- Express understanding for the child’s
feelings. Be sure to check with him to see if you are right.
- Show empathy without condoning.
Empathy does not mean you agree or condone. It simply means you understand
the child’s perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have
felt or behaved similarly.
- Share your feelings and
perceptions. If the first two steps have been done in a sincere and
friendly manner, you will have created a connection and the child will be
ready to listen to you.
- Invite the child to focus on a
solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the
problem. If he doesn’t, offer some suggestions. After making a list of
several solutions, choose one that feels helpful to both of you.
An attitude of friendliness, caring,
and respect are essential to these steps. Your decision to create a connection
will be enough to create positive feelings in you. After the first two steps,
the child will be won over, too. He will now be ready to hear you when you use
the third step (even if you may have expressed your feelings many times before
without being heard.) The fourth step —(invite the child to focus on a
solution) is likely to be effective now that you have created an atmosphere of
respect.
Mrs. Martinez shared the following
experience where she first created distance and hostility and then used the
four steps for wining cooperation to correct her mistake and create closeness
and trust.
Her daughter, Linda, came home from
school complaining that her teacher had yelled at her in front of the whole
class. Mrs. Martinez put her hands on her hips and asked Linda in an accusing
voice, "Well, what did you do?" Linda dropped her eyes and angrily
replied, "I didn’t do anything." Mrs. Martinez said, "Oh, come
on, teachers don’t yell at students for nothing. What did you do?"
Linda flopped on the couch with a
sullen look on her face and just glared at her mother. Mrs. Martinez continued
in her accusing tone, "Well, what are you going to do to solve this
problem?" Linda belligerently replied, "Nothing."
At this point Mrs. Martinez remembered
the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation. She took a deep breath,
changed her attitude, and commented in a friendly tone of voice, "I’ll bet
you felt embarrassed to have the teacher yell at you in front of the
others." (Step 1. Express understanding.)
Linda looked up at her mother with
suspicious interest. Mrs. Martinez then shared, "I can remember once in
the fourth grade that happened to me just because I got up to sharpen my pencil
during a math test. I was so embarrassed and angry that my teacher would yell
at me in front of the whole class." (Step 2. Show empathy without
condoning—and share a similar experience.)
Linda was interested now.
"Really?" she said, "All I did was ask to borrow a pencil. I
certainly didn’t think it was fair for my teacher to yell at me for that."
Mrs. Martinez said, "Well, I can
certainly understand how you must have felt. Can you think of anything you
might do to avoid that kind of embarrassing situation in the future?"
(Step 4. Invite child to focus on a solution. Step 3 was not necessary in this
case.) Linda responded, "I suppose I could be sure I had more than one
pencil, so I would not have to borrow."
Mrs. Martinez said, "That sounds like an excellent
idea."
One of Mrs. Martinez’s goals was to help
Linda behave in ways that would not invite her teacher’s anger and disapproval.
Notice that the first time she invited Linda to think about what she could do
to solve the problem; Linda was feeling too hostile to cooperate. Once her
mother used encouragement to create a connection (through the Four Steps for
Winning Cooperation), Linda felt closeness and trust instead of distance and
hostility,and was willing to think of a solution. When her mother was able to
see things from Linda’s point of view, Linda no longer felt the need to be
defensive.
Mrs. Jones also used the Four Steps for
Winning Cooperation when she learned that her six-year-old son, Jeff, had been
stealing. She found a quiet time when no one else was around and asked Jeff to
come sit on her lap—a great way to create connection. She then told Jeff she
had heard about him stealing a pack of gum from the store. (Notice she didn’t
"set him up" by asking him if he had done something when she already
knew he had.) Next she shared a time when she was in the fifth grade and had
stolen an eraser from a store; she knew she shouldn’t have done it, and it made
her feel very guilty, so she decided it wasn’t worth it. Jeff said defensively,
"But the store has so much gum." Mrs. Jones then led Jeff in a discussion
exploring how much gum and other merchandise the store owner had to sell in
order to pay his rent, pay employees, pay for inventory, and earn enough money
to live on. Jeff admitted he had never thought of that. They also discussed how
they wouldn’t like to have others take their things. Jeff confided he did not
want to steal things anymore, and that he would pay for the gum he had stolen.
Mrs. Jones offered to go with him for moral support.
Mrs. Jones was able to create a
connection and win Jeff over by not accusing, blaming, or lecturing. Jeff did
not have to feel he was a bad person for what he had done, and he was willing
to explore socially responsible reasons for not doing it again. Also, he was
able to participate in a solution that, although embarrassing for him, would be
a very valuable life lesson for future behavior. He was able to do this because
his mother created a feeling of support rather than attack and defensiveness.
The Feeling Behind
What You Do Or Say Is More Important Than What You Do Or Say
What we do is never as important as how
we do it. The feeling and attitude behind what we do will determine the how. An
adult can ask, "What did you learn from this?" with a tone of voice
that is blaming and shaming or with a tone of voice that shows empathy and
interest. An adult can create an atmosphere that invites closeness and trust,
or an atmosphere that creates distance and hostility. It is amazing how many
adults believe they can have a positive influence on children after creating
distance and hostility instead of a connection of closeness and trust. (Do they
really believe this—or are they simply reacting without thinking?)
The feeling behind words is often most
evident in our tone of voice. Adding humiliation violates the basic concept of
mutual respect. It also changes what could be a logical consequence into
punishment, which won’t achieve positive long-term effects. If a child spills
milk on the floor, the logical solution would be for her to clean it up. It
remains a logical solution so long as the adult engages the child through kind
but firm words, such as "Whoops, what do you need to do about that?"
(Notice how much more engaging it is to ask the child what she needs to do
instead of telling her what she needs to do. Asking instead of telling is one
of the most effective Positive Discipline methods you will learn and is
discussed in more detail in Chapter Six.
Telling invites resistance and
rebellion. Respectfully involving children invites them to feel capable and to
use their power in contributing ways. A request becomes a punishment when
adults don’t use a tone of voice that is kind and respectful or adds
humiliation, such as, "How can you be so clumsy? Clean that up right now,
and let me pour the milk from now on since you can’t seem to get it
right."
Adlerian psychology provides a set of
basic concepts that offer a wealth of knowledge to help us increase our
understanding of children and of ourselves, but it is so much more than just
theory. The basic concepts are lost without attitudes of encouragement,
understanding, and respect. If these attitudes are not understood, the
techniques will be reduced to disrespectful manipulation. We will be more
effective with children if we always ask ourselves, "Is what I am doing
empowering or discouraging?" Have I taken the time to create a connection
before attempting correction?
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