NOVEMBER 17 - 21

Helpful Hints For Empowering Vs. Enabling

An Excerpt from Positive Discipline for Teenagers
by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott.

A friend asked me if Positive Discipline was a program to teach parents to manage their children. I said, "No, it is a program to help parents empower their children to manage themselves."

You may be vividly aware of how skilled most of us are in using enabling responses to our children, and how unskilled we are in using empowering responses. Parents who are used to controlling and rescuing may have a difficult time seeing the benefit of empowering statements.

Before we introduce the empowering actions and statements, we’ll go over enabling actions and statements—just in case you aren’t familiar with them. Our definition of enabling is, "Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices." Enabling responses include:

1. DOING TOO MUCH FOR THEM: Doing things for kids that they could do for themselves, bailing them out after bawling them out. “I can’t believe you have procrastinated again. What will ever become of you? Okay, I’ll do it this time, but next time you’ll just have to suffer the consequences.”
2. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH: Buying everything they want, cell phones, cars, insurance, clothes you can’t afford, CDs, junk food. “I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework after I bought you a car, a cell phone, clothes I can’t afford, and gave you a big allowance.”
3. BRIBING AND/OR REWARDING: “You can have a new CD, allowance, cell phone, if you do your homework.”
4. OVERPROTECTING:  What to wear, when to wear coats so they won’t get cold as if they are too stupid to know or to learn, picking their friends, extreme fear of danger. “Honey, I’ve got the car warming up in the garage so you won’t be cold.  Did you see the clothes I picked out for you?  I’ll wait till you’re ready to go, cuz I’d like to drive you to school so you won’t catch a cold.” 
5. HOVERING: Doing their laundry, waking them up in the morning, making their lunches, driving them places when they could walk or ride a bike, excusing them from helping the family because they have homework. “I just don’t understand. I excused you from chores, I woke you up early, I drove you everywhere so you would have more time, I made your lunches. How could this be?”
6. LYING FOR THEM:  Excuses to the teacher, writing notes when they just slept in, I won’t tell Dad/Mom. “Okay, I’ll write a note to the teacher that you were sick this morning, but you’ll need to be sure and catch up.”
7. PUNISHING/CONTROLLING: Grounding, taking away privileges, creating your agenda for them. “Well then, you are grounded and you lose all your privileges, no car, no TV, no friends, until it is done.” 
8. WHAT AND HOW LECTURES:  Telling them what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel, and what they should do about it. “Well, no wonder. I saw you wasting your time on MySpace and spending too much time texting your friends and sleeping in. You should feel ashamed of yourself. You’d better shape up or you’ll be shipping out to live on the streets like a bum.”
9. HOW, WHAT, AND WHY CAN’T YOU LECTURES: “How many times have I told you to get your homework done early? Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Why can’t you be more responsible? What will become of you?”
10. BLAMING AND SHAMING: “How could you ever do such a thing, how come you always forget and never get your homework done, I can’t believe you would be so lazy.”
11. LIVING IN DENIAL: Thinking your child could never do such a thing--being oblivious to the cultural mores regarding sex and drugs, and believing things are dangerous without educating yourself. “Well, honey. I’m sure you don’t really need to do homework. It is a stupid thing for teachers to expect. You are smart enough to do just fine without it.”
12. RESCUING/FIXING: Buying new things to replace what your child loses, hiring lawyers, staying up late to help with (or doing) last minute homework. “I’ll hurry and do it for you while you get dressed and eat your breakfast. Sorry I won’t be able to fix your bacon, eggs, and waffles. I’m sure you’ll do your homework tomorrow.”

Our definition of empowering is, "Turning control over to young people as soon as possible so they have power over their own lives."  All of the following Empowering Responses are possibilities that can be used in response to neglected homework as well as other challenges you may be experiencing:

1. SHOW FAITH: "I have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when it's important to you, you'll know what to do."
2. RESPECT PRIVACY: "I respect your privacy and want you to know I'm available if you want to discuss this with me."
3. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS: "I'm not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, I'll hand the phone to you or tell her she'll need to discuss it with you. "A respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential.
4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING OR JUDGING: "I would like to hear what this means for you."
5. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: "I'm willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but I'm not willing to get involved at the last minute." "If you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance."
6. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT:  “I’m available to help with homework between 7:00 and 8:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects.”
7. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS: “I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’ll be available Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7:00 to 8:00.”
8. LET GO OF THEIR ISSUES: "I hope you'll go to college, but I'm not sure it's important to you."
9. AGREEMENT NOT RULES: "Could we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with?"
10. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: "I love you just the way you are and respect you to choose what is right for you."
11. ASK FOR HELP: "I need your help. Can you explain to me why it isn't important to you to do your homework?"
12. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the "I feel ______ because _______  and I wish" process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for children to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. "I feel upset when you don't do your homework because I value education so much and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life and I really wish you would do it.
13. JOINT PROBLEM SOLVING: "What is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?"
14. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: "I'm feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Let's put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when I'm not so emotional."
15. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: "I notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework." "I notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done."
16. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that poor grade. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”

If you are used to using short-range solutions of control and rescuing, you might not realize how powerful these empowering statements are.  Empowering statements and actions are important because they turn control over to your kids so they have power over their own lives. This power often leads to mistakes and failure. When you understand and trust that learning from mistakes and failure is an important part of a successful life process, you may find it easier to use the empowering statements.  If what you are currently doing isn’t working, take a leap of faith and work on using empowering statements with your kids.

Taken from: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/07/helpful-hints-for-empowering-vs-enabling.html#sthash.CqSaTwH8.dpuf

NOVEMBER 10 - 14

Four Steps For Winning Cooperation
An excerpt from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

1. Express understanding for the child’s feelings. Be sure to check with him to see if you are right.
2. Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone. It simply means you understand the child’s perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done in a sincere and friendly manner, you will have created a connection and the child will be ready to listen to you.
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the problem. If he doesn’t, offer some suggestions. After making a list of several solutions, choose one that feels helpful to both of you.

An attitude of friendliness, caring, and respect are essential to these steps. Your decision to create a connection will be enough to create positive feelings in you. After the first two steps, the child will be won over, too. He will now be ready to hear you when you use the third step (even if you may have expressed your feelings many times before without being heard.) The fourth step —(invite the child to focus on a solution) is likely to be effective now that you have created an atmosphere of respect.

Mrs. Martinez shared the following experience where she first created distance and hostility and then used the four steps for wining cooperation to correct her mistake and create closeness and trust.

Her daughter, Linda, came home from school complaining that her teacher had yelled at her in front of the whole class. Mrs. Martinez put her hands on her hips and asked Linda in an accusing voice, "Well, what did you do?" Linda dropped her eyes and angrily replied, "I didn’t do anything." Mrs. Martinez said, "Oh, come on, teachers don’t yell at students for nothing. What did you do?"

Linda flopped on the couch with a sullen look on her face and just glared at her mother. Mrs. Martinez continued in her accusing tone, "Well, what are you going to do to solve this problem?" Linda belligerently replied, "Nothing."

At this point Mrs. Martinez remembered the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation. She took a deep breath, changed her attitude, and commented in a friendly tone of voice, "I’ll bet you felt embarrassed to have the teacher yell at you in front of the others." (Step 1. Express understanding.)

Linda looked up at her mother with suspicious interest. Mrs. Martinez then shared, "I can remember once in the fourth grade that happened to me just because I got up to sharpen my pencil during a math test. I was so embarrassed and angry that my teacher would yell at me in front of the whole class." (Step 2. Show empathy without condoning—and share a similar experience.)

Linda was interested now. "Really?" she said, "All I did was ask to borrow a pencil. I certainly didn’t think it was fair for my teacher to yell at me for that."

Mrs. Martinez said, "Well, I can certainly understand how you must have felt. Can you think of anything you might do to avoid that kind of embarrassing situation in the future?" (Step 4. Invite child to focus on a solution. Step 3 was not necessary in this case.) Linda responded, "I suppose I could be sure I had more than one pencil, so I would not have to borrow."

Mrs. Martinez said, "That sounds like an excellent idea."

One of Mrs. Martinez’s goals was to help Linda behave in ways that would not invite her teacher’s anger and disapproval. Notice that the first time she invited Linda to think about what she could do to solve the problem; Linda was feeling too hostile to cooperate. Once her mother used encouragement to create a connection (through the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation), Linda felt closeness and trust instead of distance and hostility,and was willing to think of a solution. When her mother was able to see things from Linda’s point of view, Linda no longer felt the need to be defensive.

Mrs. Jones also used the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation when she learned that her six-year-old son, Jeff, had been stealing. She found a quiet time when no one else was around and asked Jeff to come sit on her lap—a great way to create connection. She then told Jeff she had heard about him stealing a pack of gum from the store. (Notice she didn’t "set him up" by asking him if he had done something when she already knew he had.) Next she shared a time when she was in the fifth grade and had stolen an eraser from a store; she knew she shouldn’t have done it, and it made her feel very guilty, so she decided it wasn’t worth it. Jeff said defensively, "But the store has so much gum." Mrs. Jones then led Jeff in a discussion exploring how much gum and other merchandise the store owner had to sell in order to pay his rent, pay employees, pay for inventory, and earn enough money to live on. Jeff admitted he had never thought of that. They also discussed how they wouldn’t like to have others take their things. Jeff confided he did not want to steal things anymore, and that he would pay for the gum he had stolen. Mrs. Jones offered to go with him for moral support.

Mrs. Jones was able to create a connection and win Jeff over by not accusing, blaming, or lecturing. Jeff did not have to feel he was a bad person for what he had done, and he was willing to explore socially responsible reasons for not doing it again. Also, he was able to participate in a solution that, although embarrassing for him, would be a very valuable life lesson for future behavior. He was able to do this because his mother created a feeling of support rather than attack and defensiveness.

The Feeling Behind What You Do Or Say Is More Important Than What You Do Or Say

What we do is never as important as how we do it. The feeling and attitude behind what we do will determine the how. An adult can ask, "What did you learn from this?" with a tone of voice that is blaming and shaming or with a tone of voice that shows empathy and interest. An adult can create an atmosphere that invites closeness and trust, or an atmosphere that creates distance and hostility. It is amazing how many adults believe they can have a positive influence on children after creating distance and hostility instead of a connection of closeness and trust. (Do they really believe this—or are they simply reacting without thinking?)

The feeling behind words is often most evident in our tone of voice. Adding humiliation violates the basic concept of mutual respect. It also changes what could be a logical consequence into punishment, which won’t achieve positive long-term effects. If a child spills milk on the floor, the logical solution would be for her to clean it up. It remains a logical solution so long as the adult engages the child through kind but firm words, such as "Whoops, what do you need to do about that?" (Notice how much more engaging it is to ask the child what she needs to do instead of telling her what she needs to do. Asking instead of telling is one of the most effective Positive Discipline methods you will learn and is discussed in more detail in Chapter Six.

Telling invites resistance and rebellion. Respectfully involving children invites them to feel capable and to use their power in contributing ways. A request becomes a punishment when adults don’t use a tone of voice that is kind and respectful or adds humiliation, such as, "How can you be so clumsy? Clean that up right now, and let me pour the milk from now on since you can’t seem to get it right."

Adlerian psychology provides a set of basic concepts that offer a wealth of knowledge to help us increase our understanding of children and of ourselves, but it is so much more than just theory. The basic concepts are lost without attitudes of encouragement, understanding, and respect. If these attitudes are not understood, the techniques will be reduced to disrespectful manipulation. We will be more effective with children if we always ask ourselves, "Is what I am doing empowering or discouraging?" Have I taken the time to create a connection before attempting correction?

Taken from: http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/winning-cooperation.html#sthash.CZkx5QK9.dpuf

NOVEMBER 3 - 7

6 Things Teenagers Need

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In no order of things is adolescence the simple time of life.     –Jean Erskine Stewart

Parents of a teenage boy watched their son walk out to the father’s truck, get in and drive off.  “But I was firm with him,” said the husband to his disbelieving spouse.  “I did better than last time.  For a couple minutes, I had him thinking he wasn’t going to get the truck keys.”

How many times have you felt the same way as this frustrated father?  It can be very difficult when trying to deal with an adolescent.  Adolescent!  The name alone can send chills up the backs of many parents.  It may seem like just yesterday that you and your teenager had a great relationship–one that didn’t seem so confusing or frustrating.  I’m not trying to imply that as your child moves into adolescence everything is going to change and become terrible.  Every child is unique and will respond to the teenage years differently.  However, what I can guarantee is that things will change.  During this period of change, what does your teen need?  Plenty.

Psychologist, Dr. Bruce Naramore states in his excellent book, Parenting Teens, that teenagers have six basic needs which need to be fulfilled during adolescence in order to become healthy, well-adjusted adults.

1.  Develop their distinct identity and a sense of their uniqueness.

As parents, we can have a tremendous influence on their identity or self-esteem.  By identity, I mean the way a teen feels about himself–positive or negative.  There are some important things we can do as parents to help increase a teen’s identity.  First, help identify areas of interest.  Every teenager has a particular area of interest or areas where they excel.  Whether it is in athletics, music, school, art, or ministry, help your teen to identify his area of competence.  Second, provide praise and encouragement.  It is vital that teenagers receive praise and encouragement from parents or other influential adults.

2.  Progressively separate themselves from their childhood dependency on their parents.  You can do something to help them during this transition.  Get your son or daughter involved with a “mentor.”  A mentor can be a powerful force as teens develop convictions because “outside instruction” can make a special impression on their lives.

3.  Develop meaningful relationships with peers and others outside the family.

As you may have already discovered, teenagers enjoy spending exceedingly more time away from home than they did at younger ages.  Your adolescent’s new found peer group is important in order to satisfy their need for companionship and fun, along with emotional support, understanding and intimacy.  Although they still need these things from their families and other adults, it’s vital in their development to receive these things from friends as well.

4.  Develop their capacity to relate well to the opposite sex.

What can we do specifically to assist teenagers in making decisions about their relationships with the opposite sex?  If you are considering allowing dating then develop a dating contract.  Having a written contract helps take the pressure off guessing when a teen is ready to date.  It’s impossible to say that someone is ready to date at a specific age.  Instead, dating readiness should be the result of a teenager displaying certain internal character qualities like honor, integrity, responsibility and resistance to peer pressure..  The dating contract can provide the family with accountability, fairness, clarity, security and togetherness.

5.  Gain the confidence and skills to prepare for a career, economic independency, and other adult responsibilities.  Not only is it important to encourage teenagers in the areas that they have interest, but it is also necessary to teach them real skills.  The straightforward teaching of skills to adolescents often results in increased achievement and, thus, in enhanced self-esteem.  In other words, the more skills a teenager acquires (e.g., how to cook, change the oil, fix something broken, or build something), the better he will feel about himself.

6.  Fashion their faith and value commitments and basic attitude toward life.

In a survey to over 5,000 adults, the question was asked,  “How did your parents help you develop your own spiritual convictions?”  Overwhelmingly, the number one response was: Church attendance.  The significance is that church is an important way to help your teenagers to foster ownership of their spiritual convictions.

As a parent, what can you do to assist your teen as he or she masters these six important needs?  You must make time when your teenagers need it–watching for teachable moments.  Teens might go a whole day without seeking our help.  But as Dr. Ross Campbell explains in his book, How to Really Love Your Teenager, teens have something like a “container” built within them and every once in a while they run out of “emotional gas.”  This is when they come up and need to be close to us.  They need touching, listening, understanding, and our time.

When they come to us, we must be careful what we communicate.  If we say, “Not now, I’m busy,” they’ll observe what we are doing and compare their importance to it.  After we have filled their “emotional gas tank” they usually are off to be with their friends.  Maybe we haven’t explained everything we wanted to say, but they’re filled up.  And that’s okay.  A teenager needs to know that he’s valuable and that his parents are available at times when he needs them.

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Greg Smalley serves as executive director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family and is passionate to equip premarital and married couples with the knowledge, skills and insights necessary to enjoy a lifetime together.

Taken from: http://www.imom.com/6-things-teenagers-need/ 

OCTOBER 27 - 31

Why Teaching Kindness in Schools Is Essential to Reduce Bullying

Phrases like "random acts of kindness" and "pay it forward" have become popular terms in modern society. Perhaps this could be best explained by those who have identified a deficiency in their lives that can only be fulfilled by altruism.

It seems that we just can't get enough of those addictive, feel-good emotions -- and with good reason. Scientific studies prove that kindness has many physical, emotional, and mental health benefits. And children need a healthy dose of the warm-and-fuzzies to thrive as healthy, happy, well-rounded individuals.

Patty O'Grady, PhD, an expert in neuroscience, emotional learning, and positive psychology, specializes in education. She reports:

Kindness changes the brain by the experience of kindness. Children and adolescents do not learn kindness by only thinking about it and talking about it. Kindness is best learned by feeling it so that they can reproduce it.

A great number of benefits have been reported to support teaching kindness in schools, best summed up by the following.

Happy, Caring Children

The good feelings that we experience when being kind are produced by endorphins. They activate areas of the brain that are associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust. These feelings of joyfulness are proven to be contagious and encourage more kind behavior (also known as altruism) by the giver and recipient.

Increased Peer Acceptance

Research on the subject has determined that kindness increases our ability to form meaningful connections with others. Kind, happy children enjoy greater peer acceptance because they are well liked. Better-than-average mental health is reported in classrooms that practice more inclusive behavior due to an even distribution of popularity.

Greater Sense of Belonging and Improved Self-Esteem

Studies show that people experience a "helper's high" when they do a good deed. This rush of endorphins creates a lasting sense of pride, wellbeing, and an enriched sense of belonging. It's reported that even small acts of kindness heighten our sense of wellbeing, increase energy, and give a wonderful feeling of optimism and self worth.

Improved Health and Less Stress

Being kind can trigger a release of the hormone oxytocin, which has a number of physical and mental health benefits. Oxytocin can significantly increase a person's level of happiness and reduce stress levels. It also protects the heart by lowering blood pressure and reducing free radicals and inflammation, which incidentally speed up the aging process.

Increased Feelings of Gratitude

When children are part of projects that help others less fortunate than themselves, it provides them with a real sense of perspective. Helping someone else makes them appreciate the good things in their own lives.

Better Concentration and Improved Results

Kindness is a key ingredient that helps children feel good about themselves as it increases serotonin levels. This important chemical affects learning, memory, mood, sleep, health, and digestion. Having a positive outlook enables greater attention spans and more creative thinking to produce better results at school.

Reduced Depression

Dr. Wayne Dyer, an internationally-renowned author and speaker, says that an act of kindness triggers an increase in serotonin, a natural chemical responsible for improving mood. This boost in happiness occurs not only in both the giver and receiver of kindness, but also in anyone who witnesses it.This makes kindness a powerful, natural antidepressant. (PDF, 14KB)

Less Bullying

Shanetia Clark and Barbara Marinak are Penn State Harrisburg faculty researchers. They say, "Unlike previous generations, today's adolescents are victimizing each other at alarming rates." They argue that adolescent bullying and violence can be confronted with in-school programs that integrate "kindness -- the antithesis of victimization."

Many traditional anti-bullying programs focus on the negative actions that cause anxiety in children. When kindness and compassion are taught instead, it fosters the positive behavior that's expected. Promoting its psychological opposite is key in reducing bullying to create warm and inclusive school environments.

Maurice Elias, Professor at Rutgers University Psychology Department, is also an advocate for kindness. He says:

As a citizen, grandparent, father, and professional, it is clear to me that the mission of schools must include teaching kindness. Without it, communities, families, schools, and classrooms become places of incivility where lasting learning is unlikely to take place . . . [W]e need to be prepared to teach kindness, because it can be delayed due to maltreatment early in life. It can be smothered under the weight of poverty, and it can be derailed by victimization later in life . . . Kindness can be taught, and it is a defining aspect of civilized human life. It belongs in every home, school, neighborhood, and society.

It's become quite clear that modern education must encompass more than just academics, and that matters of the heart must be taken seriously and nurtured as a matter of priority.

How do you teach kindness? Has it reduced bullying at your school?

Taken from: http://www.edutopia.org/blog/teaching-kindness-essential-reduce-bullying-lisa-currie?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=post&utm_campaign=blog-teaching-kindness-essential-reduct-bullying-link

OCTOBER 13 - 17

OCTOBER 6 - 10

10 Life Skills Your Teen Needs Before Leaving Home

By Nancy Jergins

Nancy Jergins has written about relationship and family issues for more than 15 years, and does her best to enlighten and encourage others with her words.

When my firstborn turned 18, it caused me to question: Did I do what I set out to do? Is she ready for college, work, marriage, and children? Can she take care of herself, pay bills, look both ways when she crosses the street?

It really didn’t seem possible… 18 years old, graduation in three months, gone in five. My heart was breaking and yet when I looked at her, I was so excited for her. I may not have accomplished everything I set out to do, but she had become more than I could have dreamed. If your child is preparing for college, get a head start by making sure you address these 10 life skills your teen needs before they leave home.

1. Basic cooking skills. Make sure your child can prepare a few simple, healthy, economical dishes and understands how the high cost of dining out can destroy a budget and a waistline.

2. Budgeting and money management skills. Make sure your child knows how to live within a budget, and understands the pitfalls of using credit irresponsibly.

3. Personal healthcare knowledge. Ensure that your child knows how to self-diagnose simple illnesses, knows how to check his or her own temperature, and knows which over-the-counter medications to take for which symptoms.

4. Good social skills and manners. Knowing how to carry on a conversation with adults will help your child with college instructors and potential employers. Basic manners, such as saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ will help your child make a good first impression with new acquaintances.

5. Auto maintenance skills. It’s important for your child to know how often her car should be serviced and how to change a tire in an emergency.

6. Essential domestic skills. Your child doesn’t have to be Martha Stewart, but should know how to do her own laundry, clean her own dorm room or apartment, and handle small household emergencies like a clogged toilet.

7. Being a good judge of character. Friends influence us more than we care to admit. Help your child learn to assess whether someone is a good friend who will help him to be his best, or a bad apple.

8. Work skills and basic responsibility. To have success in college or on the job, one has to know how to be punctual, stay on task until the job is done, and pay attention to the details.

9. The ability to discern between love and infatuation. Young adulthood is a season of lots of romantic stops and starts. Make sure your child understands the difference between the kind of mutual love you can build a marriage on and passing infatuation based simply upon attraction.

10. The ability to admit fault and start over. We all make mistakes. Help your child learn how to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” and take responsibility for those mistakes. A young person who can do that will be able to regroup and try again in work, in the classroom, and in relationships.

Taken from: http://www.imom.com/10-life-skills-your-teen-needs-before-leaving-home/ 

SEPTEMBER 22 - 26

Discipline for Teens

Lifting up our teens with affirmation, blameless love, and connectedness is critical for their health. But like a table, a fourth leg is needed to keep things on an equilibrium—the leg of parental guidance and enforced boundaries. If teens are to stay safe and healthy, your love must be balanced by and actively demonstrated through appropriate, loving discipline.

The term discipline has several meanings, and the nuances are worth examining. The dictionary’s first definition of the noun discipline is “training that develops self-control, character, or orderliness and efficiency.” Yet when most parents hear the word discipline, they equate it with “punishment,” which is the fourth meaning given by the dictionary.

Just because your teens are nearing full physical maturation doesn’t mean your days of parental discipline are over. Just the contrary. Teens still disobey, still act untrustworthy, and still display woeful attitudes around the house on occasion. Obviously, the old methods of discipline no longer work. You can’t ask Johnny to stand in a corner or turn a rebellious teen over your knee for an old-fashioned spanking. Those days are long gone, but good discipline is absolutely necessary and helps teens learn to function in a highly healthy fashion.

Maintaining discipline will require occasional instances of punishment — and the more creative, the better. Telling your teen he can’t see his friends ever again is over the top, but a Friday night without TV or videos or computer games will capture his attention. Extra chores around the house can send a message. And don’t forget that teens who drive hate to lose the keys to the family car. Right discipline defines protective boundaries and reminds your teen that there will invariably be consequences for breaching those boundaries.

Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them. Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents. (King Solomon — The Message)

Six Keys to Protecting Teens through Discipline

Long before I left my medical practice to work for Focus on the Family, I had read every Dr. Dobson book on how to raise children and be a good parent. Dr. Dobson articulated his classic principles so well I don’t think you have to go anywhere else.

Barb and I felt as though we were sitting at his feet whenever we read — and reread — a chapter from Dare to Discipline or The Strong-Willed Child.

From Dr. Dobson’s writings, we found six key principles, which I outlined in God’s Design for the Highly Healthy Child and apply here to teens:

1.    Define the boundaries before they are enforced.

Teens have the right to know what is and what is not acceptable behavior before they are held responsible for breaking the rules. You can’t say “You have to be in by 11:00 p.m.” and not tell your teens what the consequences are for being fifteen minutes late, thirty minutes late, or one hour late. If you’re going to enforce curfew by the minute, then say so. If you’re going to have a fifteen-minute grace period before they’re officially late, then say so. Either way, let them know in advance what the consequences are for breaking curfew.

2.    Avoid making impossible demands.

Sure, all parents would love their kids to take AP courses, get high SAT scores, and have 4.0 report cards. But few teens are capable of being whizzes in the classroom. Even in this era of grade inflation, a straight-A report card is still a rare event in school these days. By the same token, some dads want to relive their glory days on the gridiron, so they place subtle pressure on their sons to be All-League football players when in actuality they contribute to the team in a backup role. Parents should set the bar, but it takes a thoughtful parent to place the bar just high enough to push his or her teen to greater heights without deflating the ego. Is your teen performing at a level that makes sense for his or her gifts and abilities? If so,you’ve set the bar at the right height.

3.    Distinguish between irresponsibility and willful defiance.

Teens can act goofy sometimes or like little Machiavellians. There’s a difference between irresponsibility, such as leaving the car windows down overnight when a thunderstorm hits, and willful defiance, such as coming in after midnight when he knew full well he should have been home an hour earlier. This is an area where you can show grace — God’s grace — as you effectively discern what your teen’s motives were for his or her acts of negligence or defiance.

4.    When defiantly challenged, respond with confident decisiveness.

Intuitively you know the difference between irresponsibility and willful defiance, and when your teen has thrown down the gauntlet, you must respond in kind. Dr. Dobson suggests that when children “make it clear that they’re looking for a fight, you would be wise not to disappoint them!”When nose-to-nose confrontations happen, it’s extremely important to know ahead of time what you will do — and then to respond confidently.

5.    Reassure and teach after the confrontation is over. 

Remember how you hugged your toddler after a spanking to let him know that everything was going to be all right? You don’t spank teens, of course, but they still need to hear your reassurance that you love them. You may need to remind them of the ways they can avoid correction or punishment in the future. Teens never outgrow their need for reassurance after times of discipline.

6.    Let love be your guide!

It doesn’t do any good to get into a shouting match. Sure, your teens will do things to make you angry, but you must keep your cool. During these few remaining years they live under your roof, you have a powerful opportunity to model adult ways of handling conflict, which will help them in the workplace and in their relationships in the future.

Taken from: http://www.imom.com/discipline-for-teens/