Teaching Empathy: Evidence-based tips for
fostering empathy in children
© 2009 - 2014 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all
rights reserved
Teaching empathy? This might sound
strange if you think of empathy as a talent--something we either have or lack.
• A sense of self-awareness and the
ability to distinguish one’s own feelings from the feelings of others.
• Taking another person’s
perspective (or, alternatively, “putting oneself in another person’s shoes”).
• Being able to regulate one’s own
emotional responses.
These skills might seem like
standard-issue, grown-up social skills, and indeed they are.
However, even adults can have
trouble with these abilities. For instance, some adults would shrink from
offering a wounded person first aid, not because they are callous but because
they have trouble coping with their own emotional reactions to the other person’s
plight.
So I don’t think of empathy as
something you either have or lack. There are degrees of empathy, and, with
practice and an understanding of psychology, we can probably develop stronger
empathic skills.
Here are some tips for teaching
empathy--tips inspired by scientific research.
Teaching
empathy tip #1: Address your child’s own needs, and teach him how to “bounce
back” from distress
Studies suggest that kids are more
likely to develop a strong sense of empathy when their own emotional needs are
being met at home (Barnett 1987).
When kids have secure attachment
relationships (so that they know they can count on their caregivers for
emotional and physical support) they are more likely to show sympathy and offer
help to other kids in distress (Waters et al 1979; Kestenbaum et al 1989).
Other research indicates that kids
are more likely to show empathic concern for others if they have parents who
help them cope with negative emotions in a sympathetic,
problem-solving-oriented way. For references, see this article on the case for teaching empathy.
Teaching
empathy tip #2: Be a “mind-minded” parent
Treat your child as an individual
with a mind of her own, and talk to her about the ways that our feelings
influence our behavior.
Observational studies reveal a link
between parenting and “theory of mind”—i.e., what kids understand about the
goals, desires, and beliefs of other people.
Parents who are “mind-minded” treat
their offspring (no matter how young) as individuals with minds of their own.
They also talk to their children about emotional and mental states, and discuss
the ways that our beliefs, desires, and emotions motivate behavior. For more
information about these studies—and an experiment illustrating the importance
of “mental state talk”—see this article on mind-mindedness.
Teaching
empathy tip #3: Seize everyday opportunities to model—and induce—sympathetic
feelings for other people
By modeling empathic behavior--and
pointing out situations that call for empathy—parents can generate sympathetic
responses in their kids. For example, if you and your child see someone being
victimized (in real life, on TV, or in a book), talk with your child about how
that person must feel (Pizarro and Salovey 2002).
Teaching
empathy tip #4: Help kids discover what they have in common with other people
Experiments suggest that kids are
more likely to feel empathy for individuals who are familiar and/or similar to
them (e.g., Zahn-Waxler et al 1984; Smith 1988). Kids may also find it easier
to empathize with people who they’ve shared unpleasant experiences with (Murphy
1937).
So it’s probably helpful to make
kids aware of the similarities they may share with other people. The more we
can humanize the victims of distress or tragedy, the better kids will be able
to respond with empathy.
Teaching
empathy tip #5: Teach kids about the hot-cold empathy gap
Have you ever noticed how hard it is
to appreciate the power of a food craving when you aren’t hungry? This is what
researchers call the “hot-cold empathy gap,” and it appears to
be a universal problem. When people are feeling cool and collected, they
underestimate how compelling emotionally or physiologically “hot” states—like
hunger—can be.
Conversely, people in the grip of
“hot” states often underestimate how much their current perceptions are
influenced by their situation.
The hot-cold empathy gap leads to
mistakes in judgment and failures of empathy. But once we understand how the
hot-cold empathy gap works, we can use it to teach empathy.
For example, we can use moments of
discomfort as opportunities to induce empathy for others:
• Did your child get the brush-off
from the school snob? You might start a conversation about the experiences of
other victims…and note how these episodes can help us avoid acting like snobs
ourselves.
• Coping with a miserable family car
trip? Ask kids to imagine how their ancestors felt during arduous, dusty, treks
in horse-powered carts and wagons.
We might also help kids teaching
them about the hot-cold empathy gap.
For instance, kids may have
unrealistic attitudes about their ability to control their urges and
emotions—and keep making mistakes as a result.
Research on the empathy gap suggests
that trying to resist temptation may be less effective than simply avoiding
situations that give rise to temptation.
So some kids need to learn that
self-control isn’t just about being strong. It’s also about being smart. If you
need to get your homework done, keep distractions—like that cell phone—out of
sight. If your peers are pressuring you act to uncharitably towards “uncool”
kids, maybe you should spend your time with other, more pleasant, people.
Teaching
empathy tip #6: Help kids explore other roles and perspectives
As noted in the introduction,
empathy involves perspective-taking. What is the world like when experienced
from another person’s point of view?
Stories—from books or television—are
opportunities for kids to practice perspective-taking skills. What do the
characters think, believe, want, or feel?
And how do we know it?
When families discuss these
questions, kids may learn a lot about the way other people’s minds work (Dunn
et al 2001). In one experimental study, 110 school kids (aged 7 years) were
enrolled in a program of reading. Some students were randomly assigned to
engage in conversations about the emotional content of the stories they read.
Others were asked only to produce drawings about the stories. After two months,
the kids in the conversation group showed greater advances in emotion comprehension,
theory of mind, and empathy, and the positive outcomes "remained stable
for 6 months" (Ornaghi et al 2014).
Other research suggests you don't
even have to talk to boost your empathic skills, not if the material you read
is sufficiently stimulating. When David Kidd and Emanuele Castano (2013)
assigned young adults to read literary fiction -- novels that challenged
readers to analyze the psychology of characters -- participants showed
temporary improvements in their ability to "read" the minds of others.
And don’t dismiss the usefulness of
role-playing games. In an elaborate role-playing trial, researchers asked
young, healthy medical students to simulate the difficulties of old age. For
example, students wore goggles covered with transparent tape to simulate the
effects of cataracts, and heavy rubber gloves to experience poor motor control.
After the experiment, the students showed greater empathy towards the elderly
(Varkey et al 2006).
Teaching
empathy tip #7: Show kids how to “make a face” while they try to imagine how
someone else feels.
Suppose I tell you to make a sad
face. It’s just play acting, right?
Not really.
Experiments show that simply “going
through the motions” of making a facial expression can make us experience the
associated emotion.
And it’s not “just our imagination”
(whatever that phrase means). When researchers have asked people to imitate
certain facial expressions, they have detected changes in brain activity that
are characteristic of the corresponding emotions. People also experience
changes in heart rate, skin conductance, body temperature (for a concise
summary, see Decety and Jackson 2004).
So it seems likely that we can
“boost” our empathic powers by imitating the facial expressions of people we
want to empathize with.
Pretty cool, huh? And it’s not a new
idea. As neuroscientists Jean Decety and Philip L. Jackson point out, this
method was suggested by Edgar Allen Poe in his short story the Purloined
Letter.
Teaching empathy tip #8: Help kids
develop a sense of morality that depends on internal self-control, not on
rewards or punishments
Kids
are capable of being spontaneously helpful and sympathetic. But experimental
studies have shown that kids become less likely to help others if they are given
material rewards for doing so.
Other research has shown that kids are more likely to develop an internal sense
of right and wrong if they are raised with authoritative ,
inductive discipline--an approach that emphasizes rational explanations and
moral consequences, not arbitrary rules and heavy-handed punishments.
For instance, kids are more likely
to internalize moral principles when their parents talk to them about how
wrong-doing affects other people--inducing empathy and feelings of guilt
(Hoffman and Saltzein 1967).
Teaching
empathy tip #9: Teach (older) kids about mechanisms of moral disengagement
Research has demonstrated that
average, well-adjusted people can be persuaded to harm others—even torture
them—as long as they are provided with the right rationale.
In a famous series of experiments
developed by Stanley Milgram of Yale University, subjects were told that they
were participating in a “learning experiment” that required them to administer
painful electric shocks to another person (Milgram 1963).
The “experiment” was a fake—dressed
up with plausible props and an actor who pretended to be in pain after the
study participants pressed a button. But the participants were fooled and—urged
on by an authoritative man in a white lab coat—they dutifully administered
shocks to the screaming “victim.” In fact, almost 65% of participants continued
to press the button even after the “victim” had appeared to fall unconscious
(Milgram 1963).
These people weren’t psychopaths.
They were ordinary people exposed to social pressure from a plausible authority
figure. With the right rationalizations, otherwise decent people can disengage
their moral responses. And it’s not just an adult phenomenon. Kids can do it,
too.
I think it’s a good idea for older
kids to learn about Milgram’s research and about the kinds of rationalizations
that people use to excuse callous or cruel behavior. For more information,
check out this article on mechanisms of moral disengagement.
Teaching
empathy tip #10: Inspire good feelings (and boost oxytocin levels) through
pleasant social interactions and physical affection
An interesting experiment suggests
that higher levels of oxytocin can help people better “decode” the emotional
meanings of facial expressions. Researchers had 30 young adult males inhale
oxytocin (the “cuddle” hormone) and then examine photographs of other people’s
eyes. Compared to men given a placebo, the oxytocin men were better at
interpreting the emotions of the people in the photographs (Domes et al 2006).
So perhaps kids will find it easier
to understand the emotional signals of others if they are well-supplied with
their own, naturally-produced oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when people
experience pleasant touching (like hugs and massage). It’s also produced when
people engage in pleasant social interactions (Uvnäs-Moberg 2003).
