note as well that several of the tips show up in multiple sections since they are either super important tips or simply can fall under several general topics.

General Tips for Studying Mathematics

These are some general tips that were either important enough to single out or just didn’t seem to fit into any of the other sections.

• Go To Class. Remember that math is cumulative. If you don’t go to class you will miss important material that will be used in later sections and/or important announcements.

• Get to Class On Time. Sometime important announcements are only given during the first few minutes of a class.

• LISTEN During Class. In order to get something out of the class you need to listen while in class. Often this can be difficult to do but it is very important. Sometimes important ideas will not be written down on the board, but instead just spoken by the instructor. Watch for things the instructor emphasizes, even if just in words. This often means the instructor thinks it’s important. The more important that an instructor thinks a topic is, the more likely that it will show up on the exam!

• Take Good Notes. Try to write down everything that instructor puts on board. It may seem easy when watching the instructor, but it often is not so easy when it comes time for you to do it. A good set of notes will help remind you how to do these problems. For some instructors writing down everything may be difficult. In these cases you should try to write down as much as possible. Note as well that this seems to contradict the previous tip. It is often hard to both listen and take a good set of notes. This is something that one often only gains with practice. You need to be able to listen while you are writing down the important parts of the lecture.

• If you find that you are having trouble both listening and taking good notes then you might consider bringing in a tape recorder and record the lecture. Note however that prior to doing this you should first speak with your instructor. There are a few instructors out there in the world that do not like to have their lectures recorded.

• Ask Questions. If you don’t understand something then ask your instructor. Chances are you are not the only one who doesn’t understand.

• Listen When Others Ask Questions. When other students ask questions make sure you listen to both the question and the answer. It may be that the student asking the question thought of something that you didn’t think of.

• Review Notes after Class. After each class you should review your notes. Note the topics that you found confusing and formulate questions that you can ask your instructor or tutor to help you understand the topic.

• Make a Set of Index Cards. Make a set of index cards with important formulas and concepts on them. You can carry these around with you to look over when you’ve got a few spare minutes. Use them to help you memorize the important formulas and concepts.

• Learn The (Proper) Notation. Instructors will assume you know it so you’ll need to and many instructors will take points off for bad notation.

• Get Into A Study Group. It is often helpful to study in groups. People often look at things differently so someone else may see how to solve a problem that can’t do or understand a topic that you find confusing.

• Note Due Dates. Write down the due dates for homework and dates for exams someplace you’ll see them so you don’t forget about them.

• Budget Adequate Time For Studying/Homework. It often takes more time studying mathematics to learn the subject than you may require in other classes. Homework will often take more time than you had originally thought it would. Keep this in mind as you budget time.

• Do Homework After Each Class. At the end of each class budget some time to look over the homework from that days lecture and attempt to do it Doing this will allow you time to really work at understanding the concepts covered that day. Do not wait until the last minute to do the homework as this often results in an incomplete homework set and/or an incomplete understanding of the concept.

• Do Homework Without Notes and Book. After the first few homework problems, put your notes and book up and try to do the remaining problems without referring to your notes and/or book. In most cases you will not have these during your exams so get used to doing problems without them.

• Do More Homework. Do not limit yourself to just the homework that your instructor assigns. The more problems that you work the better off you’ll be.

• Practice, Practice, Practice. Practice as much as possible. The only way to really learn how to do problems is work lots of them. The more you work, the better prepared you will be, come exam time.

• Persevere. You will not just instantly get every topic that is covered in a math class. There will be some topics that you will have to work at before you

completely understand. The only way to really grasp some topics is to go home and think about it and work some problems. You will often find that after a little work a topic that initially baffled you will all of a sudden make sense.

• Keep Old Homework and Exams. Do not throw away homework and exams once you get them back. The homework is a good source of study material for exams and both the homework and exams is a good source of study material for comprehensive final exams (if you’ve got one).

• Don’t Forget Your Textbook. If you get stuck on a topic that was discussed in class do not forget that you do have a textbook. Often the text book will contain examples not worked in class and/or a different approach to a problem.

• Seek Help If You Need It. If you are having trouble with your math class you have many options open to you and you should take advantage of them. You can go to your instructor’s office hours, go to the tutoring room or hire a tutor to get help. Here at Lamar University we have a free math tutoring room located in Lucas 209. You can get a current list of tutors for hire at http://www.math.lamar.edu/tutorlist.asp or by visiting the departmental office in Lucas 200.

• Have the Proper Attitude. Always do the best that you can. Do not do try to do just enough to get by. Doing this can lead to major problems if you aren’t careful. If you are trying to do just enough to get by then all it takes is one bad exam and you are now failing the course. You should always do the best that you can and strive for the best grade that you can possible get.

Taking Notes

Here are a couple of tips for taking notes in the class.

• Listen in Class. Do not just write down what you see on the board. No instructor is going to write down every word they say and sometimes the important ideas won’t get written down.

• Write Down Explanatory Remarks. Make sure you write down any explanatory remarks the instructor makes. These often won’t get written down by the instructor, but can tell you how to work a particular kind of problem or why the instructor used one formula/method over another for a given problem.

• Note Important Formulas/Concepts. If an instructor emphasizes a particular formula or concept then make note of it. This probably means the instructor feels that it’s important and important formulas and concepts are much more likely to show up on an exam.

• Question Your Instructor. If you are unclear on something ask questions.

• Note Topics You Don’t Understand. If you are having trouble understanding something being presented note that in the margin and at least write down the key words. Leave yourself a couple of lines so you can fill in the missing details later once you’ve gotten help to understand the concept.

• Review/Edit Your Notes. As soon you can after class go back over your notes. Look for any errors and/or omissions. Fill in any information you didn’t have time to write down in class.

• Review Regularly. At regular intervals sit down and review your notes so that you can learn and retain the information. Remember, that this information will probably be required down the road so it’s best to learn it as soon as possible.

Getting Help

Getting help when you are in trouble is one of the most important things that you can do in a math class. Here are a couple of things that you can do the get help.

• Get Help When You Need It. Do not wait until the last minute to get help. When you start running into problems it is time to get help. Remember that math is cumulative. If you don’t get help right away you will only be making it all that more difficult to understand future material.

• Ask Questions in Class. This way you get the help you need AND stay actively involved in the class.

• Visit the Instructor’s Office Hours. The instructor has office hours for a reason, so use them!

• Form a Study Group. Many people find it convenient to study in a group. Different people will see things differently and may see a way to work a problem that you don’t know how to do.

• Go to the Tutor Lab. If your school has a free math tutoring lab (many do and many don’t) then make use of it! That’s what it’s there for. Here at Lamar University the free math tutoring lab located in Lucas 209.

• Get a Private Tutor. You can always hire a private tutor for some help. In almost every school you will find people who are willing to tutor you for a fee. Most math departments keep a list of tutors or can tell you where you might be able to find one. If you are here at Lamar University you can access a list of current tutors at http://www.math.lamar.edu/TutorList.aspx or stop by the Math Departments office in Lucas 200 for a list.

• Ask Good Questions. Saying “I don’t understand this section.” or “I don’t get it.” is not the best way to seek help. It just doesn’t imply what you’re having trouble with and so will probably not get your questions answered. Be specific with your questions. What exactly is it about this section don’t you understand? Many instructors won’t help you unless you do have specific questions and/or can articulate exactly what it is that you don’t understand and/or “get”. If you really don’t understand a given section that is okay, but be prepared to tell your instructor just what is causing the problems. Do you not understand the concept? Are you having trouble getting the problems started? Are you having trouble identifying how the problems use the ideas in the given section?

• Have Attempted Work With You. When you get help make sure and bring the attempts that you’ve made on the problem. This will help the person helping you to understand just where you’re having problem. Again, many instructors won’t help you unless you’ve got something to show that you’ve at least attempted a problem. If you really don’t understand how to even start the problem then bring in work for other problems in that section that you have done. This accomplishes two things. First, it shows the instructor that you have been working and second, it gives the instructor something to look at to see just where you’re having trouble understanding the problem you’re trying to work.

Homework

Note that this section contains some general tips on making the most out of your homework. The next section contains tips on actually working homework problems.

• Understand the Purpose of Homework. Instructors do not give you homework assignments to make your life miserable (well some might, but most don’t!). Homework assignments are given to help you to learn the material in the class and to develop good reasoning and problems solving skills. Mathematics is just not a subject that most people will instantly understand every single topic after hearing the instructors lecture. Most people need to work on some problems in order to really start to understand the topic. That is the point of the homework. It gives you a set of problems that will help you to understand the topics. Remember that it almost always seems easier to watch an instructor doing problems on the board than it actually is. You won’t know if you truly understand the material and can do the problem if you don’t attempt the homework.

• Have The Actual Assignment. This may seem like a silly tip, but make sure that you accurately write down the assignment and due date. This is one of the more common mistakes that students make with homework.

• Do the Assignment Promptly. You should always do the assignment as soon after the lecture as possible while the lecture is still fresh in your mind. Do not wait until the last minute to do the whole assignment when comments made by the instructor are no longer fresh in your mind. Often these little asides that an instructor makes won’t seem important at the time, but when it comes time to doing the homework the reason for making the comment will become clear.

• Be Organized. When you start working on homework make sure that you’ve got all the materials that you’ll need to do the homework such as notes and textbook.

• Review. Go back over the lecture for each section and review any examples that the instructor worked to make sure that you understand the ideas from that section. Make note of any common errors that your instructor may have mentioned. Do the same with the text book. Read the section and note examples worked and common errors mentioned in the text book.

One of the biggest roadblocks in doing homework that I’ve seen in many students is that they completely ignore the notes and/or text. They look at a problem and if they can’t see how to do it they give up and go to the next problem. Often there will be a similar problem in the notes and/or text that can help you to get started!

• Read/Follow the Directions. Make sure that you read and follow all the directions for both the homework set and the individual problems.

• Be Neat. Make sure that you write neatly. This will help the instructor as he/she is grading the assignment and you when you are going over the assignment in preparation for an exam.

• Show All Work. Make sure that you show all of your work. Do not just give the answer. Many instructors will not accept homework that consists only of answers and no work. Also, do not skip large chunks of the work. Instructors aren’t mind readers and so they won’t know how you got from Step 1 to Step 3 unless you also show Step 2. This is also important if you made a mistake in Step 2. If the instructor can’t determine how you got from Step 1 to Step 3 you’re liable to lose far more points than you would have lost for the error in Step 2 had you shown it. Showing your work will also help you when you are reviewing for the exam.

• Check Your Work. Always go back over your work and make sure that you’ve not made any simple arithmetic/sign errors.

Problem Solving

In the previous section there were some general tips in regards to homework sets as a whole. Here are some tips to help you actually work the problems. Note that some of the ideas were important enough that they are actually in both sections.

• Read the Problem. Read the problem to get an idea of what you’re being asked to do. This one of the biggest sources of point loss that I’ve seen in grading. Too many students just skim the problem and assume they know what’s going on and what they are being asked to do.

• Read the Problem Again. Now that you know what you’re being asked to do, read the problem again. This time around make note of what you are given and what you need to find. Also make sure that you understand just what you’re being asked to do.

• Clearly Note What You Are Asked to Find. Clearly write down somewhere what you’re being asked to find.

• Clearly Note What You Know. Clearly write down somewhere all the information you’ve been given.

• Draw a Diagram. If appropriate draw a diagram and label what you know and what you need to find. Often diagrams will suggest the solution technique, so it’s a good idea to get into the habit of drawing them.

• Devise a Plan. Try to figure out what you’re going to need to work the problem. Identify formulas that may help you. See if there are any intermediate steps/answers that will be needed in order to arrive at the final answer.

• Work a Similar Problem. If you can’t figure out how to work the problem find a similar problem that is simpler. Work this then go back and compare what you did in the simpler problem to the problem you’re asked to do.

• Work the Plan. Once you’ve got the plan, work it out to get the answer.

• Check Your Solution. Is the answer in proper form? Does your answer make sense? If possible, plug your answer back into the original problem as a check.

• Go Back Over the Problem. Once you’re satisfied that you’ve got the correct answer go back over the problem. Identify concepts/methods/formulas that were used for the problem. Try to understand why these concepts/methods/formulas were used on this problem. Look for identifying characteristics that will help you identify this kind of problem in the future.

Studying for Exams

Here are some tips on studying for exams.

• Start on Day One. You should always be studying for the next exam. Do a little each day, or at the very least start studying 2 – 3 days before the exam. Do NOT start studying the night before the exam. Cramming, while a time honored college tradition, just doesn’t work as well as spending time each day studying, especially with a math class.

• Get a Good Nights Sleep. Get a good nights sleep the night before the exam. It is important to be well rested and mentally sharp when you take the exam.

• Make a List of Important Concepts/Formulas. Review your notes and make a concise list of important concepts and formulas. Make sure you know these formulas and more importantly how to use them!

• Rework Homework Problems. Do not just read over the homework problems. Actually rework them. Writing down the steps will help you to remember them. Make sure that you try to do the problems without looking at the solutions.

• Rework Book/Notes Examples. Cover up the solutions to book or note examples and try to rework them. When looking for problems from the book don’t forget that most books have a review section at the end of each chapter that usually contains more problems.

• Look for Identifying Characteristics in Problems. While doing your homework you knew which section it came out of. This provided some clues as to the solution process. During an exam you won’t have this to help you. So, while reviewing your homework look for identifying characteristics that will give you clues on how to identify that kind of problem.

• Take a Practice Exam. Find some problems and treat them a practice test. Give yourself a time limit and don’t use your notes or book.

Taking an Exam

Taking exams is probably one of the most important things that you’ll do in a math class and so it’s important to do the best that you can. Here are some ideas that will help you while you’re taking an exam.

• RELAX!!! This is the first step to successfully taking an exam. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the hardest things to do. The more worked up and nervous you are during the exam the more likely you are to forget something or blank out. The worst thing that you can do in an exam is panic.

• Be Smart. By this I mean be smart as you take the exam. You should go over the exam three times. First, go over the exam and work all the problems that you KNOW you can do. Second, work all the problems that you think you can do, but aren’t sure. Last, go back and work the remaining problems. In this way you will get all the points that you know you can get.

• Be Time Efficient. Watch the clock. Don’t spend a huge amount of time trying to get the points for one problem! If you spend too much time trying to get the points for one problem, you may not be able to finish the exam and lose more points than you gained by taking all that time for that one problem.

• If You’re Stuck Move On. If you find that you’re stuck on a problem, move on to a different problem and come back later to finish the problem. Don’t waste time trying to get 10 points and then not be able to finish and miss 20 points because you ran out of time. Note that is really the same as the previous tip, but it was important enough to make again and in a different way.

• Show All Your Work. Make it as easy as possible for the instructor to see how much you do know. Try to write a well-reasoned solution. If your answer is incorrect, the instructor will assign partial credit based on the work you show. Don’t leave it to the instructor to read your mind trying to figure out if you knew what you were doing or not.

• Never Leave a Problem Blank. You should never leave a problem blank. Even if you don’t know how to finish the problem, write down as much as you do know. The instructor can only give partial credit if there is something written down for the problem. Writing something down is not a guarantee of partial credit, but not writing anything down is a guarantee of no partial credit!

• Read the Problem. Make sure that you read the questions carefully and completely before you answer the question. If the instructor asks for the answer to be written in a specific form then make sure that you do that.

• Does Your Answer Make Sense? Make sure you’ve gotten an answer that makes sense.

• Recheck Your Work. If time permits go back over the exam and check every problem. This means completely rework the problem from scratch.

Learn From Your Errors

This is probably one of the more important sections here and also one of the most over looked. Learning from your mistakes can only help you.

• Review Homework. When you get your homework back review it looking for errors that you made.

• Review Exams. Do the same thing with exams.

• Understand the Error. When you find an error in your homework or exams try to understand what the error is and just what you did wrong. Look for something about the error that you can remember to help you to avoid making it again.

• Get Help. If you can find the error and/or don’t understand why it was an error then get help. Ask the instructor, your tutor, or a classmate who got the problem correct.

• Rushed Errors. If you find yourself continually making silly arithmetic or notational errors then slow down when you are working the problems. Most of these types of errors happen because students get in a hurry and don’t pay attention to what they are doing.

• Repeated Errors. If you find yourself continually making errors on one particular type of problem then you probably don’t have a really good grasp of the concept behind that type of problem. Go back and find more examples and really try to understand just what you are doing wrong or don’t understand.

• Keep a List of Errors. Put errors that you keep making in a “list of errors”. With each error write down the correct method/solution. Review the list after you complete a problem and see if you’ve made any of your “common” errors.

© Paul Dawkins 2006 11 http://tutorial.math.lamar.edu/terms.aspx

WEEK OF OCTOBER 28 – NOVEMBER 1

Disrespectful Kids and Teens: 5 Rules to Help You Handle Their Behavior by Janet Lehman, MSW

A recent viral video of a group of pre-teen kids bullying and berating an elderly bus monitor showed us just how pervasive it is in society for children and teens to be rude and disrespectful to adults. Sadly, this kind of behavior from kids is everywhere, and it only seems to be getting worse.

Parenting is not a popularity contest. You need to be in control and you need to set some limits. Your child is not your partner or your peer.

Some of it can be chalked up to the fact that our culture—movies, music, internet sites and television—often glorifies disrespectful, crude or even cruel behavior. Kids are taught by pop culture to think it’s cool to talk back and put down parents and teachers. Added to this dynamic is the fact that Baby Boomers and Gen Xers are generally less authoritarian and more submissive than prior generations were, and therefore much less likely to say no to their kids. On top of this, stress levels are extremely high—in most households, both parents are working and might be worried about jobs, bills and other financial or personal strains. Many (if not most) parents are simply unable to devote the time and attention that it takes to sit down and thoroughly handle every situation that comes up with their kids.

When Did My Child Turn into a Pill?

Disrespectful behavior—cursing, yelling, arguing, ignoring you, refusing requests, name-calling—is a kind of wakeup call to parents. It’s telling you that you need to be in control of the situation more and set better limits. This is a process that happens over time. Once you change how you respond to your kid’s disrespectful behavior, it doesn’t mean that their behavior is going to change right away. It takes time and you will need to stick with it.

Before I tell you how to handle disrespectful behavior in your child, let’s talk a little about what’s going on with them. If your kid has suddenly started talking back, rolling her eyes and copping an attitude, as annoying and difficult as it is to deal with, disrespectful behavior is actually a normal part of adolescence. In fact, if it shows up all of a sudden, it probably is just adolescence—your child’s way of pushing away from you and “individuating”, or working at separating from you and becoming their own person. This is a painful thing to do—not that most adolescents would admit it! The truth is, it’s difficult to push away from your parents and move toward adulthood. Sometimes it’s easier for kids just to be rude and disrespectful—but of course, that’s not acceptable behavior!

Disrespectful behavior often comes down to kids having poor problem-solving skills and a lack of knowledge about how to be more respectful as they pull away. Often when kids separate from you they do it all wrong before they learn how to do it right. Finding one’s self is a lifelong process, and your job as a parent is to teach your child how to behave appropriately and to be respectful toward others as they grow up.

If your child has been disrespectful most of their life and it’s not just something that came on primarily in adolescence, then it’s much harder to handle. A change needs to happen in how you manage their behavior, and change is always tough. Even if you haven’t been good at setting limits or teaching your child to be respectful along the way, understand that you can decide to parent differently at any point in your life.

When my son was in high school, he asked to go to a concert and we said “no” because, among other things, he and his friends were planning to drive out of state for it and sleep in his car afterward. Our son was rude and disrespectful as he walked away from us and yelled “I hate you!” before slamming his bedroom door. We took his car keys away because we didn't want him to drive until we'd resolved the issue. We said, "When you're calm, come downstairs and we'll talk about it." Later we sat down with him and explained that he didn't have to like what we'd decided and that it was okay to be angry with us, but it was not okay to show that kind of behavior. This was a painful incident for all of us, but we made sure not to get pulled into a power struggle with him over it.

It’s inevitable that at times our kids are going to be angry at us, and that we’re going to set some limits that they don’t like. But that’s okay—that just means you’re doing your job as a parent. Here are 5 rules that will help you handle disrespect:

1. Don’t take it personally. I know this is a hard one, but try not to take what your child is saying or doing personally. This behavior really is all about them individuating, and not about you. Instead of allowing yourself to feel hurt or angry (which is a surefire way to get pulled into a power struggle), be clear and direct with your child. If they’re being mildly sassy and starting to push some boundaries, you can say, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it,” and then turn around and walk away. Tell them the behavior is wrong and then disengage from them. If your child’s behavior warrants a consequence, you can say, “It’s not okay to call me names or swear when I tell you can’t go to your friend’s house. I’m taking your cell phone for two hours. During that time, you need to show me you can behave respectfully to people in this house. If you swear or are rude again, the two hours will start over.” Remember, it doesn’t matter if your child likes you right now. This is about doing the right thing, and asking yourself, "What do I want to teach my child?"

Parenting is not a popularity contest. You need to be in control and you need to set some limits. Your child is not your partner or your peer. Your role as parent is vital—you are in charge and your child is relying on you to lead the way.

2. Be prepared. Know that some rude or disrespectful behavior is normal in adolescence, and be prepared for it. If it’s already happened once, you need to anticipate that it may happen again and then plan what you’re going to do about it. State your limits, then turn around and walk away. Remember, you don’t have to attend every fight—or power struggle—your child invites you to.

If your child has been extremely disrespectful because they really haven’t had limits around that behavior, this will take real work. Once you’ve set a limit and responded appropriately to the disrespect, again, do not get pulled into the power struggle. If you can do this once, it makes it easier to do it again. Just say to yourself, “As a parent I’m doing the right thing by setting these limits.”

Where should you draw the line with disrespectful behavior? I think every parent has a different line for their kids, and you’re going to know what that line is. Plan ahead and let your child know. You can say, “You swore at me the last time I said you couldn’t go to a concert. I don’t want you to do that again. If you do, there will be a consequence.” If there is an incident, be sure to talk with them once everybody cools down. Set limits when everyone is calm rather than in the heat of the moment.

3. Avoid power struggles at all costs. Once you’re embroiled in a power struggle, you’ve lost. But what do you do when your kid is swearing in your face, calling you names, ignoring you or trying to boss you around? That’s where that internal dialogue is so important. Don’t take it personally. Your job is to parent your child and teach him to behave differently. I think most of us have triggers when our kids are disrespectful and then we end up getting sucked into arguments with them. If your child has drawn you into a fight with disrespectful behavior in the past, be prepared that he will try to do it again. And then know what you’re going to do next time. Are you going to set a limit? Are you going to make your statement, give the expectations and not get caught up in your child’s words? Plan ahead. You might decide to give a consequence for the behavior and then have a follow-up discussion about what happened. The goal is that you teach your child to behave differently. Let’s face it, there’s nothing worse than going through life treating people badly—it won’t help your child function in the real world if he’s allowed to be rude and disrespectful. Kids have to get the message.

4. Be determined. If you want things to be different, you’ll have to make up your mind to do them differently and stick with it. It’s hard at first, but it’s really rewarding when things begin to change. James and I used to jokingly say that kids are like uncivilized little barbarians—it’s our job, as parents, to teach them a more respectful way to deal with problems. Decide today that you are going to start doing things differently.

5. Be a Teacher and Coach. It’s your job to teach your kids to behave more respectfully and manage frustration better. The three crucial roles for you to play as a parent are Teacher, Coach and Limit Setter. We teach them how to behave, we coach them (and encourage them) when they get it right, and we set limits when they get it wrong. These three roles are really the key to being an effective parent.

Remember, the goal is for kids to be able to function in the real world and go on to be responsible adults who can live on their own. We basically want all the things for our kids that our parents wanted for us: to be financially and emotionally able to function successfully on their own. It’s our job as parents to teach and guide our kids to become more functional. If they don’t learn how to be respectful to others growing up, it’s much harder to learn as an adult. Change is hard but it can happen at any time. When you want things to be different, you just have to do some work.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/disrespectful-kids-and-teens-5-rules-to-help-you-handle-their-behavior.php#ixzz2fA82e1r9

WEEK OF OCTOBER 21 - 25

When "Good" Kids Behave Badly: Is Your Child Starting to Push Your Buttons? by Janet Lehman, MSW

Do you have a “good” kid who’s starting to act out?  All of a sudden, he’s pushing your buttons, failing to comply with rules and his bad attitude has soared through the roof. You start to wonder what happened to your child—and where you went wrong. Your parenting hasn’t changed, so what’s going on? What’s behind these changes in your kid—and more importantly, how can parents adjust and deal with them effectively?

"If your child has developed a bad attitude and is being rude and disrespectful toward you, one of the best things you can do is not take the bait."

When kids’ behavior changes—especially at that pre-adolescent age—parents start to worry, and no wonder. Suddenly the sweet child who used to want to do everything with you looks at you with embarrassment, disdain or exasperation. I think it’s important to realize that, just as your child moves on to that next phase of adolescence, you yourself are going through your own phase as a parent. This phase is really a type of grieving process as you mourn that child who might have been a loving, curious and enthusiastic little girl or boy. At the same time, you’re getting used to the new kid in your house—and that new kid can often be sullen, rude and disagreeable. And what’s worse, it often feels like it happens overnight! My husband James and I went through this with our own son, and it took some adjusting on our parts to get used to the changes.

Is It a Phase?

Here’s the truth. You wouldn’t want your child to stay little forever, so remind yourself that the fact that he’s moving on to the teen years—and all that comes with it—is actually normal and healthy. This doesn’t mean that you should put up with any rude, disrespectful, risky or defiant behaviors—far from it. I just want you to realize that what your child is going through (and how he is behaving) is probably pretty typical. Acting out behavior, as difficult as it is for parents, is often part and parcel of adolescence for most kids. Whether your child is exhibiting mild, moderate or severe acting out behaviors, it’s all hard to manage, and most parents need some support and guidance. I can’t emphasize enough that parenting programs like the Total Transformation can be really helpful for any parent. (Contrary to what many people believe, the Total Transformation actually helps parents of kids with all types of behavior, not just severe or defiant ones.)

Note: If your child exhibits a sudden or extreme change in behavior, or seems distressed, despondent or anxious for a prolonged period of time, have them seen by someone with professional diagnostic skills. Be sure to have a pediatrician rule out any underlying issues that might be causing any behavior changes.

Phases in life are real for all of us, and adolescence is one of the most chaotic times we go through in our lives. Some kids transition through these years more smoothly than others, but typically it’s a very difficult time for most. Think back to when you were a 13-year-old awash in hormones and remember how you felt. I don’t know that many of us went through that very gracefully—or would volunteer to do it again!

Along with the physical changes your child is experiencing, there are social and emotional changes as well. Her friends are changing—and all at different rates. Some kids mature physically at 13, while others won’t fully mature until they hit twenty. School becomes more challenging academically, and friendships are forming and dissolving daily. On top of that, your child is going from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school. Maybe your family made a move to a new town where your kids don’t have friends yet. Or perhaps there’s been a loss in the family, like a divorce or the death of a loved one. All of these things can be very difficult and upsetting for kids, and may cause them to act out (or withdraw and “act in”) rather than talk with you about it. So while your child’s new, disagreeable behavior could have hormonal causes, keep in mind that it might also be something exterior that’s making them act disrespectfully. Your job is to hold them accountable for their behavior regardless of the reason for it. Even parents of “good kids” who misbehave need skills to deal with the inevitable changes in behavior that happen with every kid. The truth is, you can’t just expect those changes to go away or fix themselves.

Here are five ways you can effectively deal with your child’s behavior changes.

1. Know your child. A big piece of the puzzle here is that you really need to know your child. Does your daughter get grumpy when she’s getting sick? Is your son a pill when his team loses? You have to be a parenting detective sometimes. Ask yourself, “Is my child having a hard time at school? Does he have an infatuation with a peer? Is he being bullied by other students at school?” Knowing your child helps you determine whether what’s going on is something situational, that should pass quickly – like a team loss – or something that may become more problematic – like consistently rude behavior.

2. Talk to Your Child. Sometimes there’s nothing outward that you can point to—everything seems normal, but your child is in a foul mood that seems to last for days. In some cases, the best thing to do is talk to them first. Starting  that conversation really depends on the age of your child, but it’s always best to come out and say that you’ve noticed they seem a little less happy than they used to. Or you’re concerned about them because they used to seem to enjoy things more. And really listen to what your child has to say. If they can’t tell you what’s wrong, depending on your child’s age, you might check with their teacher or other parents. Sometimes you can get a sense of how the kids are doing in general in your child’s group or grade. Maybe there’s a lot of bullying going on in your school and you didn’t even know about it.

3. Don’t Give the Behavior Power. While it’s good to know the cause of your child’s behavior, it’s also important that you don’t give it too much power. If your child has developed a bad attitude and is being rude and disrespectful toward you, one of the best things you can do is not take the bait. Keep the expectations in your house clear: “In our family, we treat each other with respect.” Don’t get sucked into a power struggle and argue the point—remember, you don’t need to attend every fight you’re invited to. If your child has acted out, wait until you’re both calm and then you can give them consequences for their behavior if that’s what’s warranted. But don’t give their bad attitude or backtalk power in the moment, because that only teaches your child that they can push your buttons.

4. Pull back and don’t react. Like most of us, you’ve probably reacted the same way every time with your child when she has acted out, and it didn’t do any good. So take some time and really think about what’s called for in the situation. Ask, “What direction do I need to go here? What does my child need from me right now?” In the Total Transformation, we talk about the need for parents to do coaching, problem solving and limit setting with their kids. These are roles that every parent needs to play, regardless of whether or not they have a so-called “typical” kid, or one who is defiant and acts out a lot.

So take some time, think about the situation at hand, and begin to make a plan for what you will do depending on what the inappropriate behavior was. Is it something that is an ongoing problem with your child, or is it just a one-time event? Are you going to set some limits right away, or start by talking to your child first? Then follow through on what your child needs—and what you need, according to your bottom line.

5. Stake out your bottom line. It’s so important for you to figure out what your bottom line is and stick to it. If you feel that your child’s behavior was mildly disrespectful—maybe she said “whatever’ as she left the room, but complied with the request you gave her to empty the dishwasher—you might let it slide. But if your teen daughter says something sarcastic, hurtful and rude, then she’s crossed a limit. Be clear about what your bottom line is: “We don’t talk to each other that way in our house. Now hand over your cell phone. You can have it back when you speak to all of us in a polite way for the next two hours.” The other thing to remember is, when your kids are trying this stuff out, they don’t always know how it sounds—they’re pushing limits and testing boundaries. So as they push, you have to say, “Hold up. You can only push so far and here’s the limit.” Do it matter-of-factly and in a calm, neutral tone of voice. Address what needs to be addressed. And on the other side, ignore what isn’t important.

Realize that there’s also a match between what you’re going through as a parent and as a person, and what your kids are going through in their lives. When life is going more smoothly, it’s easier to cope with more challenging behaviors. If you’re under stress at work, financial strain, or having difficulties with another family member, it’s much harder to deal with a child who starts acting out. It’s important to remember that all kids have bad days and bad times. They can be hungry or tired or have problems transitioning from school to home. There are millions of reasons why kids act out or push buttons—remember, pushing buttons is just what kids do. Our job is to tell them the limits and hold them accountable for their behavior.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/when-good-kids-behave-badly-child-pushing-your-buttons.php#ixzz2fA7a8vxX

WEEK OF OCTOBER 14 - 18

Rudeness and Disrespect: How Kids Try to "Defuse" It by James Lehman, MSW

“I was just kidding! Can’t you take a joke?” If your child gives you this excuse after he’s said or done something rude, it might leave you feeling frustrated and unsure of how to handle the situation. Later, you might question yourself when he says, “But I didn’t mean it that way.” In this article, James Lehman explains why disrespect and inappropriate behavior are really nothing to laugh at—no matter what the excuse.

“But here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter to you why he does it. That’s like saying, 'He lies because he’s afraid.' That doesn’t matter; it’s an excuse.”

We all know that a sense of humor is vital. Kids learn humor from their parents, their peers, their teachers, and from T.V. They absorb it and take it all in and then they experiment. One of the things with which they experiment is how they talk to their parents. When they’re feeling hostile, lonely, depressed, or upset, one of the things they try to do is give a smart answer or sarcastic joke. There’s so much of this type of behavior on T.V. One guy says something and the other guy gives a rude response. It’s very much a part of our culture. Kids learn to mimic that kind of communication from an early age because they think it’s cool.

Kids also have peers around them using sarcastic and mean language. They pick up on that because they’re afraid that they’re going to be the next target. Often, children manage by using that humor themselves. It’s similar to a child who’s afraid of being bullied—so he becomes a bully himself. Much of this reaction and attitude is fear-based. I personally think it’s good for parents to adopt a philosophy of, “This is our home and this is the way we talk to each other. I don’t care what your friends said at school. I don’t care what your brother said in the parking lot. I’m telling you, in this home, this is how we talk to each other.” Lay that out for your kids so they understand that there’s an “inside” and an “outside.” Kids often don’t really comprehend the concept of there being an inside, which is your home, and an outside, which is the world. I think you can explain this to your child by saying, “When you’re inside, you have to follow certain rules and expectations. That’s your responsibility. If not, there will be consequences. If you’re outside, and you get yourself into trouble, then we’ll deal with that when the time comes. But at home, this is the way you need to act.”

How to Respond to: “I Was Just Kidding!” 

When your child responds to your reprimand or someone being upset with “I was just kidding,” I think you should say, “What you’re saying is hurtful. I need you to stop.” If he doesn’t stop, give him a consequence. I think an effective one is to take away two hours of phone or computer time (or whatever it is your child values) and build up from there. You can set it up by saying, “If you’re able to talk in a nice way to people for the next two hours, you get your phone back.” 

If your child lies and then says, “I was kidding,” you can say, “Well, you’re going to get consequences for that lie. Don’t kid about the truth.”

Young Kids: 

When your child is young, up until the age of six or so, you can just correct them when they’re joking in an inappropriate way. The kind of thing you would say to a young child is, “We don’t joke by saying hurtful things. And that was hurtful.”  If your child says it again, you should go ahead and give him a consequence. If your younger child uses a curse word, I also teach parents to say, “That’s a hurtful word. Don’t say it.” That way, you’re setting those limits and training him from an early age.

Adolescents: 

When kids are in early adolescence, they may develop a much more challenging way of talking to you. At that age, they’re testing adult authority and they’re pushing limits. One of the ways they push the limits is through speech. Simply put, they want to see what they can get away with. I think parents have to be very, very responsive to that. If you let your child get away with a hurtful remark once, even if they’re “joking,” watch out—it’s much harder to deal with once they turn it into a habit.

I think if your child says something inappropriate and then he says he’s only kidding, you have to make it clear that it’s not going to fly. You can say, “We don’t kid that way. If you say hurtful things when you’re kidding, you’re going to be held responsible for them. There’s no excuse for verbal abuse.” 

If you’re not sure if what your child is saying is hurtful, I think you should ask him point blank, “What did you just say?”  Speak very seriously, so your child knows you’re listening. If his comment is not way off-color or hurtful, you can say, “Oh, all right, that is funny.”  But if it is, I think you should say, “Listen, that’s a hurtful thing to say and it’s not funny. You know what we said about joking in a mean way.” And then give him a consequence.

Is this kind of behavior part of adolescence?  Absolutely. So is calling a parent by their first name instead of “Mom” and “Dad.”  These are all ways your child tests you and challenges your authority. Personally, I think it’s important to be called “Mom” and “Dad” because that’s your role as a parent. Think of it this way: your child doesn’t know how to relate to Tommy and Betty—he knows how to relate to Mom and Dad. Your title as a parent gives you authority and status. Kids will often try to test the limits by taking away your title, but I think it’s a mistake to go along with that.

“Joking” with Siblings and Others

What if your child hurts siblings’ or other people’s feelings and uses the “I was only joking” excuse? If you overhear your child being hurtful to a sibling or friend, don’t jump in right away unless it’s abusive. Try to see what the conversation is about—find out if the other child is doing the same thing. If the other child is using the same kind of language and tone, I think you have to leave it alone. Later on, you can comment and say, “I heard you and Max playing earlier today and I don’t think the things you were saying were very nice.” 

If you find the hurtful joking is a one-way street, with one child being mean or rude and the other taking it, then you should intervene. I think you can pull your child aside, correct him and then say, “What can you say differently instead of saying this?”  Hopefully he’ll think of something. If he can’t, suggest something to him. This is so important because it’s exactly what we want—we want our kids to be appropriate the next time they feel that way.

“You Take Everything Too Seriously!” 

When you start to crack down on the mean joking in your household, many kids will say something like, “We can’t have fun around here anymore because you take everything too seriously.”  I think you should say, “You’re right, I take hurtfulness very seriously. I take disrespect very seriously—and they’re no joking matter.” I think you can continue with, “On the other hand, I’ve heard you come up with jokes that aren’t disrespectful or hurtful, too. I think they’re really funny. Those are the kind of jokes that I accept. But the other ones are hurtful and I really don’t see their place in our family.”

Talk to Your Child about the Difference between Joking and Hurtful Language

I think it’s a good idea to talk to your child about the difference between joking and being hurtful—especially if you’re going to start calling them out on their language. Call them into the room and say, “That was a hurtful way to say what you said, and I don’t like it. Can you think of a different way to say it?” 

Also, catch your child when they’re being good. If they make a funny joke, say, “See, that was really funny and appropriate. I really appreciate that.” Whenever you can, catch your child being good.

If you have a child who’s gotten a lot of attention and laughs for being smart alecky and wisecracking in a hurtful way and you want to put a stop to it, I also think you need to talk to them about what they’re doing. Sit down with your child when things are going well—not when there’s a crisis or when he’s angry. If your child is sitting in the living room, sit down next to him. I would tell him that you’ve decided that you find certain things offensive and you want to talk to him about it. And then you say, “The jokes that you make, even though you say you’re only kidding, are really hurtful. And as of today, you have to stop being hurtful and sarcastic to others. If you don’t, you’re going to be held responsible for that.” Give your child room to discuss what you’ve just told him by saying, “Do you have any questions? Would you like an example? Do you understand what I mean?”  Give examples. Write some things down ahead of time.

I recommend that whenever you talk with your child, write down what you want to say on an index card in simple sentences so you don’t get distracted. If he’s resistant or explosive, you can say, “All right, well you have no video game privileges until you’re ready to talk about this.” Use the “Stop the Show” technique that I explain in the Total Transformation Program. Don’t give your child an audience for his outburst—just give him a consequence and leave the room.

I know some parents have children with behavioral or social problems who have learned to use humor to deflect or compensate for their lack of social or problem-solving skills. I’ve met many kids like that, and I was that kind of child myself. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter to you why he does it. That’s like saying, “He steals because he doesn’t have anything.” Or, “He lies because he’s afraid.” That doesn’t matter; it’s an excuse. Instead, we stop the behavior. We challenge it, we teach our kids other things, and we eliminate it— with no excuses.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rudeness-And-Disrespect-How-Kids-Try-To-Defuse-It.php#ixzz2fA75npT7

OCTOBER 7 - 11

Sassy Kids: How to Deal with a Mouthy Child by James Lehman, MSW

Are you tired of disrespectful talk from your kids? Do your children respond with eye-rolling and sarcasm to everything you say? Most—if not all—kids go through phases when they are sassy, mouthy, or disrespectful. As a parent, it’s hard to know when to let it slide—and when to address the problem. James Lehman explains where to draw the line—and tells you how you can manage sassy talk in your home.

If you don't respond to a behavior and give it power, the more likely that it will become extinct; it's going to die out like the dinosaurs.

Parents often ask me, “How do you differentiate between disrespectful, sassy or ‘fresh’ language and abusive language?” I believe these behaviors are found on a continuum—let’s call it the “Inappropriate Verbal Response Continuum.” They are triggered by your child’s emotions: primarily frustration, anger and a need to get back at others when he thinks something is unfair. On one end of the continuum is abuse. The intent of abusive language is generally a personal attack upon another person. It’s meant to hurt the other person and make them feel small and afraid. Verbal abuse often includes foul language and disturbing threats of violence designed to intimidate the other person to get them to give in.

Kids who use abusive language and behavior want to attack you so that they can control you. They don't care about consequences; they're not intimidated by them. Abusive behavior has to be handled very clearly and sternly. (I won’t be addressing verbally abusive attacks in this article. If your child’s behavior is verging on—or has already entered into the verbal abuse stage, please read “Kids Who Are Verbally Abusive: The Creation of a Defiant Child” and “How to Stop Threats and Verbal Abuse” in EP.)

Responding to Disrespectful Comments

Why do kids talk to adults in disrespectful ways? I believe children and teens do a lot of things because they don't know how to express emotions appropriately. They learn a lot from watching other kids and people around them. If your daughter is frustrated and doesn't know how to show it, and she sees somebody else roll their eyes and make a face, she’ll absorb that lesson without even thinking about it. Then the next time she’s frustrated at home, she’ll roll her eyes and make a face at you. If she gets a reaction, that will often just reinforce the behavior, because she knows she’s gotten to you. Don’t kid yourself: if you threaten your child by saying, “Don't do that to me, young lady, or you'll be grounded,” that will only make her do it more.

When my son was in middle school, for some reason he went through a period where he said, “Oh, sure,” to everything in a sarcastic way. I responded to him once or twice by saying, “Is something wrong? Why are you using that tone with me?” And he said, “What tone? I don't know what you mean.” I said, “I just don't like the way you're talking to me; try to talk better.” His answer? “Oh, sure.” I became a little frustrated, but I also knew better than to show it. I didn't want to empower that behavior—or necessarily stifle it. Instead, my wife and I allied ourselves together and were able to laugh it off; eventually, it wore itself out.

And that's the important thing to remember here. If you respond to mildly annoying behavior in a strong way repeatedly, you give it power and strength. As your child gets into adolescence, he’ll start to find ways to push your buttons. When you confront him, he'll say very innocently, “What did I say? What did I do?”

I personally think that the less you challenge it, the less you give it power. Remember, the less power you give it, the more it's going to die its natural death. That process is called “extinction.” If you don't respond to a behavior and give it power, the more likely that it will become extinct; it's going to die out like the dinosaurs. But if you feed the behavior and play with it, you’ll only nurture the disrespect. In my opinion, the worst thing you can do is challenge it inconsistently: let’s say sometimes you let it slide and then sometimes you confront your child. When you do that, those behaviors tend to become more entrenched. I understand that many times it's not easy to ignore mildly disrespectful behavior. That’s why I think it’s helpful if you can talk to your spouse, a friend or relative about it.

How to Respond to Sarcasm

In the middle of the inappropriate verbal response continuum is sarcasm. Kids generally manifest this in two ways. They either make sarcastic comments when they’re feeling like they’re under pressure, or they use chronic sarcasm as a way to manage their angry feelings safely. By “safely” I mean it’s safer to show their anger through sarcasm than it is through any other means they’ve learned.

Usually sarcasm is learned and modeled by adults, and so part of the response to sarcasm in kids is for the adults to speak differently. Many times when adults are angry at their kid’s performance, they make sarcastic comments. These comments are hurtful and kids develop a defense to that by becoming sarcastic themselves. You’ll see kids who are really cynical and sarcastic using that language in all areas of their life. Its function is to help them deflect any blame while downloading a piece of anger onto the person who’s the target.

By the way, I like it when comedians use sarcastic humor, but not when a child or adult talks to me that way, because it’s belittling. That feeling cuts down on communication. All these mechanisms—sarcasm, disrespect, sassy talk—curtail communication. When you see this behavior, you have to ask yourself, “What’s being communicated that’s making my child respond that way?” It’s usually not hard to discover what your child is threatened by that leads to sarcasm. Sometimes it’s a secret, sometimes it’s a task he hasn’t completed, and sometimes it’s a power struggle. Whatever it is, once you’ve identified it, it becomes much easier to defuse. “Don’t be sarcastic” is an appropriate thing to say. A really good question to ask is, “How come you get sarcastic whenever we talk about your history homework?” It’s effective because it both identifies the issue and puts your child on the spot.

A very powerful way to respond to sarcasm is to simply say, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it,” and turn around and walk away. That way, you’re taking all the power out of the room with you. If you argue or try to make a point, you’re giving your child more power. Another effective way of managing it is to say, “Why do you get sarcastic when I ask you about homework?” If your child says, “I don’t get sarcastic when I talk about homework,” then say, “Fine, then let’s keep going. I expect you not to be sarcastic.” If, on the other hand, your child says, "I get sarcastic because you don’t understand,” you can say, “It’s your job to make me understand. And sarcasm doesn’t help.”

When Your Child Uses Sarcasm with Siblings

When your kids use this kind of language with each other, I know it’s hard as a parent to stay out of it—but you may be surprised to hear that I think you really have to try. It’s important for all your kids to learn how to stand up for themselves. Believe me, they're going to get it in the schoolyard, on the school bus, or in the classroom no matter what. That doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it good. But the bottom line is that they need to build up a callous to these kinds of comments. Think of it this way: at the beginning of the summer, using a shovel hurts. You get blisters, and your hands are sore and tender. After awhile, they get calloused and then they don't hurt anymore. That's exactly what you want your kids to do with mildly sarcastic comments.

When something rubs your child the wrong way, try to not jump in there unless something is being said that’s really abusive, disgusting or demeaning. If that’s happening and your child escalates, intervene immediately and pull that child aside. Give him a choice of two things at that time: to either change his language, or be removed from the group. Calling your child aside is important because often the embarrassment being corrected in front of another kid or children can cause him to escalate even further. If he does, you’ll need to deal with it, but you don't want to promote the likelihood of that happening in the first place. Is it the end of the world if you give your child a consequence in front of the other kids? No, but I think those things are best dealt with privately. If your goal is to get him to change his behavior, separating him from others gives him a better chance of hearing what you’re saying.

“Duh! Nice one, Mom.”

It’s easy and natural to become irritated when your kid says, “Nice one, Mom,” or “Duh.” This is where you have to draw the line between what kind of disrespect requires your attention and what doesn't. I think that things that are not a personal attack or which are not meant to demean you can be handled by just trying to ignore them. “Planned ignoring” is the key here. Planned ignoring is the concept where you decide consciously to ignore attention-seeking behaviors as long as they’re not overtly harmful or abusive to others.

This is tricky, because there are also terms which might be considered mild by some, but which are actually put downs that I believe you need to address. When your child says, “That's stupid,” to you, make no mistake—he means you're stupid. And by the way, when you tell your child “That's stupid” and he says, “Don't call me stupid,” I don’t think you should try to play some word game with him. If you say, “Well, I didn't say you were stupid, I said the behavior was stupid,” your child is going to see right through that. My advice is, don't use the word “stupid” in a sentence when you're dealing with your child unless you want him to feel stupid. There are plenty of other words that are not demeaning. And by the same token, if your child says, “That's stupid,” you don’t have to say, “Are you calling me stupid?” You can say very clearly, “There's no name calling around this house.” I believe there should be a consequence for name calling. Set limits on it very clearly and hold your child accountable. Every time he says the word “stupid,” to someone in the family, for example, he goes to bed 15 minutes earlier or has 15 minutes less TV time. He should be held accountable from the get go.

When Your Child Says, “Do It Yourself.”

When you ask your child to do something, and he comes back with “Do it yourself,” I think your response should be very clear: “I'm not going to do it myself. I told you to do it, and you will have the following consequence until you do it.” For younger kids, you might take away a toy until they’ve complied. For older kids, you might take away video games, TV, their cell phone or iPod. In the Total Transformation Program, I call this technique, “Stop the Show.”

If your child gets rude and says, “I'm not going to do it; this isn’t my chore,” you can say, “Well, I asked you to do it and I want you to do it now.” Don't get into whose chore it is. If the noncompliance persists, then the show stops. In other words, whatever your child is doing is over for the time being. Have your child take a seat in his room without any kind of stimulation around like music or a computer. Understand that when kids get over-stimulated, they get stuck. So the first step in getting them “unstuck” is to avoid stimulating them by demanding things. Rather, take away all the stimuli that you can. Sending them to their rooms and shutting off electronics helps. Research shows that after three minutes with no stimulation, your child's body slows down. So wait for a few minutes, and then go in and say, “Let's talk about this.” Don't say, “Do you want to talk about it?” Sometimes we ask kids questions when we don't really want them to make a decision. So try saying, “Let's talk about this. I asked you to mow the lawn. You won’t be able to come out of your room until you agree to do it. Would you like to do it now or do you want to stay in your room a little longer?” And if he says, “No, I’m not doing it,” then say, “Okay, let me know when you’re ready,” and leave the room. If he wants his privileges back, he will comply eventually.

When Kids Are Fresh in Public

These days, adolescents have less fear of being sassy, mouthy or disrespectful to their parents and other adults in public. I think if they're acting that way in public, then you can correct them in public. Say, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it.” If the rude attitude doesn't stop, then take them to the car.

If your child is being smart alecky to other adults, you can use the same technique. Say “Don't talk to Mrs. Smith that way, I don't like it.” If your child persists, you can say, “Let's go. Goodbye, Mrs. Smith.” Take your child and leave. By the way, if it's another parent's child being rude to you, I still think you can say, “Don't talk to me that way Tommy, I don't like it.” Then turn away from him. Use very simple, matter-of-fact behavior. Have a serious look on your face; you don't have to look mean or angry, but don't look like you're cracking a joke either.

By the way, I don't believe in giving your child a second or third chance when he’s nasty or rude to you. I think this creates bad habits in kids. From the time you start giving him chances, your child will say to himself, “Well, the first one is free, so I won’t get in trouble if I call my mom a name.” I know it may be heartbreaking at first not to give your child a second chance, but that's the best way for him to learn.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Sassy-Kids-How-to-Deal-with-a-Mouthy-Child.php#ixzz2fA6DhqeL