WEEK OF MARCH 26 - 30

Ten Mistakes Parents Make with Teens

1. Lecture Rather Than Discuss
We want our teens to grow into responsible adults able to make decisions. Why then do we fall back on the old lecture when we should be using any problem area as an opportunity to teach a child the process of making a good decision? Treating them like little children rather than budding adults simply alienates teens. This is not to say they no longer need guidance, it just has to be handled in a more adult manner, with discussion, negotiation, and understanding of the conflicting needs of maturing teens. They need the safety of the home and knowledge that the parents are there, but not suffocating control of an overprotective despot.

2. Ignore the Obvious
Our teens are suddenly sleeping late, missing classes, missing curfew, not introducing new friends, and we write it off as "normal teen behavior." We often wait until the situation is urgent, burying our heads in the sand to avoid confrontation and more displays of our teen's belligerent, hostile attitude. Overreacting or underreacting...

3. Not Following Through on Rules and Consequences
"You are grounded!" "That's it; no allowance this week!" Most parents have no problem creating punishments for breaking the rules. It's what happens a few days or so later that creates the cycle of defiance: your teen drives you nuts until you back down on the consequence. If you set rules, it is important to make clear in advance the consequences for breaking that rule. If that rule is broken, if you do not enforce the consequences you set, your teen has just learned that getting away with breaking the rules is really a piece of cake.

4. Setting Unreasonable Goals
Make sure that when you set goals, they are attainable. If your child has a learning disability, yelling at them for not doing well on a math test probably will not help them do better next time. Set expectations that allow the child to succeed based on his or her abilities. If your child needs academic help, find out about local tutoring and after-schools programs. If you want your child to be a concert pianist and they simply can't get to the next level, find out if there is something else they might have a natural ability to do well in.

5. Pointing Out Only the Negative, Expecting Only the Positive
Do you just expect good behavior, good grades, and, well, utter goodness, with little encouragement or praises, yet quickly jump on every mistake or example of poor judgment like a pit bull? Some parents believe a job well done is its own reward. While this is true, there is nothing that encourages a child more than the positive feedback of a parent. This is not to say you should jump up and down with joy just because your child didn't skip class this week. If you set consequences for bad behavior, the reward is getting to do the things they normally enjoy. Think of it this way: When you show up at your job every day your boss doesn't praise you for being there; he pays you your wages as he or she normally would.

6. Leaving the Educating up to "Someone Else"
Assuming your child will learn about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and other risky behaviors at school or elsewhere is a risky assumption at best. Studies have show kids whose parents talk to them about high-risk behaviors and who set clear guidelines about the consequences for engaging in these behaviors are less likely to smoke, drink, use drugs, or have sex.

7. Giving Up on Family Time - Too Much of a Hassle
Family time is essential. Setting time aside every day for the family to eat together and talk is one of the best defenses against negative peer influences on your teens. Make time for your children on a daily basis to keep communication open. Parents who spend time with their children will be more aware of changes in their demeanor and behavior. Parents who do not spend time with their children often take longer to notice changes in their teens that could signify behavioral or emotional issues.

8. Assume Good Grades Mean No Other Problems
A smart kid who does well in school may be able to maintain good grades even though they are drinking or using drugs. In fact, they may know that by maintaining their grades they will avoid your suspicion. Don't write off other signs of trouble just because the grades are not slipping.

9. Not Taking the Time to Know What's Up with Adolescents Today
We were all teens once. But teens are different every generation. They have different music and other cultural influences. The teen icons of the 70s and 80s were very different than the icons of today. Media influences are much stronger today as well. Not only are teens exposed to more outside influences on TV, they are also exposed to the Internet where there really are no rules of engagement. Anyone can put up a website. For example, there are websites by anorexic girls that teach other girls how to hide their disorder. It is a good idea to know the Internet and other cultural influences that may impact your child and impact their decision making. One of the best ways to keep a close eye on these influences is to put computers in common areas, making it more difficult for teens to secretly visit sites that might negatively influence their choices or even put them in danger.

10. Giving Up Too Soon: Forgetting the "Three Times" Rule
Most teens who have already figured out creative ways to get what they want will not "buckle down" after one attempt to change their behavior, especially if you have backed down on consequences consistently for a period of time. Face it: your teen is going to test your resolve. They are going to test it once, twice, and again. Some teens will look for that crack in the armor to appear and test every time they see it. Teens are smart. They know if you are tired and frustrated, and they often have an uncanny ability to test you just when you are least likely to have the energy to resist. Don't give up. Be consistent. Stay vigilant. This might sound alarmist, but as a parent, your primary job is to raise your children to be independent adults. If you relinquish this full-time responsibility, someone else will teach them the ropes, and that someone may not have their best interests in mind.

Taken from: http://www.byparents-forparents.com/article7.html

WEEK OF MARCH 19 -23

Building Responsibility in the Tween Years

Posted By Mark Gregston On September 16, 2009 @ 1:30 pm In Mark Gregston,parenting communications,Parenting Tweens 

The beginning of the school year can bring a new set of challenges for parents of kids just entering adolescence – the group of kids that marketers refer to as “tweens.” The ages vary, but for the purposes of this article, tweens are 9-12 years old.
Parents may be shocked by school reports that their young tween isn’t taking responsibility for completing his homework and may be failing in his classes as a result, especially if the child was previously studious. It can happen at this age because tweens are given more responsibility from their teachers to take the ball and run with it, but some have difficulty getting in the game. Work that was once organized and completed in the classroom is now required to be done solo and at home.
When you learn that your tween’s grades are failing, I have some thoughts for you to consider.
Some kids just need to know that their parents are concerned and that “steps will be taken” if they don’t get on track. That is often enough to get the tween back on track. But others simply refuse to take on their growing responsibilities, so their parents would be wise to solve the problem now, or it could continue for years to come.
Before you jump into action, however, you need to understand that your life shouldn’t revolve around chasing after your tween’s mistakes and finding ways to fix them. Fixing their problems for them is just giving them reason to continue being irresponsible.
Until your child feels truly responsible, they’ll not stop being irresponsible.
Tweens who are irresponsible — and happy to be so – often have parents who are just the opposite. What these parents don’t realize is that they can be part of the problem, since the more the more they’ve done historically to solve the child’s problems for them, the less likely the tween will feel the need to fix their own. It can become a vicious cycle of the parent rescuing the child and the child repeating irresponsible behavior throughout the tween and teen years and even into adulthood.
Has your tween or teen already figured out that he can ignore things because you will rescue him? Do you spend time trying to figure out how to solve his problems and holding his hand, while he remains oblivious of how his irresponsibility and immaturity is affecting you, himself and others? If so, you’ve got some rough days ahead if you don’t make some changes now.
One mother asked me, “How can my brilliant daughter behave so irresponsibly? School should be easy for her, and yet she just doesn’t seem to care!” Unless there is some hidden personal problem, drug use, or unusual emotional turmoil, the answer is simple. A “tween” behaves irresponsibly because children are irresponsible. She hasn’t yet made the transition out of childhood and may not like the idea of taking on responsibility – at least not yet.
Kids do not automatically become more responsible due to their age or physical attributes. Those qualities are learned by the example of others and through facing responsibility in their life, like doing chores or working in a part-time job. If they fail to follow through on the most basic responsibilities, like completing their school work, the parent’s role is to help them face some consequences for continued immaturity, such as losing some of their privileges and freedoms. Such consequences can help train the tween to be more mature in their decisions and to follow through in the future. The key is to teach responsibility early, even if it doesn’t seem like there’s a need for the tween to “grow up” quite yet.
For instance, when your son is failing in math because he’s not doing his homework, and you know he is fully capable of passing the class, your first reaction needs to be to make it less comfortable for him to continue being irresponsible. Perhaps the time and recognition he would have enjoyed from being on the football team needs to be replaced by spending time after school sitting at a desk with a tutor (not you). Don’t rescue him by allowing him to still go to football practice (a privilege he enjoys) while fitting in the tutor at another time. Other consequences could be to take the cell phone or cut off online access until better results are seen on the next school report.
The point is, make it uncomfortable for him to remain irresponsible. And be sure to hand the problem back to your tween, making him responsible to solve his own problem. First, tell him that you welcome any questions he may have about his school work, but you won’t do it for him, you won’t be his tutor, and you won’t check on his daily progress. Why not? Because by doing so you would be managing his problem for him, instead of allowing him to manage it himself. Again, if he needs help in organizing things, then give him suggestions, but only if he asks for it. Don’t become his personal secretary, calendar or alarm clock. And don’t nag him to get his school work done.
Instead, tell him that on his next regularly scheduled progress report from school, every teacher must report grades he is fully capable of (state what those grades should be) and that he has completed all homework assignments — every single one – or whatever privilege you took from him will not be restored (no football, no cell phone, etc.). Moreover, if even one teacher tells you that there is a missing assignment, tell him you will immediately cancel his cell phone, or otherwise make more permanent whatever privilege it was that you took from him.
On a more positive note, also throw in a carrot for going above and beyond the call of duty; like, if he works extra hard and his grades exceed your minimum expectations, other privileges or freedoms will be granted to him on top of getting back the privileges he lost. It can help to throw in such added incentives, but be sure not to offer them to a child for doing what’s ordinarily expected; only reward what’s extraordinary.
Then, follow through!
If you don’t follow through with what you say you are going to do, you have issued an empty warning. Your tween will learn that you really do not mean what you say, and that he is ultimately not responsible to manage the problems he creates. His attitude and behavior will get worse throughout the teen years and you will dive a little deeper into the parenting misery pool with fewer tools to get out.
Keep in mind that whatever you threaten to do the first time it comes up, he will test you. In other words, it’s likely that he will not follow through, and you will need to take away that privilege just to teach him that you mean what you say. So make sure it is something you can live with but significant enough for the tween to learn from. Kids learn from the pain of their mistakes, not from your threats, browbeating or nagging. And they may need to learn the same lesson more than once, with even stronger consequences.
When a tween understands that a parent means what he says, life improves, trust grows, and a simple reminder about the “math” incident in the future will be enough to remind him that he is the one responsible to solve the problems his behavior creates.
To make the later teen years better, when emotions can run high, be sure to root out irresponsibility in the tween years. Help your tween realize that choices to be irresponsible have ugly consequences, and good choices bring positive consequences. It is up to him to choose the kind of consequences he would like to face. It’s not up to you to fix the problems he creates for himself, nor to lessen the consequences in any way. The sooner he learns, the fewer times you’ll have to go through the process and the happier everyone will be throughout the teen years and into adulthood.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, where he lives with 50 teenagers. Learn more about Heartlight athttp://www.heartlightministries.org or call 903-668-2173.

MARCH 12 - 16

Emotional Growth and Transition (Tweens 8 – 12 years)

The "Tween Years" are filled with many changes in your child. Knowing what to expect from one moment to the next can be a guessing game! You may notice changes in your child's thinking as well as many physical changes. Children in the "Tween Years" are emotionally transitioning from a time when they are focused on school, athletic activities and peer acceptance. They have received a lot of feedback about their abilities from their peers and teachers. Physically they are moving beyond participating in moderately physical activities that are organized and governed by rules (i.e. little league baseball, midget football, cub scouts).

So what are children at this particular developmental level moving toward? You may notice that your child is now able to think in the abstract. For example, he or she may be able to understand how a model car should be put together without actually having to see the instructions. Your "tween" may also see himself or herself as a social object, which may lead to increased anxiety. He or she may begin to notice and act differently around peers of the opposite gender. With regard to physical development, children at this age are able to manipulate smaller items; however, they may do so in unconventional ways in order to test a variety of ideas.

Keep in mind that the characteristics we have discussed are typical of children in the "Tween Years." They may exhibit behavior that falls above or below the average for their age group and still be perfectly normal.

 Taken from the Boys Town Before and After School Workshop (Pages 4-5 of the participant workbook) Adapted from: Santrock, J.W. (1999). Life Span Development, 7th Edition, The McGraw- Hill Companies, Inc., Boston

http://parenting.org/article/emotional-growth-and-transition

Uncommunicative Teenager (Adolescence/Teens 13-18 years)

Q- Many days I feel like I am talking to a brick wall when communicating with my teen. And those are the good days when I actually get the chance to talk with her.  How do I break down this barrier?

Answer: 

A- When children reach their teen years, they start doing things that they never have done before. They pull away from their parents and get upset when their parents try to talk with them. They are no longer the sweet little children who hung on their parents’ every word. The good news is that this is normal. The only thing you can do is to keep trying. Persistence is key.

Talking with your children is very important. It is important to stay current on what they are doing and with whom they are doing it. You must be creative and find ways to stay involved, even if that means making a required designated family time each day. It can be an evening meal, a Wednesday game night, Sunday brunch or a Thursday movie night. Whatever works for you, make it mandatory for all family members. No excuses.

During these family nights, conversation will flow. Casually ask questions about your children’s day or what is going on in their lives. One child may be quieter than others. If this is the case, one-on-one activities may be necessary to get communication flowing. Make these events enjoyable, not pressured.

If you suspect that your child is hiding something from you, monitor his or her interactions with their peers. As a parent, you have every right to investigate. You are not invading their privacy. You are doing your job, which is to ensure their safety. Monitor texting on cell phones and their Facebook pages. Have access to their passwords. If they refuse, take the privilege away. Cell phones, e-mail and Facebook are not rights. If they don’t have anything to hide, they should not refuse to show you.  

http://parenting.org/article/emotional-growth-and-transition

MARCH 5 - 9

The Wonders of Reality Discipline

This clever discipline method is less exhausting and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging or threatening.

by Shana Schutte

I once read a newspaper headline that made me chuckle: "Red Lipstick Empowers Women." The caption, coupled with a photo of Marilyn Monroe wearing a white flowing dress and painted crimson lips, made me think that perhaps I'd found the answer to the discipline problems with my elementary students.That's been my problem all along — I've been wearing champagne pink!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if changing lipstick was all it took to become more effective and empowered in handling discipline problems with children?

While child psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman is an out-of-the-box parenting problem solver who might buy into the lipstick method if it worked, Dr. Leman instead teaches parents about the effective "Reality Discipline." This clever method of getting little "ankle biters" to obey is less exhausting and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging or threatening.

It's all about responsibility

The first thing to remember about Reality Discipline is that you want your children to learn to think for themselves and learn to become more responsible through guidance and action-oriented techniques. In an article from First Things First, Dr. Leman says, "Action-oriented discipline is based on the reality that there are times when you have to pull the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble. I mean disciplining your children in such a way that he/she accepts responsibility and learns accountability for his actions." Here's an example.

When my brother was in high school, my mother implemented Reality Discipline without realizing it. My little brother, Gannon, could sleep through a tornado (or a hurricane or tsunami) and my mother was tired of waking him up every morning and saying, "You'd better hurry, or you're going to miss the bus." Finally, Mom thought, I'm not waking him up anymore. He can be late. Just as she suspected, Gannon did miss the bus and was forced to walk the mile to school. Much to my mother's delight, he was never late again. She didn't have to beg, plead, give him ultimatums or nag Gannon one more time. Instead, she let reality do the discipline.

A little bit of ice cream can do the trick

One afternoon, I had the privilege of listening to Dr. Leman explain on the radio how reality discipline teaches responsibility. He told an engaging story about a mother whose preschool son was driving her bananas because every day when she stopped to pick him up from preschool, he ran from her on the playground. She felt like a fool for being outrun by a preschooler while teachers and parents looked on. Desperate, she asked Dr. Leman for advice.

Dr. Leman suggested that if her son ran from her next time, she should ask another adult on the playground if they would be kind enough to keep an eye on her son for a few minutes. Then she should drive away, go to the nearest ice cream shop, purchase a cone for herself and drive back to the school to pick up her son. Then, when her little guy got in the car and asked, "Where's my ice cream?" he told the woman she should cheerfully say, "Well you could have had some ice cream, but you ran away; so I had to go get some alone."

One point for mom; zero for Junior. That's Reality Discipline. No ranting. No raving. No warnings. Just cool, collected action with some quick, clever thinking to make your point loud and clear.

Sounds great, right? Here are some basic principles of Reality Discipline to help you get (and keep) the upper hand with your kids.

Don't focus on creating a happy child

In his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman says that the goal of parenting is not to create happy kids; rather, it's to create responsible kids. This means Junior will probably be pretty unhappy that he didn't get an ice cream cone; he may even throw a fit, and rant and rave — but he will become more responsible and respectful. Don't back down, but do stay cool as a cucumber. Remind yourself that it's a battle of the wits and the wills, and you will win.

Understand your child's reality

According to Dr Leman, if you want to use Reality Discipline effectively, you need to know what's important to your child — what really moves him in his reality. Your child may value money, sports, a daily cookie break, staying up late or spending time with friends. Parents who know how to use Reality Discipline make creative connections between bad behavior and discipline through action rather than through warnings, nagging or threats.

For example, suppose you ask your ten-year-old daughter (who loves saving money) to take out the trash. She ignores you, and thirty minutes later the trash is still sitting by the back door. With a little creativity, you decide to implement some Reality Discipline. Instead of reminding your daughter about the trash, you enlist her younger sister to take it out . Then you take some money out of your ten-year-old daughter's allowance and give it to her sister for a job well done. Can you imagine the peace and satisfaction that could come from being such a quick-witted parent?

Note: If you want to use Reality Discipline, you have to listen to your child. Then you'll know what will move him to responsibility. The more you understand what's important to him, the more ammunition you'll have in your arsenal to "train up" your child in the way he should go.

Make sure that Reality Discipline is grounded in love

In Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman writes, "Show me a mean teacher, and I'll show you a good one." If you find that you are a permissive parent who is afraid of "pulling the rug out from under your child" as Dr. Leman suggests, remember that Reality Discipline is not unkind. Instead, when it's motivated by love to help your child mature into a responsible adult, it's a very good gift.

Copyright © 2008 Shana Schutte. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Taken from: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/why_kids_misbehave/the_wonders_of_reality_discipline.aspx