The Wonders of Reality Discipline
This clever discipline method is less
exhausting and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging
or threatening.
I
once read a newspaper headline that made me chuckle: "Red Lipstick
Empowers Women." The caption, coupled with a photo of Marilyn Monroe
wearing a white flowing dress and painted crimson lips, made me think that
perhaps I'd found the answer to the discipline problems with my elementary
students.That's been my problem all along — I've been wearing champagne pink!
Wouldn't
it be wonderful if changing lipstick was all it took to become more effective
and empowered in handling discipline problems with children?
While
child psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman is an out-of-the-box parenting problem
solver who might buy into the lipstick method if it worked, Dr. Leman instead
teaches parents about the effective "Reality Discipline." This clever
method of getting little "ankle biters" to obey is less exhausting
and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging or
threatening.
It's all about responsibility
The
first thing to remember about Reality Discipline is that you want your children
to learn to think for themselves and learn to become more responsible through
guidance and action-oriented techniques. In an article from First Things First, Dr. Leman says, "Action-oriented
discipline is based on the reality that there are times when you have to pull
the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble. I mean disciplining your
children in such a way that he/she accepts responsibility and learns
accountability for his actions." Here's an example.
When
my brother was in high school, my mother implemented Reality Discipline without
realizing it. My little brother, Gannon, could sleep through a tornado (or a
hurricane or tsunami) and my mother was tired of waking him up every morning
and saying, "You'd better hurry, or you're going to miss the bus."
Finally, Mom thought, I'm not waking him up
anymore. He can be late. Just as she suspected,
Gannon did miss the bus and was forced to walk the mile to school. Much to my
mother's delight, he was never late again. She didn't have to beg, plead, give
him ultimatums or nag Gannon one more time. Instead, she let reality do the
discipline.
A little bit of ice cream can do the trick
One
afternoon, I had the privilege of listening to Dr. Leman explain on the radio
how reality discipline teaches responsibility. He told an engaging story about
a mother whose preschool son was driving her bananas because every day when she
stopped to pick him up from preschool, he ran from her on the playground. She
felt like a fool for being outrun by a preschooler while teachers and parents
looked on. Desperate, she asked Dr. Leman for advice.
Dr.
Leman suggested that if her son ran from her next time, she should ask another
adult on the playground if they would be kind enough to keep an eye on her son
for a few minutes. Then she should drive away, go to the nearest ice cream
shop, purchase a cone for herself and drive back to the school to pick up her
son. Then, when her little guy got in the car and asked, "Where's my ice
cream?" he told the woman she should cheerfully say, "Well you could
have had some ice cream, but you ran away; so I had to go get some alone."
One
point for mom; zero for Junior. That's Reality Discipline. No ranting. No
raving. No warnings. Just cool, collected action with some quick, clever
thinking to make your point loud and clear.
Sounds
great, right? Here are some basic principles of Reality Discipline to help you
get (and keep) the upper hand with your kids.
Don't focus on creating a happy child
In
his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman says that the goal of parenting is
not to create happy kids; rather, it's to create responsible kids. This means
Junior will probably be pretty unhappy that he didn't get an ice cream cone; he
may even throw a fit, and rant and rave — but he will become more responsible
and respectful. Don't back down, but do stay cool as a cucumber. Remind
yourself that it's a battle of the wits and the wills, and you will win.
Understand your child's reality
According
to Dr Leman, if you want to use Reality Discipline effectively, you need to know
what's important to your child — what really moves him in his reality. Your child may value money, sports, a daily cookie break,
staying up late or spending time with friends. Parents who know how to use
Reality Discipline make creative connections between bad behavior and
discipline through action rather than through warnings, nagging or
threats.
For
example, suppose you ask your ten-year-old daughter (who loves saving money) to
take out the trash. She ignores you, and thirty minutes later the trash is
still sitting by the back door. With a little creativity, you decide to
implement some Reality Discipline. Instead of reminding your daughter about the
trash, you enlist her younger sister to take it out . Then you take some money
out of your ten-year-old daughter's allowance and give it to her sister for a
job well done. Can you imagine the peace and satisfaction that could come from
being such a quick-witted parent?
Note:
If you want to use Reality Discipline, you have to listen to your child. Then
you'll know what will move him to responsibility. The more you understand
what's important to him, the more ammunition you'll have in your arsenal to
"train up" your child in the way he should go.
Make sure that Reality Discipline is grounded in love
In Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman writes, "Show me a mean
teacher, and I'll show you a good one." If you find that you are a
permissive parent who is afraid of "pulling the rug out from under your
child" as Dr. Leman suggests, remember that Reality Discipline is not
unkind. Instead, when it's motivated by love to help your child mature into a
responsible adult, it's a very good gift.
Copyright © 2008 Shana
Schutte. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
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