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Do You Parent with Your Wallet? (Or Know Someone Who Does?)
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What kid doesn’t love it when Mom or Dad spends money on them?
When you can afford it, buying things for your children is fun. But there’s a
point where we buy things for our kids for the wrong reasons: to win their
allegiance or simply to get them to stop screaming. Where is the line between
generosity and parenting with your wallet, and what’s the danger of crossing
that line? What’s the best approach to take when your ex-spouse spends on the
kids instead of parenting them? James Lehman explains.
"There’s nothing
more destructive than kids getting a false sense of entitlement."
One of
the ineffective roles parents fall into is what I call “Deep Pockets.” In the
deep pockets style of parenting, parents buy things that their children demand
in order to promote appropriate functioning in their children. There’s a
difference between buying things to reward your child’s
appropriate functioning and buying things in an attempt to get your
child to function appropriately. When you buy your daughter a new hoodie
because you asked her to do the dishes this week and she did it, that’s a
reward. When you buy your daughter a new hoodie because she’s talking ugly to
you and her siblings and you want her to stop or you’re afraid of her outburst
if you say no, that’s deep pockets parenting.
How much is too much? When your child feels “entitled.”
When you
spend money on your child based on his performance, what you’re teaching is “I
love you, I want to share with you, and you’re worthwhile.” The child learns
that appropriate functioning earns him good things. But when you buy things for
your child to avoid his wrath or as a bribe for appropriate functioning, the
child learns, “I don’t have to earn anything. It’s easy to get things. I’m more
powerful than my parents are. There’s a reward for manipulating my parents, and
I’m entitled to all the good things.” There’s nothing more destructive than kids getting a
false sense of entitlement. It’s one of the big problems with kids
and teenagers today, and it really affects their work ethic. When you talk to
kids, they think they’re going to be rappers, athletes and superstars. But when
you ask them what they’re doing to prepare for that now or how they’re going to
get there, they have no idea.
A child
is entitled to be treated lovingly and respectfully by his parents and have his
needs met—food, shelter and the things the family can afford. He’s not entitled
to a $150 pair of sneakers, especially when his little sister has to wear a $12
pair. Parents unknowingly promote this false sense of entitlement in
pre-adolescence. Then in adolescence and the later teen years, when the kid is
demanding things, they don’t know how to make it stop. I’ve worked with parents
who can’t imagine taking the kid’s car away when the kid is verbally abusing
them and doing bad things to his siblings. The parents have the idea that he’s
entitled to the car, the kid has the same idea, and if they take away the car,
who knows what’s going to happen? They live in fear of the kid’s sense of
entitlement. They have backed themselves into a tough corner.
The Dos and Don’ts of Spending on Kids
There’s
nothing wrong with giving kids things you can afford. They don’t get spoiled by
that. They get spoiled by not having to meet their responsibilities. If a kid
is meeting his responsibilities, if he’s respectful at home, and you’ve got
some money, buy him the video game. If it fits in with your lifestyle, family
and budget, don’t worry about over-rewarding appropriate performance. But it
should be based on the child’s performance and it has to be consistent with
your honest lifestyle. You have to live within your value structure when it
comes to spending on your kids. For example, if your family has rules about no
violence in the home, then don’t reward with violent video games.
Don’t get
into debt to get your kids things they want. If you’re uncomfortable with the
price, share that with the child. “We can’t afford it” is a fair thing to say.
There’s no shame in this. It’s a way to teach your child that we all have to
live within our means. My son used to ask us why my wife and I both had to
work, because he had to go to an after school program for a couple of hours. We
would be honest with him and say that we had to work to afford our lifestyle.
If he wanted the things that he wanted, we both had to work. If we couldn’t
afford something, we told him flat out, “We can’t afford it.”
Don’t use
money or material goodies as a shortcut for doing the work of parenting. If
you’re buying your kid things in order to get peace in the home, it’s not real
peace. You can get out of this ineffective “deep pockets” role by having a
discussion with your child. I’ll show you what that discussion looks like
below.
If you have an ex-spouse who uses deep pockets…
Many
divorced families have a dynamic where one parent (often the parent who does
not have primary custody) overspends, out of guilt, to use bribery to get
allegiance, or simply because they lack effective parenting skills. Separated
or divorced parents should not “confront” one another because there’s too much
unfinished business in these relationships to take on a confrontation. But they
should discuss with the other parent how much is being spent and on what. If
you’re the parent with less financial security, remember two things. 1.) It’s
okay to explain to the child that you have less money than the other parent.
It’s this simple: “I have less money than daddy because my money has to go
further.” 2.) It’s not okay to say Daddy’s cheap or Daddy’s bad. Don’t get into
that. If you do, then you force your child to defend his father. If the child
doesn’t defend him verbally, he’s going to do it internally. So you don’t want
to label daddy. You just want to say, “I don’t have the money.” Is it ok to say,
“Daddy didn’t send the check?” Yes. Is it okay to make judgments around daddy
because he didn’t send the check? No. Provide the information, not the
characterization.
In a
separation or divorce situation, when one parent asks the other to reduce their
spending on the kids, the spending parent hears, “You’re trying to take my
power away from me.” Power is a big issue in separated and divorced parenting.
But if Daddy is buying the child too many toys, one thing a parent can do is
make it clear that those toys stay at Daddy’s. There will be some anger about
that from both the Daddy and the child. But you have to establish that it’s a
rule in your home. Just like you have different rules about bedtime. You go to
bed at 10 o’clock at Daddy’s. You go to bed a 9 o’clock here. You can play with
those toys at Daddy’s. You can’t play with them here. If the child argues with
you and asks why he can’t have the toys here that he has at Daddy’s, talk to
him when he’s calm, and explain that they have to stay at Daddy’s because he
bought them for you. Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore. It gets harder
as the child gets older and the money gets spent in larger sums. But, no matter
what, don’t make angry comments about your ex to your child.
If you have a spouse who uses deep pockets…
Again,
don’t confront. In this case, you have to sit down with your spouse and get on
the same page. Maybe one parent has to increase their level of rewards and
their delivery system for it. Maybe the other parent needs to leave the wallet
in his pocket or her purse and work on setting a limit with the child instead
of buying appropriate behavior. Identify where the spending is going overboard
and discuss it together, not in front of the kids. If you’re going into debt
because one parent’s pockets are too deep, and the parent won’t look at this,
it’s a marital communication problem, not a parent child problem. Don’t argue
it out with the child or play out your issue with your spouse through your
child.
If you are parenting with your wallet and you want to stop…
When
things are going well, sit down with the child and have a little talk. Keep a
nice smile on your face so the child doesn’t get defensive. Say, “I’ve decided
to make a change. I think sometimes we go to the mall too much, and we’re
spending too much money. So from now on, I’m going to do the work I need to do
here at the house and I’m going to ask you to help me with some things. And
when the work gets done, we’ll treat ourselves. And it won’t always be going to
the mall or buying things. And we’re going to start this today. Do you have any
questions?”
If the
child starts fighting or yelling, then walk away and leave the room. Continue
to talk to the child about this only when he’s calm.
Spending
money on a child may feel like the quickest way to win compliance, allegiance
or peace, but it’s a temporary solution that can cause the permanent problem of
false entitlement. If you’re a deep pockets parent, you can change to a more
effective role. Think before you spend. Will your child learn and gain more if
you spend your time rather than your money with him? The answer is yes.
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