Avoid raising an entitled child: 5
strategies that really work
Amy McCready
TODAY Contributor
You may have seen it, or felt it — that phenomenon that seems to
have taken over kids in recent years and turned them into entitled, me-centric
beings? I call it the "The Me, Me, Me
Epidemic," and believe it or not, it happens in tiny little ways every
single day when we're not conscious of it. The good news? It is totally
curable!
We've all known kids (maybe even in our own families) who feel
entitled to have things go their way, who expect the best of life without
rolling up their sleeves and for whom gratitude is not a part of their
attitude. While these kids can be hard to live with now, over-entitled kids
eventually become high-maintenance employees and demanding spouses with the
same childish attitudes, only on a greater scale. It's a big problem, because
kids who feel entitled to call the shots all the time are unable to handle it
when things don't go their way (like here in the real world).
While we can point fingers and blame social media, reality TV,
and a host of other outside influences, one of the biggest factors in the
spread of this "epidemic" is us — the parents. Of course, we want the
best for our kids and none of us intends to raise an entitled child, but often
in our loving attempts to do the best for our kids, we over-parent. We
over-indulge, over-praise and mow down any obstacle in their path with
ninja-like swiftness. And when we do? We rob kids of the opportunity to do for
themselves, learn from mistakes, or overcome adversity. For your sake and for
your kids, consider these five strategies for turning the tide:
1.
Expect more: Give your
kids some credit. They can and SHOULD make meaningful contributions to the
family. Expect your toddlers to teens to do Family Contributions (not
"chores") on a daily basis and expect them to take on increasing
amounts of responsibility through the years. After all, they are part of the
family and everyone's contributions matter. When you hold your kids to a higher
standard, they WILL meet it — and often exceed it. What they'll get in return
will be life skills they need to head out into the world as happier, more successful
and self-sufficient human beings. And you? You get to know that you helped to
make that happen. (Way to go!)
2.
Give up on giving in: Do you
ever say YES when you really want to say No? Cave at the candy counter at
checkout? Pacify with the treat when your kid is throwing a fit? It's time to
turn over a new leaf and have the courage to say "NO" and mean it!
You'll teach your kids that life won't always go their way and that's OK.
You'll be establishing — and sticking — to healthy boundaries. And your little
ones and big ones will learn that fit-throwing, eye-rolling, and pouting isn't
going to do the trick. Now, for all of you who struggle with this — repeat
after me: I'm NOT being a bad guy — I'm being a good PARENT. You
can do this!
3.
Hand over the reins. Every
time we rescue our kids from their mistakes, intervene on their behalf, or
smooth the way so things are easier for them, we rob them of a learning
opportunity — the chance to be responsible, to figure it out for themselves, or
to face a scary situation. Little by little they just stop trying. It's time to
hand over the reins to their rightful owner. Instead of rushing the homework to
school so your kids don't get in trouble, let them know with love (and plenty
of training so they can be successful) that it's their responsibility to
remember what they need each day. Let them know that having their own
conversations with teachers, coaches and peers about issues that arise is
powerful part of growing up. You can help prepare them by role-playing so THEY
can have respectful conversations and learn problem-solving skills. Trust in
your kids' ability and turn over the reins so they can learn from their
successes and failures. You'll be there to support them — but they'll feel so
much more empowered by handling things on their own without you intervening or
rescuing.
4.
Shut down the ATM. This is a big
one. Instant gratification is king in today's society. "I want it, I get
it. Now." The best way to fight this phenomenon with our kids is to stop
handing over $20 whenever they ask for it. Instead, set a specific allowance
amount per week and a list of expenses your child is now responsible to cover.
Little kids can use allowance for "treats" when they go to the store,
big kids can be responsible for school lunches, school clothing and
entertainment. Allowance is an essential tool to teach delayed gratification
and fiscal responsibility — how to spend wisely, save, budget, and give
charitably. How will our kids be successful with a real paycheck and bigger expenses
if they don't learn those important life skills at home? Teach them the tools
and help them flourish.
5.
Un-center their universe. The
research is clear that those with an "attitude of gratitude" in life
are happier, less depressed, take stress in stride, and see life with a healthy
optimism. In our over-indulged culture, we know that gratitude takes practice.
It's something we have to teach our kids. Model for them and let them know the
world doesn't OWE anyone anything — and that we all have to do our part to make
it a better place. Help kids learn to appreciate their first-world
circumstances, (without lecturing about starving kids in Third World
countries). When you practice daily gratitude rituals at home, actively seek to
do random acts of kindness, and find opportunities to serve others throughout
the year (not just during the holidays) — you are helping to set your children
and your family on the path to a much more rewarding life.
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