The Recipe for How to Discipline Kids
While
I was in the checkout line at the grocery store the other day, I started
thumbing through a magazine that gives tips for getting the most out of
recipes. In one article, a photo showed two stacks of pancakes. One stack
was inches taller than the other, even though both stacks had the same number
of pancakes. The caption said that the shorter stack had been overmixed, and
that had made the pancakes less fluffy.
Don’t
ask me why, but it made me think about how that applied to raising children,
and the best recipe for how to discipline kids. Specifically, it got me
thinking about how we sometimes overmix, or over discipline our children. We
have good intentions and want our children to be their best, but we overmix—too
much scolding, too many rules, too many consequences. Pretty soon, our kids,
like the flat pancakes, aren’t able to reach their potential.
Here’s
how to find the right ingredients in the right amount for the recipe for
how to discipline kids.
What
goes into a recipe pretty much determines your result. But the amount of
ingredients you use is right up there in importance. Same goes with parenting.
You need good ingredients in the right amounts.
Love.
You
can never add too much love to your discipline recipe. In fact, without love,
the other ingredients don’t even matter. Love is what motivates us to make good
choices for our children. It helps us to hold our tongue when we want to
lose our temper with them. It helps us move forward with tough choices because
we know it will help our children in the long run. Love isn’t indulgence, by
the way. All discipline should be mixed with love.
Rules.
Children
really do want boundaries. Rules and boundaries give your children something to
shoot for so that they can earn your approval. Child discipline without rules
isn’t really fair because your children don’t know where they stand. On the
other hand, too many rules can rob a child of the opportunity to learn things
for himself. So instead of constantly reminding your children of specific
things not to do, give them general rules — We don’t say words that hurt others’
feelings. Once they have those general guidelines, let them
figure out how to live within them.
Consequences.
Yes,
there should be consequences for misbehavior. But not all misbehavior is the same.
Our Consequence
Calculator can
help you figure out just the right consequence and the right amount. You’ll
also want to show your children grace when you can. If your child keeps making
the same mistake over and over, try to be patient. If you have given a
consequence more than once that day, try talking to your child instead. If
they’re old enough, go a little deeper and give her the reason for your rules
and your consequence.
“Sarah,
I love you so much that I can’t let you have a temper tantrum when you don’t
get your way. I’ve put you in time out twice already today, and I will keep
doing that until you can choose a different response when you’re angry. But for
now, come here so I can hug you. I know you want to do what’s right, and I know
you can.”
Firmness.
A
friend of mine feels that yelling is an effective way to discipline her
children. She thinks it shows them she means business. Well, while it might get
their attention, it’s an ineffective way to get lasting results. Harshness puts
a barrier between mom and child. There is no need for harshness in a positive
discipline recipe. Firmness, on the other hand, shows the child that mom is
serious about getting to the heart of the discipline problem. So be sure you know the difference between firmness and
harshness.
Conversation.
I
was talking to a 10-year-old girl the other day in a class setting. The topic
was getting blamed for something that wasn’t your fault. “When I try to tell my
mom and dad my side of the story, they get mad.” She shook her head for
emphasis and said, “I’ll never try to do that again!”
There
are times when our children need to do what we say without any talking back or
argument. For example, if we’ve already discussed the issue and given a
consequence, they need to obey without dragging us into a back and forth heated
discussion. But when we can give our children a chance to share in the
conversation while we are disciplining them, we should let them talk, if they
can do it respectfully.
Dr.
Scott Turansky says older
children should be able to earn the right to a “wise appeal.” By letting our children have a voice,
it shows them that we value their opinion and that we’re reasonable. So add
conversation to your recipe for how to discipline your kids, when you can.
