10 Common
Mistakes Parents Today Make (Me Included)
Columnist,
blogger at karikampakis.com
When I became a mom, I
got lots of advice on how to love my child. But not until a few years ago did
someone actually point out that loving a child means wanting what's best for
them long-term.
When my four daughters
were young, long-term didn't resonate with me. Back then it
was about survival, meeting daily needs and keeping my head above water.
Now that my kids are
maturing, however, the fog is lifting. I'm no longer a pledge of parenting, but
rather an indoctrinated member. The perk of this stage is that my kids want to
spend time with me. We have real conversations that reveal their beautiful
personalities. With everyone sleeping through the night, I'm sleeping better,
too. I can think coherently and be more intentional in how I raise them.
These days, I put more
thought into long-term. I think about the kind of adults I hope my
children will be and work backward to ask, "What can I do today to foster that?" Being mindful of
their future has changed my parenting paradigm, because
what makes my children happy at age 10 or 15 is somewhat different from what
will make them happy at age 25, 30, 40 and beyond.
A while back I came
across some interesting articles and books that dig into what psychologists today
are seeing: a rising number of 20-somethings who are depressedand don't know why. These young adults
claim they had magical childhoods. Their parents are their best friends. They
never experienced tragedy or anything more than normal disappointments. Yet for
some reason, they're unhappy.
One reason given is that
parents today are too quick to swoop in. We don't want our children to fall, so
instead of letting them experience adversity, we clear the path. We remove
obstacles to make their life easy. But adversity is a part of life, and only by facing it can our
children build life-coping skills they'll need down the road. So
while it seems like we're doing them a favor, we're really stunting their
growth. We're putting short-term payoffs over long-term well-being.
One article mentions incoming college freshmen
known to deans as "teacups" for their fragility in the face of minor
problems. The question posed was this: "Could it be that by protecting our
kids from unhappiness as children, we're depriving them of happiness as
adults?"
Here's psychiatrist Paul
Bohn's response, as paraphrased in the piece:
[M]any parents will do anything to avoid
having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment
-- "anything less than pleasant," as he puts it -- with the result
that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they
think something must be terribly wrong.
Why am I sharing this
information? Because I think it's relevant in this age of helicopter parenting.
While I find it great that today's parents are more invested in their
children's lives than previous generations, our involvement can go overboard.
What we may justify as "good parenting" can hurt our children later.
Unless we're mindful of that, it's easy to handicap them by making their lives
too easy.
As
my favorite parenting philosophy goes: "Prepare your child for the road,
not the road for your child."
With this said, I've
outlined 10 common mistakes that parents today -- me included -- often make. My
intention isn't to point fingers, but to raise awareness. What may be ingrained
in our culture is not always in the best interest of our kids.
Mistake
#10: Worshipping our children. Many of us live in child-centered communities.
We're raising our kids in child-centered homes. Our children love this, of
course, because our lives revolve around them. And for the most part we don't
mind either, because their happiness is our happiness. It thrills us to do for
them, buy for them, and shower them with love and attention.
But I think it's
important to keep in mind that our children were made to be loved, not
worshipped. So when we treat them like the center of the universe, we create a
false idol, turning a good into an ultimate. Rather than kid-centered homes, we
should strive for God-centered homes. Our children will still be loved, only in
a better way, one that promotes selflessness over selfishness.
Mistake
#9: Believing our children are perfect. One thing I often hear from professionals who
work with children (counselors, teachers, etc.) is that parents today don't
want to hear anything negative about their kids. When concerns are raised, even
concerns voiced out of love, the knee-jerk reaction is often to attack the
messenger.
The truth can hurt, but
when we listen with an open heart and mind we stand to benefit. We can
intervene early before a situation gets out of hand. It's easier to deal with a
troubled child than repair a broken adult.
As a Children's of
Alabama psychiatrist recently told me when I interviewed her on teenage
depression, early intervention is key because it can change the trajectory for
the child's life. She said that's why she enjoys child and adolescent
psychiatry -- because kids are resilient, and it's a lot easier to intervene
effectively when they're young instead of years later, when the problem has
gone on so long it's become incorporated into part of their identity.
Mistake
#8: Living vicariously through our children. We parents take great pride in our children.
When they succeed, it makes us happier than if we'd done it ourselves.
But if we're overly
involved and invested in their lives, it gets hard to see where they end and we
begin. When our children become extensions of us, we may see them as our second
chance. Suddenly it's not about them, it's about us. This is where their
happiness starts getting confused with our happiness.
Mistake
#7: Wanting to be our child's BFF. When I asked a priest to name the biggest
mistake he sees in parenting, he thought for a moment and then said,
"Parents not being parents. Not stepping up to the plate to do hard
things."
Like everyone, I want my
children to love me. I want them to sing my praises and appreciate me. But if
I'm doing my job right, they'll get mad and not like me sometimes. They'll roll
their eyes, moan and groan, and wish they'd been born into another family.
Seeking to be our child's
BFF can only lead to permissiveness and choices made out of desperation because
we fear losing their approval. That's not love on our end; that's need.
Mistake
#6: Engaging in competitive parenting. Every parent has a competitive streak. All it
takes to stir this monster in us is another parent giving his or her child a
leg up at our child's expense.
I hear these stories a
lot at the junior high and high school levels, stories of broken friendships
and betrayals due to one family blindsiding another family. In my opinion, the
root is fear. We fear our children will get left behind. We fear that if we
don't jump into the craziness, and pull out every stop to help them excel
early, they'll be stuck in mediocrity the rest of their life.
I believe children need
to work hard and understand that dreams don't come on a silver platter; they
have to sweat and fight for them. But when we instill a "win at all
costs" attitude, permitting them to throw anyone under the bus to get
ahead, we lose sight of character.
Character may not seem
important in adolescence, but in adulthood it's everything.
Mistake
#5: Missing the wonder of childhood. The other day I found a Strawberry Shortcake
sticker on my kitchen sink. It reminded me how blessed I am to share my home
with little people.
One day there won't be
stickers on my sink. There won't be Barbies in my bathtub, baby dolls on my bed
or Mary
Poppins in the DVD
player. My windows will be clear of sticky handprints, and my home will be
quiet because my daughters will be hanging out with friends instead of nesting
at home with me.
Raising small children
can be hard, monotonous work. At times it's so physically and emotionally
exhausting we wish they were older to make our life easier. We're also kind of
curious who they'll grow up to be. What will be their passion? Will their
God-given gifts be clear? As parents we hope so, for knowing which strengths to
nurture enables us to point them in the right direction.
But as we project into
the future, wondering if our child's knack for art will make them a Picasso, or
if their melodic voice will create a Taylor Swift, we may forget to soak up the
splendor in front of us: toddlers in footed pajamas, bedtime stories, tummy
tickles and elated squeals. We may forget to let our children be little and enjoy
the one childhood they're given.
The pressures on kids
start way too early. If we really want our kids to have a leg up, we need to
protect them from these pressures. We need to let them have fun and grow at
their own pace so 1) they can explore their interests without fear of failure
and 2) they don't get burned out.
Childhood is a time for
free play and discovery. When we rush children through it, we rob them of an
innocent age they'll never pass through again.
Mistake
#4: Raising the child we want, not the child we have. As parents we harbor dreams for our children.
They start when we get pregnant, before the gender's even known. Secretly we
hope they'll be like us, only smarter and more talented. We want to be their
mentors, putting our life experiences to good use.
But the irony of
parenting is that children turn our molds upside down. They come out wired in
ways we never anticipated. Our job is to figure out their inherent,
God-ordained bent and train them in that direction. Forcing our dreams on them
won't work. Only when we see them for who they are can we impact their life
powerfully.
Mistake
#3: Forgetting our actions speak louder than words. Sometimes when my kids ask a question, they'll
say, "Please answer in one sentence." They know me well, for I'm
always trying to squeeze life lessons into teachable moments. I want to fill
them with wisdom, but what I forget is how my example overshadows my words.
How I handle rejection
and adversity... how I treat friends and strangers... whether I nag or build up
their father... they notice these things. And the way I respond gives them
permission to act the same.
If I want my children to
be wonderful, I need to aim for wonderful, too. I need to be the person I hope
they'll be.
Mistake
#2: Judging other parents -- and their kids. No matter how much we disagree with someone's
parenting style, it's not our place to judge. Nobody in this world is "all
good" or "all bad"; we're all a mix of both, a community of
sinners struggling with different demons.
Personally, I tend to cut
other parents more slack when I'm going through hard spells. When my child is
testing me, I'm compassionate to parents in the same boat. When my life is
overwhelming, I'm forgiving of others who slip up and let things fall through
the cracks.
We never know what
someone's going through or when we'll need mercy ourselves. And while we can't
control judgmental thoughts, we can cut them short by seeking to understand the
person instead of jumping to conclusions.
Mistake
#1: Underestimating CHARACTER. If there's one thing I hope to get right in my
children, it's their CORE. Character, moral fiber, an inner compass... these
things lay the foundation for a happy, healthy future. They matter more than
any report card or trophy ever will.
None of us can force
character on our kids, and at age 10 or 15 character won't mean much. Children
care about short-term gratification, but we, as parents, know better.We know that what will matter at 25, 30 and 40 is not how far they
once threw the football, or whether they made cheerleader, but how they treat
others and what they think of themselves. If we want them to build character,
confidence, strength and resilience, we need to let them face adversity and
experience the pride that follows when they come out stronger on the other
side.
It's hard to see our
children fall, but sometimes we have to. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves
whether intervening is in their best interest. There are a million ways to love
a child, but in our quest to make them happy, let us stay mindful that sometimes
it takes short-term pain to earn long-term gain.
No comments:
Post a Comment