How
to Survive Middle School
I never expected middle
school to be quite so difficult for my daughter (more on that in a minute). But
now that she’s in eighth grade — and thriving — I realize that the three
stages of middle school are very much like the ivy my husband is growing on our
backyard wall.
He told me that
growing ivy has three stages: the first year, it sleeps; the second year, it
creeps; and the third year, it leaps. That’s exactly how middle school unfolds
for many children. The first year they’re trying to figure out how to grow
in the very different academic and social soil of middle school.
The second year of middle school they’ll usually creep forward and at
least move in the right direction. Finally, eighth grade often brings
greater confidence and steady growth, all just in time to get ready for the
challenge of high school.
Of course, the better
prepared you are for these stages, the more you’ll be able to help your
children not just survive middle school, but thrive. These tips will help
you get ready, Mom.
Tip 1: Get to know your new child.
The little girl or boy of
the elementary years is a new creature entirely when they enter sixth
grade. Not
only are there physical changes and hormonal shifts that are beyond their
control, there is also a shifting school landscape they’re trying to navigate.
While they’re adjusting, you might see new sides to your child you didn’t even
know existed. Your serious little student might change into a child that craves
social approval. Your outgoing and confident child might suddenly become more
quiet and unsure of himself.
My daughter, an excellent
student in elementary school, cried to me one day that she no longer
wanted to be known as a kid who was “into the books.” I felt like saying, “What
do you mean? Being a good student is a wonderful thing!” But instead, I held
back and let her pursue her different path—up to a point. She did focus less on
academics and tried to gain entry into the popular crowd. When that didn’t
succeed, she spent almost her entire seventh-grade year in a slump. It wasn’t
until the end of seventh grade when she had matured a bit that she turned
back to her studies and made friends with a new group who were also motivated to
do well. Now that she’s in eighth grade, she’s doing well in the classroom and
socially. My job during this time was to let her try out this new
persona while standing by ready to swoop in if things got out of hand.
Tip 2. Get to know your new role.
The above story about my
daughter illustrates the need for mothers of middle schoolers to be less
involved in the day-to-day directing of their children’s choices. Developmental
psychologist Jean Piaget found that children in the middle school years are
learning to think abstractly. As moms, letting our children work through
situations on their own helps them develop the skills they’ll need as adults to
factor long-term consequences into their choices. And while our children are
growing more independent, we need to ponder.
But don’t step out of
your child’s life too much. You still need to be there for him as a sounding
board and a guide. The ideal parenting style for middle schoolers is the
authoritative approach. It allows for more dialogue between parent and child,
rather than a “do this because I said so” approach.
Tip 3. Get to know your child’s new world.
When my daughter was in
elementary school, I knew her teachers very well. Now that she has six
different teachers, I’m less familiar with them. Same goes with the children in
her grade. As more and more new students have started attending her school,
there are lots of kids and families I don’t know at all. So I’m having to work
harder at getting to know the world my child now lives in.
iMOM Director Susan
Merrill says, “Moms need a “mom mafia” —a network of
other moms who share information with each other about what’s going on in their
children’s lives and at their children’s school. Get to know other moms and
encourage them to be open with you about what they’ve heard, and you do the
same. Confidentiality is important. Also reach out to your children’s teachers
as needed, but make sure your children don’t know about it. Step in when
necessary to supplement your child’s efforts, but let them think they’re taking
the lead. Of course, you always want them to know that they can turn to you for
anything and that you’ll help them figure things out. What advice do you
have for moms of middle school kids?
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